I was shaken abruptly from my slumber. Just as quickly, the ‘seatbelt sign’ dinged on and the stewardess postponed drink orders while the pilot made apologies in advanced for the bumps that lay ahead.
The woman next to me took a deep breath and tightly grasped the arm rest, I could almost hear her thoughts…
… Please Lord, I want to get married! …don’t take me now God! I want to have children!…
I smiled to myself, closed my eyes, and eased into the comfort of my seat. Not because I hadn’t felt the same way before, but because oh, how effective a little turbulence is at weighing the status of our lives.
And while my flight was nearly being jostled into oblivion, I realized…
I just don’t give a damn.
Take me now Lord Jesus!
You see, for the last two weeks that I have been MIA since writing ‘This Weary Heart of Mine,” I have started (and given up on) over 6 self-help books. I have also avoided exactly 11 phone calls, and avoided nearly the equivalent in panic attacks.
I have cried myself to sleep, raised my voice in a restaurant (Once again!) and have used my ‘labor breathing techniques’ to physically resist the urge to punch someone in the face.
I am numb, I am heartbroken, and I deeply regret the two strong margaritas that unfortunately did little more than give me a headache and give my husband a piece of my mind (further explaining the said “raised voice in a restaurant”)
And the truth is, I am in a dark place.
So dark even, that in my insecurity I have wondered if I am too far out of God’s reach. If it’s even humanly possible to be as small as I feel, and if because of it, the Lord is unable to see me in my desperation. If this pain, caused by the hands of another, is the final blow that will have me ushered out of the ring never to return the same again…
But then I remember you, our beloved readers. Those of you all over the world, that have shared with us your stories, your heartbreak, and expressed your deepest yearning for miraculous healing over your most secret struggles.
I know if there was a base you could run to where you would finally be “safe,” that though you are terribly exhausted and out of breath, you would get there as fast as you possibly could!
If there was a debt you could pay to make it all disappear, I know you would pay it no matter the cost!
Even if it meant you’d be given only the smallest of guarantees, I know it would be enough for you to hang in there just a little longer…
But alas! It is out of your hands, and out of your control. You are up against a wall, in over you head, and with such dire circumstances looming that you aren’t sure how – or if – you will ever make it through.
I am with you…
and mad as hell!
… And I need Jesus more than ever.
And after two long weeks I am ready to put down the ‘Ben and Jerry’s’… and write. What exactly? I am not sure.
But with vulnerability as my voice, and God as my strength I will see this storm through.
I will fight to remind myself that even when I feel so far from God, that He is NEAR to my broken heart. (Psalm 34:18)
That when it seems my greatest plans have derailed and cliff dived into a horrific nightmare, that His – even greater plans for me – are PERFECT (Psalm 18:30)
That when my troubles are mounting, my life is crumbling, and there seems to be no hope in sight, that My God will not only meet me there in the shambles, but will OVERCOME the impossible! (John 16:33)
Dear weary readers,
There is no denying the very real war that is being waged over our souls! And yet, there also is no denying the strength of the God we serve!
I love how Perry Noble puts it when he says, “…He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God, so NEVER give up! He’s about to blow your flippin’ mind!”
All that to say, may the Lord “Blow our flipping’ minds!” … ideally, before we lose them! 🙂
***And in the case that you can’t get past the fact that I cursed…
Feel free to check back here the moment the turbulence doesn’t faze you…
We will get along much better then! 😉