I’m Back.

It’s been exactly 16 months since I have written on this blog. An eternity really, when for so many years and through so many circumstances, this was the place I retreated to. My little corner of the world where I could cry and vent, document my life, and occasionally, have it out with God.

I don’t miss writing if I’m honest. I don’t miss straining over words or the placement of commas, nor do I have time for it these days. I don’t miss masses of people correcting my grammar, or the uproar that ensues every time a friend or family member’s ego takes a hit because of something I wrote. Not to mention, I’m uninterested in building a platform for myself or in joining the likes of those dishing out tweetable wisdom to the watching world. The older I get the less value I see in any wisdom I could offer, especially if it’s tweetable, and the more value I see in things like a solid under eye concealer.

But the reason I’ve chosen to pick back up writing on this blog is this (and only this): when I write I feel near to God.

And if I’m honest, I need Him now, just as much as ever.

 

Writing has always been where I go when there is nowhere else to turn.

I remember the first time my perfect little life was jolted upside down. (Not to be confused with the third time…the hundredth time…or the quadruple millionth time.) It was a month before my 12th birthday, and it had just come out that my father had been having an affair — an affair with not just anyone, but a woman my twelve-year-old self truly loved and admired. A woman I would’ve no doubt turned to had she not been an active participant in my heartache.

Making matters even more confusing, and because my father was a pastor at the time, my family and I literally and physically could no longer go to our church anymore. Amid such a hopeless time for my family, there was no place to retreat to, no community to link arms with, no pew to sit in Sunday morning to hear things like God is still God and God is still good. 

It begged the question: where was a preteen girl to go amid the chaos and heartache?  Where should she turn when her father, her tribe, and even her church, are no longer a safe place? I retreated to the only place left to go to — a blank sheet of paper.

I retreated to the only place left to go to — a blank sheet of paper.

Dear God… I wrote for the first time on December 11, 1998, in a flower-laden journal.

Dear God… I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. (For years I wrote.)

The truth is, I never stopped.

Whether clicking away from behind my laptop; publicly wrestling with my rawest feelings on this blog, or writing alone in the stillness of my apartment crying over what looks like scribbles in a college-ruled notebook, I realize I’m still the same preteen girl looking for a place to escape the chaos and heartache. It’s who I’ve always been and what I’ve always done.

In the past, on this blog, I have written through the cross-country moves & the miscarriage that changed me. The betrayals I never thought I’d bounce back from & the vows I was certain were broken beyond repair. I wrote through unanswered prayers and things that didn’t go as planned, times where I was terrifying close to letting go of it all, and the year I was bordering on coming unhinged. — And through it all, God has never failed me. Not once. Not even close. And He’s not about to start now!

Through it all, God has never failed me. Not once. Not even close. And He’s not about to start now!

That’s a welcomed reminder for me today because while my life has never felt more meaningful, it’s also never felt more uncertain. (I’ve often described this season of my life as ‘walking on a field of land mines with Jesus’ — a more twisted & sinister version of the sweet ‘walking in the sand’ poem every Baptist grandmother knows and loves and has hung on her bathroom wall.)

In my life today – and as I seek to do everything God is asking me to do – the stakes are high. Impossibly high. And the truth is, because of it, I could lose everything (yet again.) The magnitude of that reality often sweeps over me, leaving me rattled for days, even, weeks on end.

As for who I am today and how I’ve changed since I last wrote nearly a year and a half ago? Well …I curse and cry more than I used to, and am bolder and more firey than I was taught is ever acceptable. (Especially, for a woman. A woman in ministry, nonetheless.) And yet, I’ve never felt God more proud of who I’m becoming.

Oh, and I’m still not pregnant…  still… exactly 7 years after we first began this journey to have our second child. Only further proving said: uncertainty, and that you can be closer to God than they’ve ever been in your life, more in-tuned with His heart and His voice and just how deeply He loves you, all while being downright DUMBFOUNDED when it comes to what God is doing in your life (or what He’s NOT doing for that matter.)

Yet, if writing is how I’ve always found Him in the past, then it’s through writing that I’m determined to find Him again. (And He’s promising I will.)

“Write yourself out of this season…” I can feel God inviting, “Kick and scream your way through the uncertainty and cling tightly to Me as you have done before until you come face-to-face with My goodness once again.”

He then comes in a little closer, speaking more tenderly this time as if to reassure me, “…You will see My goodness again, I promise.”

So that’s what I’m going to do. With everything in me I’m going to seek to find Him in this mess, and as I do my hope is that maybe, just maybe, you will find a little of Him as well. I pray that as I write myself out of this season of my life, that you might feel lighter and less alone, more purposed and expectant in yours. (And at the very least, that you might be mildly entertained by my inevitably-exhausting- and- always-unruly life in New York City.)

There’s so much for us to catch up on, so many things I can’t wait to share with you, but we’ll get there…

Because I’m back.

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32 thoughts on “I’m Back.”

  6. I don’t know why I was supposed to see this today, but I really think you were writing to me, not writing to help yourself. It’s been a long 16 months Krista, for you and for me. Thanks for being so open to come back to the blog.

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    1. Lari, I’m sorry to hear you have had a trying 16 months. (I’m with you.) praying that god would breathe life and refreshment into your weariness, and that he would give you comfort in the present and even hope to dream for the future! Praying that for you and for me! Thanks for reaching out ❤️

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  7. Not sure why I opened FB today but I think this is why. Excited to read along with you Krista. I know I need to hear what you’re sharing. I hate journaling but I agree it draws us closer to God and forces us to examine how close our walk is with Him. So so happy you are back. I absolutely love reading your blog. Diane ❤️🙏

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    1. Thank you for this message, Diane! I’m so glad you got on Facebook too (I never do anymore as well — its all babies and politics these days haha!) I’m excited for what god is going to reveal to each of us in this next season! Thanks again for reaching out ❤️

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  8. Krista, you have no idea how much I have missed you! Your writings bring chills to my very soul. I have been praying that God would bring you back to the ministry where I first met you…
    Welcome Back!! XOXO

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    1. Oh, thank you so much for this kind message. It means so much to me to know that you’ve been praying for me to come back this space! That honestly means more to me than I can express. Believing god has lots he wants to tell each of us in this season! ❤️

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  10. My dear friend and fellow New Yorker, (ok, I was born there but even though it’s sort of my home town I wouldn’t go back unless God said, and thankfully, He’d not saying). I am happy you are seeking God through blogging, praying, and just being aware that He is with you ever moment of what we call time. Did you wake up and have a hot cup of something? God was there. Did you smile or frown at the day? God was there. Did you start to write in hope? God’s there too. It has taken me awhile to find that God, my dearest Lord, is always there even when it’s hard, even when it hurts, even when I doubt and even when I don’t want to carry ANY more crosses. Now my journey is to submit. Submit to God’s perfect will. Abandon myself to His will. Oh sure, we pray, “Thy Will be done”, but do we mean it all the way, or do we think, “Ok, God. Thy Will but could we just wait a minute before ………??” I get angry and HIS Will is I hold my tongue and love and forgive. Hard to abandon then, isn’t it? Or, I hear about the murder of the unborn and again, hard to abandon knowing His Will, (permitting will this time), will ALWAYS work out for the good even when I don’t see it. Or what about when we desperately want something and He is silent, or saying, “wait”? May be it takes abandoning ourselves, our needs, our deepest desires of the heart to what is, and just say, “Ok, Lord. THY Will be done.” Pray that I can come to this joyful abandonment, please. I’m praying for you. Hugs and blessings, Dee

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    1. Oh dee, you are right, that level of abandonment is SO HARD. I’m with you! From the sounds of it, I think you will relate to a lot of the stories I will tell in this next season. As I, myself, seek to answer questions like, ‘can he really be trusted? Will what He’s asking me to give up really be worth it? Will it all work together for good? (Because it sure doesn’t feel like it ever will!)’
      I will be praying for you to get to that place of joyful abandonment, and until then, that you would have the courage to ask tough questions of God and that He would speak kindly to you in response and give you so much hope for the incredible things he has in store for your future! (They are so much better than you could ever realize.)

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  13. Yessssss!!!! You’re Back!!!😃👏💃🙌🙏 Thank Ya Jesus! I have missed you my sweet friend!💗💗

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  14. I love it. I love your writing, I love you. You inspire me and your words bring refreshments to the truth that all those feelings and thoughts I have that sometimes I am really hard on myself about… it isn’t just me. And you’re right: I too feel God is proud of the real rawness that comes with living on this earth in this time. Keep it up!!! I can’t wait to read it all! ♥️

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    1. “It isn’t just me” — some of the most healing and hope-filled words ever, right? Thanks Melissa! Cheering you on in your own raw realness journey! 😘

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  15. Hi Krista, you don’t know me. We never had the privilege to meet. But, I know your father, he was my pastor for about a year before his church dissolved. My daughter knows you and Ricky from ETV, remember? She spoke highly of you both. I’m not a writer, I honestly don’t know where to put commas or semicolons, but I like to read. I’m glad you are back. I also am not sure where to start a new paragraph so I’ll start it here.
    I’m on the other side of having children. Both of my are adults. My son is getting married so, my daughter is working her way through college. I often worry if I taught them enough, enough to hold on to God in every area of life. I worry that I won’t be able to look Good in the eye and say with certainty that I did my best for them. My son’s future mom in law asked yesterday, don’t you wish for the time back? When they were little, absolutely! Don’t get me wrong, both kids still attend church but there’s more, right? Anyway, change comes in all seasons of life and it funny how the age old questions remain. Where’s God? How long? And why this? Yet, the answer is still the same. “I am that I am”. “I am the beginning and the end”. ” Yet, I remain the same” and “I love still.”
    Thanks, for reminding me dear one!
    Looking forward to seeing more of your writing, Krista.

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