I attempted to stand to my feet but fell to the floor as my knees buckled under the pressure. I grabbed frantically at anything in an attempt to steady myself, until everything suddenly came still.
I surrendered. Placing my head to the floor and holding my knees tight to my chest, I was convinced this was going to kill me…
Hands clasped and gripping my heart, I sobbed knowing what no one else knew:
I had asked for this!
Weeks before my heart broke – before my marriage and sanity buckled under the pressure like that of my knees – my husband and I were asked to share our story, to divulge our most private heartache with hundreds and hundreds of complete strangers.
Though I cringed at the thought of how my voice quivers when I’m nervous, my husband knew I’d do it. No questions asked. Sharing our hurts and mistakes were always worth it to us if it meant others could avoid what we had endured early on in our marriage.
But almost as soon as we had raised a hand to volunteer and share with the “class,” the nightmares began.
Each night, I found myself tormented by the same horror…
The outline of my figure, standing high atop a hill, smiling uncomfortably and holding in my hands what I prepared to share on behalf of broken marriages, men chained to secret addictions and the women who stood tirelessly beside them.
Yet as I began to speak, I strained to make out the faces of the people I was speaking to. I searched the crowd for eyes to connect to, but there were none. Only countless faces marred beyond recognition with dirt and blood. I watched in terror as they inched their way along a vast field laden with barbed-wire, I watched as the daggers tore into their flesh, causing them to writhe and scream out in desperation.
I looked on as my most heartfelt words of encouragement echoed to the heavens… unheard by those struggling… seemingly unfit for their agony….
Startled, I would awaken to the most cold-hearted truth: I had forgotten.
Though I bear my own scars from my time in the trenches, I had forgotten the misery and desperation that had engraved them into my existence. I had forgotten how it felt to be surrounded by darkness and affliction – and even more, how God had rescued me from it!
So I prayed a prayer I will NEVER pray again,
Remind me.
….and God would, in what seemed to be the cruelest of ways…
By forcing me to hunker down in the trenches. All. Over. Again. – thanks to heartbreaking confessions made on one bitterly cold night, admissions that callously ripped open the wounds of the past, leaving what was left of my heart mangled and gaping… and to my demise, I had asked for it!
Just hours before I had struggled to find words on behalf of brokenhearted women and shattered marriages, and now I was one… When I begged God to remind me, I could have never imagined He would reply by placing me front-and-center to my own hopelessness set in barbed wire and complete desperation, all while equipping me to find words for those hurting if I so chose to write through the mess.
You see, this hopelessness I have found myself in, is quite literally an answer to prayer – and because it has cost me EVERYTHING – I will do whatever it takes to make sure I NEVER forget again!
If it means I have to publicly scream, question, and beg the Lord to deliver me with every last ounce of fight I have left, I can assure you I will never hesitate to make a scene….
If it means airing my heartache, my faithlessness, and my darkest nights, so that you can see the same loving and all-powerful God is available to you in your’s, than I welcome your curiosity, and even your judgement –
Because I made God a promise to write through the mess,
…and I will be damned if I forget!
* Follow my ‘Journey Through The Barbed Wire’
Krista Ortiz 
I hope that through this you can hold on to the hope, help and healing you are bringing to others. I pray for you often that your family will also receive this hope, help and healing. You are inspiring and a beautiful testimony to all of us who read you. You are so VERY VERY loved by your Christian sisters and Jesus. When a door closes God will open an even better window but it is hell in the hallway. As my son says (from the finding nemo) just keep swimming just keep swimming.
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Aw thank you Mia! Your message made me smile. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me, it means so much to me! God’s not done and He is more than able to put these broken pieces back together – that I know FOR SURE! Thanks again for reaching out with your sweet words! 🙂
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Many prayers for you & your family. I don’t know what you and your husband are struggling with, but I pray that God will give you the strength and the peace that only He can give. Addictions are terrible, and I pray that God will guide your husband and help him break free.
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Thank you so much Steph! We are right where we need to be to break free- broken at the feet of the One who is far more skilled in healing than either of us! 😉 I know He will meet us there! Thanks again for reaching out!
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Krista, please know I am praying for you and your family for the next month. I felt a call to pray hard for families in turmoil for such reasons as yours last week and even wrote about it on my blog. Dear one, please know that I have been in your shoes and have come through to the other side, at least for now, by God’s grace and the loving help of some wonderful women that helped me to walk this path back to peace, including a sponsor / mentor who is now gone from this earth and I still miss even today. I know about all kinds of addictions through my relative, not just substances. I try to help others as God permits me the honor to do so even today. My mentor was the one who encouraged me to start journaling back in 2001, and it has been an exercise that has truly helped me over the past 13 years, both public and private journaling. So, I’m glad that you are writing and encourage you to continue, even if you choose to journal in private at times. God used both as healing for me. But most of all, seek help for you right now above all else, even if you need to put some other things aside. There are some great groups of supportive people and sponsors that stand ready to help, both in person and online. I know because I have spent time in these groups over the years. If you try a group and feel it is not right for you, continue to look for another one. This was a big part of my “active waiting” in the early years of my own turmoil… seeking help for myself. Right now, I also encourage you to read “Codependent No More” and “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. There are other great books, including pretty much everything in the Al-Anon program, but these two have been my “go to” books more often than most of the others. I give copies of each one to ladies that I work with. Please know that you are *not* alone. There are more of us out there than you can likely begin to know right now, many still living in the shadow of darkness that keeps them silent. Krista, I get what you are going through right now. I did it three times. And yes, the last time made a believe out of me. Much love to you today. Sending you a cyber hug through this keyboard!
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thank you SO much for your words of encouragement (and for the cyber hug!) God is good and He is working!!!!! Nothing is too hopeless for Him! Thanks again!
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Krista,
I stumbled across UH about 6 months ago and have been reading ever since. Praise The Lord He showed me your posts. You guys GET IT. Krista, You are BOLD, SO BRAVE, & BEAUTIFUL! I see your light, I see THE LORD in you and how He is weaving an incredible story. So often, I am brought to tears reading your posts because I they speak to my heart and God uses you to get my attention. Its just nice to know someone else I applaud you for being so open and raw on this blog. Thank you, thank you for being outspoken and sharing where you’ve been, where you are, and what the LORD is doing. People need to see this. They need to hear this and they need to know The Lord is working. ALWAYS.
Sincerely,
Tiffany
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Thank you Tiffany for your encouraging words! I couldn’t agree more – people NEED to know that the Lord is ALWAYS working no matter what they are up against, or how bleak their future looks ❤
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