I use the term ‘fascinated’ very lightly and a little – if not completely – sarcastically.
You have heard me say that I often feel like I am living in a foreign country, and that would be because everything from the way people in Manhattan park their cars, to the languages they speak, even the water they drink is different!
I often find myself thinking,
Coming from Suburbia you might stare at this sign with complete and utter confusion like I did at first. But in time, a man walking his dog will come by and flawlessly illustrate for you what “curb your dog” actually means.
Because in fact, what the sign is really doing is telling you what not to do -which is not to allow your dog to pee on the grass, flowers, or god forbid, the trees!
Conveniently that narrows it down to only allowing your dog “to do their thang” on nothing more than the sidewalk directly in front of the people walking behind you!
And if you are even luckier to be one of those people traveling up hill – or even at the slightest incline – you may even get to dodge pee streaming down the street from the dog doing his business up ahead!
I like to think of it as a more raw, “urban version” of the Subway Surfer game- merging the stroller quickly in and out of groups of people on the streets of New York City, and receiving double points for successfully dodging the golden stream of urine flowing down towards both me and my offspring!
And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what the streets of Manhattan often smell like on a hot day…
Like I said, “what -the- heck?!”
Or the fact that in this city, it is a rarity to ever find a high chair -And changing tables, almost don’t exist entirely!
I remember the first time I had this realization while having lunch with my family at Mcdonald’s one day, and the full blown meltdown that ensued soon after – not from my toddler – but from me!
And I have no doubt that this moment of pure regret of ever having moved here, will make it’s way into one of my husband’s sermon illustrations someday.
But don’t worry, I have since come to embrace the lack of those suburban conveniences in my life, and yet, I have no doubt that one of the better questions to ask a Manhattan Mommy might just be, “where’s the most random place you’ve ever had to change your child’s diaper?”
The answers would be endlessly amusing, I’m sure!
I also find it fascinating that it isn’t unlikely to find a man in his 90’s with more attitude than a 16 year old!
I had a run in with one of these lil’ fellas at the Post Office this last week! And was forced to make the decision to leave package-less when his cursing rants and raves towards another man in line went a little too far -even for my 2 year old, who if I am completely honest, was listening to the unedited version of the Black Eyed Peas while still in the womb!
And the moment I became fully aware that the average mom with a child the same age as mine is going to be 10-15 years older than me! ( you would probably wait that long too if you knew there wasnt going to be any high chairs and changing tables! )
Or the moment I first realized my grocery store was both underground and had an elevator!
Even more “fascinating” was while shopping, seeing items like parsley for $3.00! A single frozen Digiorno pizza for $8.00! And a package of double stuffed Oreos for $6.00!!!
No really… What-in the-Heeeeeeezy is a stay-at-home mom supposed to do without a package of double stuffed Oreo’s hidden away in her pantry like a well guarded treasure?!? You know, just in case. And no doubt, only to be savored come nap time, so help me Lord Jesus!
Or the moment I walked onto the playground and found myself a midst a sea of nannies!!!
And deciding the only logical thing you can do is to play a light-hearted game of “Where’s Waldo?” like me and Rachel so often do – but instead of looking for Waldo, we look for a ‘Real Mom’!
I wish I could tell you that I was kidding…
Or that it wasn’t as much fun as it is!
Even funnier though was the time, my husband was questioning how I was “soooo sure” that the young blonde wearing sweatpants and pushing a stroller with a black haired child that looked nothing like her was a nanny…
Only to notice in that exact same moment, that my young, blonde haired self, was both wearing sweatpants and toting my daughter around -who indeed looks not even the slightest like me!
But For the record, I still stand by my assumption regardless! She had N –to the– ANNY written all over her!
But unfortunately, there is no denying, that indeed so do I!
Now for just a moment, close your eyes and think back to my now infamously tiny apartment, and the kitchen that looks like it was plucked straight from the glory of the 1980’s! ( or if you were lucky enough to forget, click here and take a quick trip down memory lane! )
Now, did you know that the average MINIMUM price for a one-bedroom NYC apartment is $500,000?
Half a mill, baby!!!!!
And MY little gem of an apartment, would actually be worth even more!!
(You know you want to say it…) WHAT. THE. HECK?!?
Did you also know, that in NYC there are over 200 languages spoken?
Which means it’s not unlikely that while in an elevator you could hear 3 different languages all being spoken at the same time! And if you are like me, you will sometimes find yourself having no idea what languages they are!
Even more fascinating, according to http://www.nyc.gov, about 1 in every 39 people living in the United States reside in New York City!
That means, that here in NYC there are more people than 39 out of the 50 states!
I love those last two facts because while complaining to your husband, “why eeeeeveryone in the world has to be in line at Trader Joes at the exact same time!”, you are actually exaggerating much less than he will say you are…
Now before I go, I feel it is my duty to inform the masses of the “fascinating” epidemic that is sweeping the city…
Patterned pants and sparkling water!
My silly, suburban self unknowingly seemed to believe that things like water in it’s original state, and that pants – minus the vivacious floral print – could still fully serve it’s purpose…
But apparently, I am sadly mistaken!
Yet, one thing is for sure…