It’s interesting how often times you can read a whole paragraph, or listen to a whole message, and only one word stands out.
In my case, after writing my ‘Misconceptions of a Godly Woman’ post, Rachel and I awoke one morning to find our emails FLOODED with comments! Lots and LOTS of words expressing a wide range of emotions and opinions! And yet, only one word stood out to me…
Judas.
One word flippantly used to compare me, to arguably one of the greatest traitor’s in the Bible. A man who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and turned him over so that He could be beaten beyond recognition, and crucified on a cross for a mere 30 pieces of silver.
I was a Judas? Why, because I cursed a crock pot and admitted my life wasn’t the perfection promised in Disney movies?
The emotions welled up inside of me, that one word etched in my mind for weeks!
There may have been tears, and there certainly were a few prodding questions to God asking, what on Earth He was up to, and whether I could find the courage to be THAT authentic again. But above all else, I momentarily questioned whether God would still want to use me. Especially when it was obvious that I had so MANY shortcomings!
But this wasn’t the first time I had encountered a bout with the feeling of unworthiness… I’ve basked in the grandeur of a towering cathedral before, which is always sure to make me feel small. That, and anything that requires an organ, memorized scripture, or pantyhose! 😉
It’s like the night my husband and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. We tried with all our might to portray poise and sophistication while looking up with interest at pieces like the marble statue of Emperor Caracalla, and the Gilded Bronze Buddha. But in all actuality, we had a much more enjoyable time touching things with clearly placed ‘Do Not Touch’ signs, and whispering inappropriate comments that had us holding back giggles that would have otherwise, echoed to the ceiling.
It was obvious, we were so out of place. So unworthy!
But this last week, while searching my heart, the Lord did something that surprised me…. He didn’t even attempt to downplay or dismiss the insecurities that had been mounting over the last few weeks, He affirmed them!
“You’re right, you are NOT worthy… “ He would say to me.
He spoke those words as I was looking over a portrait and studying each of the disciples that sat beside Jesus the night of The Last Supper; the same 12 who were chosen by Him to carry on His ministry after His death.
I saw Matthew the tax collector, regarded by many as a criminal due to his dishonest past, and who was deeply hated by the Jews.
I saw Peter, who had once miraculously walked on water with Jesus only to be submerged by waves of doubt. A man, who in the end, would deny ever knowing Jesus (even cursing when he did it!)
Then there was Thomas, a man who continually struggled to believe God’s promises. Known especially, for asking to touch Jesus’s wounds because he needed proof that Jesus had risen from the dead.
And then there was Judas, the cold hearted traitor who Jesus knew would go on to betray Him that very night. Who even still, was welcomed to sit at the table.
Some disciples were loyal, devoted and faithful. While others were intense and violent, with explosive tempers and fiery personalities! Some were haunted by a dark past, while others were wary and frightened by the uncertainty of the future.
But one thing was certain, All were NOT worthy, but each were chosen!
Even Judas.
In Matthew 26:27, while Jesus was sitting at the table that night with His – so very ordinary – followers, it says,
Then He (Jesus) took the cup and gave thanks and offered it to them saying, “Drink from it, all of you…”
Too often we focus our attention on everything about ourselves that separate us from Christ – all the reasons why we couldn’t possibly be used by Him! And yet, we fail to see that The Lord is offering Himself to us even still, no matter how great our shortcomings!
I love how Mary Fairchild puts it when she says (speaking of the disciples), “Not one was a scholar or Rabbi. They had no extraordinary skills. Neither religious, nor refined, they were ordinary people just like you and me.”
The truth is, The Lord isn’t even just settling for us! He could have chosen anyone! He could have had the pick of the litter, and chosen religious warriors whose prayers were way more impressive (thanks in part to a handful of well-placed THOU’s and THINE’s), people whose past was a lot less controversial, and whose story was much more “church appropriate” (and at the very least, someone who was grammatically sound…)
But He didn’t.
Our God knows exactly who we are, even down to what we’ve ashamedly done in the past, and everything we will do to let Him down in the future! And yet, He has hand selected our past, our temperament, and our story to be used by Him!
We are unworthy yes, but we are chosen!
Jesus is offering Himself to you…
the only question is, will you receive Him?
Krista Ortiz 
Beautiful post, Krista! We most definitely are not worthy, yet he has chosen us to be a part of his grand plan, anyway.
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Krista,
I have been following you since I saw your post on ‘ misconceptions’ there is no doubt whatsoever that God is using you.
The truth is, Gods presence and approval is all that is needed, and as you so wisely stated how you are chosen, I would say you have it today.
Thank you for being honest, and spreading seeds. Thank you for not giving up! Thank you for your willingness to forge ahead, even when the comments are unkind.
God has crowned you as His daughter, you are the one He loves! So, Chosen daughter of the King, walk on!
Bethany
http://www.saythat–again.com
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I love reading your posts; if it weren’t for the controversy, I may have never heard about you guys! Definitely something to think about 🙂
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you are so right Margaret! 🙂
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me too. so glad i stumbled upon this blog!
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What a great Word, Krista! We’re glad you keep on posting. JUDAS??! really?
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I have to laugh out loud because I’ve been there right along with you. As a music Minister who has been in the ministry for 7 years now and has suffered some terrible abuse at the hands of my former Pastors and congregation, I too have been labeled. I’ve been called a “Jezebell, Judas, backslidder, crazy, unstable, thief” and many others and that was just from my last church. I’ve made many enemies just because I’m a woman in ministry. I love contemporary worship and I don’t bend to singing only hymns because I find that people often “check out” instead of entering the throne room of God. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying hymns are bad but I’ve been villainized because most of the songs I feel led to sing are contemporary. I don’t fit into most people’s boxes. I too, know that I’m unworthy. I don’t have degree in music. I’m God taught when it comes to playing the piano. There are many styles of songs that are just beyond my skill level. I’m not what most larger churches would hire because I do not have the education to back what I do. But God chose me! God qualified me and with God’s help I’m good at what I do. So I try not to think about those who have labeled me in the past because their wisdom is so infinitely small in comparison to our Heavenly Father. If He saw something of worth of me, who am I to say otherwise.
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Amen!!
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I had to share Malinda’s response with my husband. He is a 59 year old contemporary songwriter and a worship leader waiting on his next church. He too is God taught and God led and he’s faced some harshness because of what he chooses as music and his age and his lack of musical education, and because he ‘rocks’ when he’s worshiping, etc etc. Thank you for sharing your struggle based on Krista’s post.
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AMEN!
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Beautiful post!
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Such true words today and heavenly music to my unworthy ears. Bless you, friend. Keep digging deep.
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Krista! I, like many, started reading your blog because of the now infamous post. Because it was a breath of fresh air- breaking away from a stiff mold. I have been so refreshed and encouraged by your authenticity. We can’t advance the Kingdom of God by wearing a cloak of perceived righteousness- we must allow our selfishness to be curicified with Him so He alone can be glorified. “He doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called” (anonymous)
I pray you are blessed in your authenticity! We need to see Jesus!
~ Brandi
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Krista, I truly enjoy your blog and read every post. I started followign you because of the exact post you were critisized for. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing what God lays on your heart. You truly are a blessing.
~Stephenie
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also forgive my spelling errors! 🙂
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I too found your blog because of the misconceptions post. I’ve never followed a blog before other than a good friend of mine and I love reading yours. You ladies are very encouraging and I look forward to your posts. Jesus was crucified for the truth and he told his disciples in Matthew they will be sheep among wolves. I know it’s difficult, but know how beautifully and wonderfully made you are following Jesus the way you do. Even though the truth might offend some, it doesn’t make it any less true. And offended people may very well be convicted people. Keep using the gift God has blessed you with.
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I found your blog because of the “misconceptions” post, and when I read that post I thought “FINALLY — someone has finally said what we are all thinking” — and our inner struggle can breath a little sigh of relief as we realize that other women of God share similar feelings. I follow your blog now because of the “misconceptions” post and I pray God will continue to give you the brave spirit to be forthright in future posts in order to minister to and inspire us all with what is “REALLY” important.
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Even bad publicity is good publicity. I found out about you because of the controversy. All hail the crockpot! I wasn’t born and raised in the church so my version of Christianity often does not connect with reality. GASP! This just in…I have a past…and fiercely love Jesus.
The Lord gave you a job, and your obedience is beautiful success. Keep writing! Glad to call you my sister.
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I agree, Tammy! I have a past as well (come to think of it, every Christian has a past) and have been redeemed out of it by Jesus!
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“Jesus is offering Himself to you…
the only question is, will you receive Him?”
Hahaha, uh no. I definitely won’t be doing that.
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I think your writing is amazing, and as a young mother and wife, I find it refreshing. Please continue to find the courage to be authentic in your posts. It means so much to woman like myself, and the many friends I have shared it with.
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I am awed by the knowledge of my holy, great Father choosing to make me worthy through the shed blood of His perfect Son! WOW! I appreciate your authenticity and willingness to “say like it is in your life”! Please don’t stop communicating that way! God is using your writing to minister to my spirit and I greatly appreciate your willingness to be used by Him in my life! Thank you, Krista!
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I just want to hug you! Beautiful, well-timed post. God is so good.
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Hi Krista,
Like some of the previous comments I also started following your blog because of “misconceptions”. I am not really a blog follower either, even the word blog makes me laugh. “The revenge of the BLOG!” Sounds like an old black and white movie… I had thought of writting to you when I first read the article, but as per life got busy, laid down and the feeling went away, so to speak! After reading this latest installation today, I knew I had to contact you. First of all, I am sorry that you came under such attack, that sucks! Perhaps look at it this way, Hebrews 12, talks about keeping our eyes on Jesus, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. So that you, Krista, (and everyone else!) will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 5 goes on to call us his kids! “And have you forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because The Lord disciplines those he LOVES…” Wow! One of those incredibly bitter-sweet scriptures, don’t ya think?!? I hope this encourages you as much as it did me. Now second of all ( tis is a much longer response then I intended, oh well). Must say I have not really thought on Proverbs 31 too much, mainly because I have never really understood it until now. “She has NO FEAR of winter… She is clothed with STRENGTH …” The difficult times to come, and they do come without a doubt! Just want to give you a brief sanapsis (sp?) of the “winter” I have been facing for the past year. Forgive me I am not very good at brief… My darling husband has been fighting bone cancer. One of my very best friends, my Mum, went home to be with Jesus in July. Cancer is not cheep, and we where both out of work for the past year, funds have depleted quickly. Ok, not to go on too much… I have never considered myself a strong women, more like jello without a bowl! But God, (I love that statement!) and his immeasurable strength available to us. “By CHOOSING to find our strength in Christ, there is NOTHING God can’t grant us, and NOTHING He can not restore!!!” I am still tearing up even as I write this. You have no idea how much this encouraged me and how impeccable the time was! So ALL that said to say a big huge thank you. To hopefully encourage you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith!
Sent with love and humility. In His grip!
Mary
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Mary I’m not Krista, but I was crying and still am as I am writing this. God works miracles. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, I can empathize completely. As for your husband, he must be and you must be completely emotionally, physically and mentally worn out. I am sure the strength you are summoning up comes from our Holy Father. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family will be in my prayers. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can enjoy the holidays. Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from my family to yours. Amanda
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Krista,
Boy, have I been there, done that! I pour my heart out in my writing, only to be told how unworthy I am, as if I don’t already know that!
I come here and it’s like seeing into your heart and it’s so refreshing.
Thank you for being real, because being perfect and fake is so repulsive.
(and P.S. – that’s exactly how my husband and I behave in serious, socially snobby places)
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Perhaps not worthy, but we are all ENOUGH. Because he made us. Keep on writing!
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God bless you in your ministry. God is using you. People want to hear from a real person…struggling, with weaknesses……that’s the only way that we can be approachable as Christians. You are an excellent example of humbleness, being willing to let others see through the outer layer, into the heart. Keep on doing what you’re doing, it’s awesome!
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I just love you Krista. So thankful for you fearlessly telling the truth. The truth makes some people uncomfortable, that’s all. Don’t let that discouragement, or just plain jerks, stop you from sharing what the Lord places on your heart. Praying for your precious family and miss you all! ❤
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Never ever give up! Your writing is honest and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that. God has blessed you with a gift for words… don’t hide that gift. You are such an encouragement to me as a newlywed and also as a woman! Its always nice to know that I’m not the only person who struggles. And I have never used a crockpot!
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This post is beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
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Krista, once again you have very directly, hit the nail on the head. Your post is insightful and thought provoking. You could have really socked it to the haters of the Misconceptions posting and been totally justified,wsq but you chose to use the attacks as a stepping-stone to a higher truth. Thank you for reminding us ALL that you can never be worthy but you can be used. What a wonderful thought that I am chosen. It brought a smile to my face that remains still. Thank you for staying where He has put you, even when the crockpot gets a bit toasty 🙂
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I’m so thankful for your blog….leaders of my church actually encouraged me to read your blog because you are spot on! Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
Keep on!
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Beautiful, I’ll be linking to my site. None are worthy except through Jesus. Jesus makes us worthy. On our own…nothing. I am so grateful to Him. And grateful to you, for your honesty and compassion. Keep sharing your heart!
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If we were all completely honest, we would admit to cursing a crock pot or two in our daily frustrations! Don’t get me wrong; I love my crock pot, but some nights in a pinch, its take out for this “Proverbs 31” woman and her family!
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That is funny because its from that “controversial” quote that i started follownibg you as well. And if anything it lifted a load off my shoulders. A reminder that we are really not perfect. And yet God truely has called us. What qualifies us is Christ and that is enough.
Im encouraged.
In that regard God is using you 🙂
Thami
Soutg Africa
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Damn it, Ms. Krista, now I like you even more! (Gasp!) You gotta live authentic and be real. Sooo glad you’re pushing forward. Keep it up! Because of your real… I’m going to keep following this blog. So please stay the course!
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I started following this blog with the “cursed crockpot” as well and I have enjoyed every word since. You’re honesty, rawness and vulnerability is a breath of fresh air. Don’t ever stop!! None of us will ever be worthy, and oh how great it feels to know that God does not condemn us but saves our unworthy behinds.
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I think our “unworthiness” makes us that more compassionate, understanding and a better listener. I know because of my failures I am able to say to another mom, wife, friend “YES, I understand what you are going through! YES, I get that! Yes, you are NOT alone!” So many times we as Christians like to put up our “perfect” faces and it is such a turn off to other non-Christians and also Christians. It puts a wall up between us and the outside world. I struggle, I fail, I can barely get out of bed and get through the day…. and guess what? So do all of us!
Praise God from who all blessings flow!
❤
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I just wanted to let you know I find your posts refreshing. I love how transparent you are. For so many years I felt that my shortcomings were reasons my life was not where I thought it should be. I know now that there was a deep healing needed before I could achieve the dreams I had and still have. Your blogs remind me that I am not alone and we all have shortcomings. It’s how we depend on Christ and His love to make up those shortcomings. I thank you for sharing yourself with us. My prayers are that you never lose this side of you. It is a wonderful ministry God s leading you into whether you realize it or not. Much love and many Blessings, Faith
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Faith how beautifully expressed and courageous. Your testimony touched my heart. It took me many years, but my dearly recently departed Granny use to say, “Give it to God” when she didn’t have any other answer. My Granny was always right, because God is never wrong.
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“Unworthy…but chosen” – love that! God didn’t just call for us, he doesn’t just want us to be with him, He came down and got us. God incarnate – infused earth with His presence, became one of us, so we can be with Him. Hallelujah ! Unworthy but chosen hallelujah indeed!
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Well said Debra!
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Krista what a beautiful message that I so very much needed this morning. If you could look at me, I look like a delinquent with my tattoos, wildly colored hair, and my finally my piercings, but God keeps nagging me. Get back to church. I have found a church; I have just been to ill to go and the medications they have me on keep me so sleepy I am scared I will fall asleep I will offend the preacher and others around me. But God keeps nagging.
I am far from perfect. In fact, we all are. The person that called you Judas, what gave them the right to call you Judas? Did God say call Krista Judas? No He did not. For He is our father and He does not speak to His children that way. He did not sacrifice His son so that His children could call each other names or even fight in his name no matter what religion you choose to call him by. He sacrificed Jesus to have peace on Earth to allow us to live in peace. There are always going to be those people that feel they have all the answers and that God gave them the power of judgment. This, as we all know to well, is not the case, judgment is passed down by God and God only. WE ARE NOT WORTHY, BUT WE ARE CHOSEN. So simple yet it rings so true.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’s from my family to yours.
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