If I could write you a letter,
I’d start by acknowledging the bitter cold truth that no matter the strength of the relationship built, the good intentions expressed or the pinky-promises exchanged, everyone has the capacity to let you down. Everyone! You can either be anchored in that reality or crippled by it.
May you choose to love fearlessly anyway.
I’d tell you that while you’ll spend the first third of your life searching tirelessly for the person you’re going to marry, you will likely spend the rest of it working TWICE as hard to stay married. Upon realizing this, you will likely want to right hook Cinderella to the throat for not telling you such a thing! And believe me, you wouldn’t be the first one…
I’d tell you no amount of makeup, self-tanner, or fake eyelashes can make you feel worthy enough after a broken heart. At best, they will only serve to make a greater mess once the tears flow. (Mark my words: they will FLOW!)
But when they do, remember even the strong break – but the STRONGER aren’t afraid to admit it. Choosing to be vulnerable in the midst of your brokenness always feels like weakness but it looks like strength; sword-wielding, courage-blazing, dragon-slaying STRENGTH!
So never apologize for the state of your heart.
In the event that one day happiness feels so far from you, when you truly forget what it once felt like to savor the warmth of the sun on your skin, converse effortlessly, belly laugh to the point of keeling over or wake up with anticipation; just know there will be people predestined to remind you happiness is awaiting you in the future, so long as you “just hang on a little longer…”
Which you will do rather reluctantly.
But someday you will be glad you listened.
Someday… But for now, you will sob so hard you’ll fear your heart might give out. But it won’t. And that will always surprise you – and on an especially dark day will even piss you off!
Again those said individuals will remind you, “God will never leave or forsake you” and again you will struggle to believe them. Because while you cry to the point of hyperventilation into the palms of your hands – tears streaming down your face – you will also believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down on you…and doesn’t care!
But one day you will come to know God does care …only to forget it once again…
Lather, rinse, repeat.
In those moments where God seems like “the Big-Bad-Bully” on the playground who deviously ties the already-untied-shoelaces-of-your-life together so He can laugh sinisterly as you fall to your face. When you feel beat up, worn down, and rage wells inside you – tell Him!
God can handle it. ALL of it!
He can handle the “…HOW DARE YOU’s???” and the “…WHERE ARE YOU’s???” The threats you make and the fists you shake! He hears your most private pleas for the pain to be taken, for the strength needed to endure even just one… more… day and all those nights you are faced with the (often insurmountable) task of simply falling asleep.
So pray honestly. Always!
One day we will all find ourselves at the same place in life; whilst while we are so genuinely happy for others, we are also so so SO debilitatingly sad for ourselves.
When that day comes, just remember your closet is your best friend; it’s always there and will never tell of the countless times it finds you crying in a heap amidst the darkness and the denim in the name of broken dreams and hopeless nights (…It also won’t divulge you secretly aren’t THAAAT happy for others!)
You see, if I could write you a letter for the moment you find yourself slipping farther and farther away, for the moment you look in the mirror and worry the person looking back at you is becoming less recognizable to the person you once were:
I’d tell you in time you WILL get through this. That although you may not feel like it, you WILL stand triumphant over your darkest days.
Because My Love, you are so much stronger than you know.
*** A letter of hope and understanding for the day my daughter goes through the kind of heartache I am faced with today. May the Lord comfort her – and all of you – every step of the way, in much of the same way He has always comforted me ***
Krista Ortiz 
Oh goodness, Krista. You make me just want to hug you. Not in a pity way, in a “thank God for people who see truth and find him in broken moments and who don’t give up even when they have every right to” kind of way. I could never claim to know the depth of what you’re going through as an unmarried woman, but I definitely am in a “why’s it gotta be like this??” valley with The Lord right now myself and sometimes I would just rather love to hop off this merry-go-round!
Praying for you my sweet blogger friend!
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Aw, praying for you also Michelle! Life is so so SO hard sometimes and believe me girlfriend, in NO way do you have to be married to know that! I hope that God will reveal to both of us soon why the merry-go-round keeps going round… and round… AND ROUND! I know it will be worth it in the end, it always is. But until then, it’s nice to know we all have each other to lean on! 🙂
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Oh Krista. I needed to read this today more than you will ever know. Though our heartaches are differnt, I have questioned God in the same way that you have. And it’s nice to be reminded that He hears our cries. And that He truly does have a plan for our lives. Pain and all.
Thank you again for sharing your heart.
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Shelly, I am sorry your heartaches. Lifting you and your deep hurts up in prayer right now! Thanks for sharing your heart with me also, it means so much to me!
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Oh, Krista. You definitely have a gift for hitting the nail on the head. I am so thankful that little girls (and us big girls!) have you and Rachel to inspire us along our journeys. The Lord uses you both in such wonderful ways and I am thankful that I found this blog. It will get better, the Lord will make us stronger. I’ll say a prayer for whatever it is you are going through and I know that the Lord is with you always.
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I think its safe to say both Rachel and I would never think of ourselves as the ‘inspiring type’ (lol) but that just goes to show what God can do with a little vulnerability and too much free time on your hands! 🙂 Your prayers mean the WORLD to me Catey, so thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Reblogged this on Tam Bam is. and commented:
Because darkness doesn’t discriminate.
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You have touched my heart on more than one occasion, and today I pray especially for yours. *hugs*
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❤
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Thank you. Sending you hugs right back.
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Hi Krista, have been following your blog for the last 18 months ish……and for me they have been the darkest 18 months, for what seems to be the same reason as you. Thank you for your honesty and for being so real…your blog always gives me enough encouragement at just the right time. Like u I am a mummy (3 boys) and the responsibility of handling my own emotions as well as theirs is sometimes to great. But I keep believing God is still there…in the pain and heart break and deep disappointment and sadness…and loss…he is still there..
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Thank you Leah for reaching out and sharing your story! There is SO much strength knowing that we are not alone in our pain, isn’t there? That not everyone out there is living perfect Facebook-fairytale lives! 🙂 Your words resonate with me because sometimes the responsibility to be a mom – or to even get out of bed – feels like far too much. But we are still here aren’t we? Thats gotta count for something! 🙂 I am thankful God has allowed our paths to cross! You will be in my prayers!
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Where was this post when I hid away from my daughter, as a sobbing mess collapsed on the floor of MY closet?! That little Camas closet holds my deepest, darkest moments. Happy to say that it has gotten better even though it will never go away. Hoping it will continue to fade though every year around the same time, it always haunts me again. I decided just a couple weeks ago that I now deserve an annual mommy-time trip where I can escape, regroup, and continue to heal from the pain. Not sure if that’s almost memorializing the time when I was most let down or whether it’s taking back the date and making it mine?! Maybe I’ll find out during my next trip next year! Ha
Thank you for your blog! Love following it! Xoxo
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Girl!!!! That is a FABULOUS idea!!!!!!!! Can I come? Lol! We could always cry in the closet together if it comes to that! 🙂
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The verse that saved me and is now permanently tattooed (my one and only) on my hip…… 1 Peter 4:8
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Beautiful… Thanks for sharing Shannon!
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God bless you Krista! Praying for you and all of us that need God every second 🙂 !!
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“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” Ps. 34:18 Lord, I pray that Krista would have the full truth and understanding of these words. I pray that she would experience Your closeness in full measure. Allow her to know you more fully and deeply. Redeem the broken pieces and create a new work beyond anything she can even contain. I ask You for more than she is able to imagine. In Jesus’ Name.
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just saw this ❤ thank you mary! A beautiful prayer indeed! Thank you! 🙂
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Grace is what gets us all through our darkest days. Grace that God is there, God restores, God cares, God will never let us down. Reminding ourselves of that everyday, is essential to getting through the day.
❤ and hugs!
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I’ve been a little absent from the blog world lately but I’ve been thinking about you…wondering how you were doing and praying that you would find rest in Him. ❤
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thank you Kelsey, God is continuing to reveal himself, And I couldn’t ask for more! God is so very very good even when life is at its worst! so thankful for that! 🙂
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Well, that was just what I needed. After a loss of words with what to say to my daughter last night while tears ran down her face with unanswered questions, you have given them to me. You make me cry with your ability to be open, raw, and genuine with your journey. I admire that in you and look forward to the encouragement you subconsciously give me. You always seem to write from a place a couple steps ahead of where I am and give me comfort knowing it will get better and I can get through this.
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