Proclaiming God’s promises, anyway.

When I found out I was pregnant, they were sure I was having a miscarriage.

But we prayed. We desperately begged the Lord for a miracle and clung to His promises believing, that God’s way is perfect, and we can trust everything He does. (Psalm 18:30, Psalm 33:4)

I had written those two verses in the palm of my hand the day I went in for my ultrasound. I must have been repeating them so loudly in my head because the Ultrasound Technician nearly jolted me off the table when she took hold of my arm to point out the tiny little heartbeat, flickering away on the screen.

There was my baby, healthy as can be. (And that flickering heartbeat, is now my 5-year-old self-professed superhero whirling around me as I type.)

It was a miracle.

But this time though… this time, was different.

“Krista,” the nurse on the other line said pointedly upon me answering the phone, “You are pregnant.”

I stayed silent on the other end of the line thoughts racing through my head. Not because we weren’t trying to get pregnant (we had wanted another baby for four years) But because I knew what she didn’t know: I had been bleeding for weeks. Fear, like a rushing wave, swept over me.

In the weeks to follow, there would be ultrasounds, biopsies, and blood work.

MORE ultrasounds. MORE biopsies. So. Much. More. blood work. Rinse and repeat.

Again, we prayed. We begged the Lord for a miracle, believing He could do it again if He wanted.

…but sadly, this time, there would be no miracle.

Instead, three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a (very dangerous) Ectopic Pregnancy in which losing the baby was unavoidable, and protecting my own life was now at the forefront.

It was then, that I began to think: Is God’s plan still perfect? Can I really trust everything He is doing —even when I’m going through something like this?

As I sat in a dark room staring at my reflection in the window, I watched as nurses and doctors rushed in around me. I watched as they robed themselves with shields and gloves to protect themselves from the chemo —the poison they would inject into my body, that would ultimately kill my baby and save me.

It was this or surgery to remove the baby (and with it my fallopian tube.) “There were no other options, and absolutely no time to waste,” the doctor had explained.

And I couldn’t help but think to myself, …This is not the way it was supposed to be, as they began administering the chemo, my hands balled up in a fist by my side, tears streaming down my face.

Moments later, I loosened my grip to find eleven words staring straight up at me. I had penned them on the palm of my hand earlier that morning, just like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter. Barely legible (and in this dark moment, barely believable) they read: God’s way is perfect, and we can trust everything He does.

“Do you trust what I am doing in your life—even now?” I could feel God asking, as the poison ran hot through my veins, “Do you believe My plan for your life is indisputably perfect, no matter how painful it is right now?”

And the truth is, I didn’t know.

But it was at that moment that I made a pivotal decision: To proclaim God’s promises, anyway.

Two of the most indisputable words in the English language are ‘Perfect’ and ‘Everything.’ So when God says, ‘His way is perfect’ He is quite literally saying that His plan for our life –no matter how painful–is without a single flaw.

Not only that but when God declares that we can trust everything He does, He is saying we can trust every single thing He is doing in our lives, no matter how dysfunctional or disastrous it may feel in the moment.

It’s a ballsy thing for God to promise, but let me tell you, it’s an even harder thing to believe.

A hard thing to believe when ultrasounds aren’t met with the hope and heartbeats we prayed for. When biopsies uncover scary test results, and you are pricked and prodded and feel like God has a personal vendetta against your womb (when for so many others having a baby is as simple as picking a paint color.)

When God is (frustratingly) quiet and a very real part of us worries if He can really be trusted will we choose to proclaim God’s promises, anyway?

Will we squeeze our eyes shut and repeat His promises over and over in our head and heart, when we secretly lack the faith to believe they could ever be true.

When we don’t understand—WHAT THE F—God is doing and why it all has to hurt so bad, will we pen God’s promises in the palm of our hand even if we can barely utter the words through our tears?

I don’t know what has ravaged your heart and left you reeling. It could be minuscule compared to what I have been through this last month or it could very well put my heartache to shame. What I do know is this, whether today’s uncertainty is met with the miracle we have been begging for or the outcome we most dread, God promises we can trust everything He is doing in our lives. (Even when what He is doing is heartbreaking and confusing.)

Even when we would rather be anywhere other than in the mess we are in today, God promises, in His perfect plan, that we are exactly where He always knew we would be.

No matter how chaotic, no matter how (seemingly) hopeless, our world is held by a God who knows what He is doing.

It’s barely comprehendible sometimes, I know.

but I want Him to find me proclaiming those promises, anyway.

God’s way is perfect. (Psalm 18:30)

We can trust everything He does. (Psalm 33:4)