I realize that this post may offend certain people: Good people, people who I’d probably really get along with otherwise…
But for the record, I am not sorry.
Last week’s post Worthy of Rubies was me, buttoned up in my ‘Sunday’s best’ and smiling pretty. But over the last couple of days a fire has come over me and I can’t keep silent.
You see, I hate when women stand before other women and use their platform to hide behind facades of ideal marriages, perfect specimens of children and strong opinions on the likes of breastfeeding, vaccines, and church politics…
I cringe when the Kim Kardashian’s of the world pose half-naked in an attempt to prove that they’re still sexy, when any ‘real mom’ feels like anything but! When friends on Facebook post statuses like “ …Made 6 loaves of banana bread, ran 12.8 miles, fed the homeless, and saved a cat, and was still able to get home in time to make homemade apricot pork loin and apple crisp for dinner tonight,” while the rest of us are left wondering how we even made it out of our pajamas today?!?
I don’t know when being sexy and domestically superior made us more of a woman, but let me challenge you with what I believe is the #1 misconception of a godly woman…
Years ago, I took a class in bible college that still to this day gets my blood boiling. It was a class called Christian Womanhood.
Three times a week hundreds of college freshman ladies piled into the auditorium, and who if they were anything like me, anticipated by the name of the class ‘Christian Womanhood’ that we would come to understand what it truly meant to become the godly woman the Lord desires for us to be.
Most of the girls attending the class would one day go on to become pastor wives, missionaries, and christian school teachers. Women who would have the potential to impact other women, communities and the World in POWERFUL ways!
And yet, THIS is what we learned…
– How to execute a wedding. Complete with rehearsing a mock wedding in which each of my peers played a ‘part.’ I however, sat in the audience (on the groom’s side if you want to be specific) uninterested, and unapologetic …I mean, seriously?
– The importance of making dinner for our families each night, and pointed out the convenience of using a crock pot. …Yep, it happened.
– Why we must only read the King James Version of the Bible. But I have no notes on that lesson, because unashamedly, I tuned that one out!
It was also in this class that we did an in-depth study of Proverbs 31 in the Bible. Which wasn’t bad per se, but due to all of the above (and the fact that I actually paid for this nonsense of a class!) I don’t think it would surprise anyone to know that still to this day, I have a physical aversion to any of the topics covered in that class, including the beloved Proverbs 31 woman!
Interestingly enough though, my husband came to me last week and asked me to write a devotion for our church on you guessed it – Proverbs 31! And in all honesty I fought it HARD, as if to completely downplay the significance of it in the Bible.
And yet as I pored over the chapter myself, I realized something I had never seen before, something I can assure you was NEVER taught in my class all those years ago:
Who can find a capable wife?… She is energetic and STRONG… She has NO FEAR of winter… She is clothed with STRENGTH…
Proverbs 31:10, 17, 21, 25
The Proverbs 31 woman is a lot of things- domestic and lovely, successful and well-respected, But most repeated, she is STRONG! Not anything like the passive and weak woman we are so often encouraged to be! She has no fear of winter – the difficult times to come – and is most definitely not limited to planning weddings and using crock pots!
It got me thinking go the times I have had to be strong…
When 2 years into my marriage, when we should have been comparing paint swatches for the living room and eating breakfast in bed (or whatever it is that newlyweds do!) but instead we were battling it out in screaming matches and trying to decided what we would do with the house in the event of a divorce.
…When The Lord asked me to forgive my husband, and when even more clearly, I begged God kicking and screaming to let me move on, to give me permission to break ties with the man I was petrified would hurt me once again! But how the Lord never wavered.
How I was furious and shaken, but STRONG enough to choose to please the Lord above all else and embark on a journey to learn to love my husband again. And for the record, I am so incredibly glad I did!
How years later, we faced an unimaginable tragedy in our church while my husband was away at summer camp. How I wanted nothing more then for my husband to walk through the door, so I could immerse myself into the comfort of his arms, allowing myself to freely fall into a heap of tears with the one person who shared my mutual heartache. And how it never happened…
Because upon returning home, my husband made only one request: we not cry. How instead, he wanted to watch the news footage covering the accident over… and… over… and lay on floor and listen to worship music until late into the night. How he needed me there, and how more than anything he needed me to be STRONG!
How impossible it felt (how impossible it would’ve been apart from the Lord!) but how I sought hard to find my strength in Christ, relying on Him wholeheartedly for my comfort so that I could be strong for my husband, so that in return, he could be strong for so many others as their Pastor!
Oh, how my soul longed in those moments, for a woman to have opened up and spoken to me as a college freshman about THAT! To have a woman stand before me, vulnerable about her overwhelming fears and unworthiness, but of God’s immeasurable strength available to us in spite of it!
And so if I could teach a class on christian womanhood, and if all of you reading were my exceptionally lovely students, I would tell you that the most breathtaking picture of a ‘christian woman’ is not merely a sweet, modest, well-spoken, domestic goddess – but the woman whose strength and unshakeable faith lifts up all those around her despite the circumstance or ‘winter’ she has found herself in. (Prov. 31:21)
I’d tell you that no matter how beautiful of a bride you make, that one day your marriage may feel hopeless. And to remember when that day comes, it’s not a direct reflection of the INADEQUACY of you, but the potential GREATNESS of God if we allow Him to restore the broken pieces left of our hearts, and our vows.
That one day, the strong men we marry may need OUR strength to literally and physically pick them up off the floor, and that it won’t be a damn crock pot that will save the day, but the fire deep within us to FIGHT for our marriages and for our husbands to be the godly men that the Lord desires them to be!
Because the truth is, EVERYONE can let us down. But by choosing to find our strength in Christ, there is NOTHING God can’t grant us, and NOTHING He can not restore!
We need only to turn to Him, for He is the only one capable of giving life to our broken hearts and the strength we need to keep holding on.
And it would be as simple as that.
Class is dismissed.
Krista Ortiz 
Thank you Krista. I am reading a lot of blogs on the interesting creature that is the “Wife” – both secular and Christian, and I am growing with each post I read. Thank you for sharing, I have laughed and cried while reading this particular post. God bless
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What a breath of fresh air! The answer is in Christ, not our perfection. My heart is saddened with all the misconceptions out there on marriage and I am in the middle of writing a blog post along similar lines, so this was extremely timely reading for me 🙂 God bless you!
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HI
with due respect
please can any tell or guide me how to find a GODLY (GOD FEARING UN MARRIED )WOMAN
what do i look for ? because i do not want to get involved with a wrong person?
and what abt young man like if u are looking for one’ for your own sister or friends ?
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Dear rayquest, In searching for a godly woman let me suggest that you get as involved in bible studies and church ministries as possible. Serve in short term missions, volunteer at shelters, and do what your passionate about, and ask God to guide you to the vocation He has for you. Along the way, as you get involved in the work of Christ, he will bring women into your path who are like minded. Don’t search for an “ideal” godly woman, just one who is likeminded to you that you can share in the work of the Lord together, grow together, and love.
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Thank you for this post I am rwDing at a season in my life that I turkey needed to hear it! I am moved to be stronger and a true wife and have more strength to get through! Thank you!
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I read this on Facebook and let me just say AMEN! I totally agree that there is so much more to a woman than crockpots,…and the part about being strong for your spouse because they need you to be? That was spot on!! Granted I couldnt do it all the time but when the chips are down a strong woman steps up. So thank you again for being real.
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This was amazing! I had to stop reading throughout -TO CRY!! Lol
This is exactly where I am- fighting for my marriage. Gods strength and promises are what keep me sustained and moving forward! God is such a faithful Father, He will never let us down, He will never leave us, and He will ALWAYS lead us straight , through the battle at times, to his loving arms and into his abundant goodness and very best for our lives!
Thank you for such a great post! I will keep it and cherish it-❤
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Lauri, if I wasn’t already moved enough by the blog post itself, your post has brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy and mutual understanding. Joy because you are fighting, being strong and getting your strength from the ONE who never grows weary. Mutual understanding because I’ve been there, in fact, I’m still walking that road. We are on smooth path now, but I trust that God will keep me strong and fighting to overcome whatever this world will throw our way.
Keep STRONG….be honest, seek God and always know HE is ENOUGH!!
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Wow! I married that woman!
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My wife left when she was one month pregnant. She is now five months. The past four have been horrible. I’ve never experienced such pain anguish and remorse. She left primarily because of my stubbornness and selfishness. I am asking whoever reads this join me in prayer that her heart will be changed in this. She wants nothing to do with me and gets angry if I try to communicate with her. I tried making it right but the more I tried the the worse it made it. Last Sunday I cried and screamed out in anguish to God and I called out her name begging for God and her to forgive me were I wronged. An hour later she texted and said she forgave me, it is a start, and I look at it as nothing short of a miracle. She still don’t want me contacting her though. She still says it’s over, but I am not giving up until God tells me too and he hasn’t yet. I told her that it was now in her hands to allow God to restore us and reap great glory or let satan have his victory. Please pray for us. I pray that someday our baby girl can hear the testimony how her mother stood for God and allowed Him to bring her momma and daddy closer together than they ever thought possible.
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I am praying for you both, Gabe.
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Gabe, I hear your pain and hear the hurt. But, why are you praying for God to change your wife’s heart? You admitted that the reason she left is your “stubbornness and selfishness.” You need to be on your knees begging God to rip all the stubbornness and selfishness out of your heart. Beg him to grow the fruit of the Spirit (Eph. 5:22-23) in you. Ask Him to connect you to some godly men who will hold you accountable to deal with the sin you are committing against your wife. “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” is a start. But that’s all it is. Why not pray that your baby girl hears her daddy say. “I was mean, arrogant, selfish and unkind to the wife God gave me. I took her for granted and drove her away. But then I truly bowed at the cross of Jesus and repented of that sin and I left it there. God changed my heart, and taught me how to die to self and love my wife the way Jesus Christ loved the Church–completely, unselfishly and unconditionally. Then Jesus helped me lead my wife back to a right relationship with Him and with me.” That’s what I’m praying for you.
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Bryan, I think that is what he meant when he said he tried to make it right. He cannot force her to come back to him though. I am praying for you and your marriage Gabe!
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I can’t tell you what this means to me, especially in this season of life.
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I loved, loved your comments! Wonderful truths. The way you explained the real way life is was amazing and so right on. I’m 63 years old and I’ve never heard any Christian put it quite so true. Thank you again and again
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I always struggled with Proverbs 31 as well until God showed me the key verse is: a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
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Yes, so good! I went through major postpartum depression when as a young 20-something with 2 kids 2 and under, I couldn’t keep up with this godly woman image I had and was reinforced by lots of Christian women, books, etc. that I was exposed to. And this was before facebook. I can’t think how I would have survived with not only my own wrong thinking encouraging I was doing so poorly at mothering and being a wife, but the comparison game of facebook would have possibly put me over the edge. We have got to be careful what we are saying on there, on blogs, in coversations, etc. This article sounds a lot like what you are saying, but as a christians as a whole, not just women. I think You would like it. 🙂 http://kyledonn.com/blog/sexy-christianity
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Reblogged this on Ryann Crofoot.
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Yes, oh yes! The words “To have a woman stand before me, vulnerable about her overwhelming fears and unworthiness, but speak of God’s immeasurable strength available to us in spite of it!” are SO SO good…and all of us need that. Thanks for sharing your heart!
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Your misconception of a godly women was so needed for me. Iam weak and let people and situations get to me. Unfortunately I am strong in opinion in our raising our children. I really enjoyed your article thank you.
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This. I needed this, this week to be exact. Thank you SO much for listening to God, for righting this message. This former pastor’s kid and current minister’s wife is going to lay down her aversion to Proverbs 31 and pick up that encouragement about strength. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
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Amen!
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Gabe …God can restore anything…show God how much this means to u….Google prayers for restoration of marriage…pray without ceasing…buy the Love Dare book….i will pray for u …Remember God loves marriage and family…..keep faith….
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I loved this and I needed to hear this. Thank you for taking time to write it!
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Your words truly spoke to me today, dear one. There is truth here, for sure. God saved my own marriage over a decade ago, as my husband finally fought and won his battle with alcoholism. He is a Godly man today and helps others to find their own way out from that awful addiction. Our struggle was not pretty either, and I screamed at God more than once in the midst of it all. Thank you for your honestly today, and I pray it speaks to many that need to hear it. — D
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Thank you for your refreshingly vibrant opinions and heart! Especially from one who is beautifully put together and could be the picture perfect post card for a Godly Woman.
Would love to follow this blog, but I’m bad about checking my emails. Do you ladies have a FB page for your blogs? Would love to connect with you that way. Please let me know. Thanks ladies!
Blessings from Wyoming ~ Terri
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Reblogged this on This Berry Life and commented:
Growing up as a preacher’s kid, I always swore I’d would NEVER marry a man in ministry. Why? Because I would NEVER be the right woman for that, nothing like that Proverbs 31 I heard about so often. I wasn’t gentle enough. I wasn’t domestic enough. I wasn’t feminine enough. I mean… spin wool with my hands? Sew my family the finest garments? I CAN’T EVEN SEW A BUTTON ON RIGHT!!! Well… my future band director laid down His plans in exchange for God’s somewhere along our engagement and became, you guessed it, a minister. I’m now married to a worship pastor/college pastor. I often joke with him that he tricked me because I thought I was marrying the marching band version of Mr. Holland from Mr. Holland’s Opus. 😉 This blog challenged that aversion to Proverbs 31 in some majorly huge ways – I’ve had to be strong, especially this last year. So today I learned some about myself. I AM a Proverbs 31 woman – even when I put up the lost buttons for someone else to sew on, or even when my family gets Subway because I am just NOT feeling the domestic thing. So.. PLEASE READ THIS! And thank you, Krista!
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You said “damn.” I love this…not because I think cursing is good because I absolutely despise that I curse…and I say a lot worse than damn. But that you are brave enough to be raw and unfinished (as we all are) and face the world as such. Bravo…for being honest. I do love my crock pot, though.
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I promise, I love mine too! 🙂 I feel like I owe my crockpot an apology…
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So very true! I have been married for 17 years and we are blessed with 2 amazing boys. Life is not about crockpots and smiles, but about faith, commitment, compromise, and love. I am also a Asst Prin and counselor in a Catholic school. I have such a need for my middle school students to understand that how they treat adults and peers now is how they are preparing to interact once they are adults. That problem solving isn’t only key to social skills right now, but also how they will treat their co-workers, their spouse, and their in-laws when they disagree. I feel preparing our students for reality is so vital to their success, happiness, and them knowing strength can always be found in God. I could go on and on, but well written! Have a blessed Thanksging!
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Wish you lived nearby ;). Thanks! Maybe i can be ” you ” for a friend who is nearby. Hmm, or better yet, me strong and strong in the Lord.
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I love that Amy! 🙂 Thanks for the kind words…
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Well said….
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My husband makes me so mad sometimes but then I remember the horrible sadness that I still hear in my sisters voice when she speaks of her husband that went to be with Jesus last year. I’m glad that I still have him, grumpy or not. A very wise lady told me one day when I was mad at my husband that someone has to give in. Will always remember her advice.
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Although I was with you for a while, when you felt the need to add a curse word into a devotion or writing about being a Christian woman, I totally lost all respect. There is no need for that and I can not fathom why you thought it necessary.
I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. I am not trying to bash you as a person. We all have our own faults and I assure you I have mine. But as a writer in the past, I know we stop and edit and reread before we publish. In my opinion, that one word discredits any good you were trying to do with this. I am not trying to be holier than thou or look down my nose because I do agree that God’s children are to uplift each other. It just breaks my heart that christian material is beginning to look more and more like the world than the Christ it claims to be talking about.
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I agree. I loved everything, until I got to that word and I really didn’t see the need either. Made me sad.
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So typical these days… instead of commenting on the truths of what was written here, you can only find something to be critical of… one dern, dang, darn, dangblasted word…you kinda missed the whole point didn’t ya? Jesus had a lot more to say to the Pharisees than he ever did to the sinners…. you bunch of white washed tombs full of dead mens’ bones. They will cry out Lord, Lord didn’t we cast out demons in your name and He will say away from me you evil doers!!
Rock on sister, I love your realness and honesty in this writing and at the beginning of my marriage I wish I had known these truths… thank you for putting it into words for me!
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I completely agree Dawn! I was mostly on board until I saw that one word. There was absolutely no need for it. I understand her frustration but, as soon as I saw it my heart broke. I also felt like she downplayed Proverbs 31, which is very important and near and dear to me.
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People like you are exactly why I quit attending the church I belonged to for 25 years. I’m pretty sure God wept more at your judgemental nature than Krista’s use of the word damn. After all the great things she said it took only one negative,one area of disagreement, for you to lose all respect for her? A you kidding me? How will you ever reach those who are lost when you are sitting up on your throne? Your words and those of the people who agreed with you are what makes me sad.
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THANK YOU!!
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Thank you thank you thank you! And bless you!
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Well said. You put into words exactly how i feel about FB and all those Martha Stewart quotes from moms. I am like you and I am sure many many other women out there in regards to motherhood and life. Thank you for writing this article. It was so worth the read.
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This is awesome! You are so right! I lost my husband unexpectedly in September. I am left with our 3 children and being STRONG is my only option! I just started cooking for my family again because it was something I loved to do for my husband and it literally made me sick to my stomach until recently. People judge because I was feeding them fast food too much. I was doing what I had to in order to survive. Thank you so much for your post. Being a Godly woman is not a glamorous job but we are called to do it. Your blog is refreshing!
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You sound like my kind of girl, as I am not above McDonalds! 🙂 Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story Tommi! I applaud your amazing strength to survive under such heartbreaking circumstances! Thanks again!
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I am almost at a loss for words!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I would say more but I don’t know what and how! I am hoping you can, by some kind of osmosis, read my mind and see the deluge of positive feelings you have given me with this blog post! Right now I’m like Doug from the movie Up…: “I don’t know you but I love you!” 🙂
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Laura, you are so sweet! Thank you for the encouragement. The osmosis is working! 😉
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I needed this today- so much! I am of the same mind as you with regard to being strong and I am in a Winter right now, heading for Spring, and I still have days where I find sadness holding me down, questions pouring through my mind that I do NOT NEED TO ASK, but The Lord ALWAYS encourages me to stand strong again and keep my eyes on Him and it keeps my trust strong. I daily choose to handle things the way God expects me to and not the way the world shows us we are to react and choose to hold on to sadness, anger, disappointment, etc., which just creates problems we aren’t meant to create or have to deal with if we choose to go God’s way. Today, He brought me straight to this post for just that purpose. Thank you for being courageous and sharing! I hope that we can all be a living class for this purpose for young women and share more to them than our favorite recipes! The truth is, sometimes, we do just as a Proverbs 31 wife and bring our food from afar and pick up take out!
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hahahaha! “Sometimes we do just as the Proverbs 31 wife and bring our food from afar and pick up take out!” LOL! I so needed that laugh! Thanks for sharing with me, I truly appreciate it!
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Great post. You made me nod and laugh, especially at “damn crockpot” 🙂 Love the “no fear of winter” verse. I have recently been meditating on Paul’s verses about rejoicing in all circumstances as I reach my due date with baby #2 tomorrow and am fighting an attitude of impatience and anxiety about recurring back pain, increased responsibility as a wife and mom and the impending holidays.
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Thank you for this thoughtful and honest perspective on womanhood. There is so much strength to be found in scripture about how much God loves and honors women. He honors us not just for what we do but for how he made us to be. None of the people God uses “fit the mold”. Stereotypes are caricatures and caricatures are not real. I write on the concept of Christian Feminism for much the same reasons you describe in your dislike of the seminar you described in the article. I can guarantee I would have found it offensive and counterproductive, too.
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I had that same class in Bible College. It did nothing to prepare me to be a woman, or even a woman of God. Thank you for your honesty and bringing a real presprective to life, marriage and being a mother. It took me awhile and a wonderful husband to realize I am not a superwoman despite what Cindy Schaap and these other women preach. And that is perfectly okay. We are happier and my children are happy. The tough times cone and we grow stronger together a team. Not as a subservient woman to a man. We use our differences to bring us together and be one.
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Thank you for your brave honesty! I am so sick of the “keeping up with the desperate housewives” race! All marriages take work, and this advice was much needed!
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Thank you! Amazing how God somehow manages to tell us what we need to hear! I needed to read this today to stay strong!
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As an 78 yr old woman who’s been through two marriages, I wholeheartly agree with Kristy. However, I knew when my minister preached a message that I thought,”He knows.” I’d tried so hard to keep my violent unhappy marriage a secret fro everyone including my own parents. He didn’t know of course, but God was speaking to me through that sermon because my children were suffering too. I realized that they were growing up thinking that this was what marriage was all about and I knew better. My parents had a long, long marriage before my dad was stricken with Alzeheimer’s and years later my mother with cancer. I miss them. But I know that they stuck through the hard times when sometimes as a young person, I wondered why. Because they loved each other and they loved God. But when you have married a man who does not love God or honor His guidance, I believe it was not part of his plan at all but our own selfish desires that brought us there. God bless you and others who chose according to God’s will.
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I would love to re-post this. The heart of this is so encouraging and challenging. The only problem is the cuss word. Would you mind posting again without it? I know it would be greatly appreciated by many. Thank you so much for writing this!
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Rachel, thanks for reaching out. You are more than welcome to share this and take the word out if you wish! (maybe just copy and paste to another document? sorry I am no good with technology) but I have no problem with that at all 🙂
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I can’t tell you how many times I have felt this exact same way- the way you phrased it was perfect! Thanks for sharing 😉
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Did we go to the same college??
Thank you for sharing, for being authentic, for opening up your heart! This was the first post I have read of yours.
I too long to be a strong, authentic godly woman, and your post was so refreshing to read. Thanks for reminding me that no matter what life throws at me the I can totally depend on god for his strength to get me through!
Thanks so much!
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Wow reading this really broke my heart. I really hope you and your husband are doing better now. To think that you’d have screaming matches and you’d be desperate to leave are huge red flags that hurt my heart to think you endured. Same with him instructing you not to cry when you wanted to (crying isn’t a show of weakness by any means.) My heart and thoughts are with you!
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Wow — I’d REALLY like to know which college you attended, because that class sounded eerily familiar. Slightly different title, but same idea. And one of my professor/mentors — whom I love anyway and is still my friend — always sugar-coated everything. Including the sexual misconduct in her own immediate and extended family, but we all had to be full of “joy, joy, joy,” sugar-coat it, or pretend it never happened. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Yes, for the first several years, I tried and tried to be the perfect Christian Martha Stewart. It worked on the outside, but was exhausting!!! I finally stopped that nonsense.
Although I’m faaaar from perfect, when I was married to a pastor, people would tell me, “It’s so refreshing to see a ‘genuine’ pastor’s wife.” (I THINK they meant it postively ….) I just remember telling so many, “What you see is what you get. I’m as imperfect as you are.” (Sadly, that man chose to walk away from God step by step, woman by woman, and chose to divorce me and throw our family into the fire.)
These Christian college classes need to get REAL and deal with REAL life and REAL people with REAL problems — and how to respond.
Thanks so much for sharing.
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So glad you “stopped that nonsense” Gloria! Your REALness is just as refreshing to me, so thank you!!!
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I am forever grateful that my wife stuck with me despite my horrible misconceptions of what marriage was supposed to be like over the first 6 years. We still have ups and downs, but barely a minute or two goes by after someone says something or does something wrong that we don’t talk about and work through it.
Hope lots of guys read this too.
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This is a wonderful article but one area I felt like that should have been included is single godly women. It takes incredible strength to be a single woman in a culture that so highly values marriage. One implied misconception in many churches is you’re not truly a woman until you’re a wife and mother. Every Bible study that I’ve done that has been geared towards women have focused on women being wives and mothers. I know most are but with almost half the adult population being single, it’s time for the church to change the way it ministers and disciples people.
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Thank you! I have to admit that last week I ignored your blog about Prov 31, because i didn’t want to hear what a horrible Christian wife and woman I am. But I didn’t know the slant you would take on it, I just didn’t want to read about my shortcomings again. Thank you for “putting it plain” and letting us Christian women out here know that we are NOT failures because we can’t win the Martha Stewart Award for Awesome Women (made that up, but it could be a a real thing).
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Krista, Thank you so much for this. I am in the middle of the second time I have to fight for my marriage, and fight to encourage the man I married to know God can heal him and use him for good. So far, this has been 6 months of hurt and pain, and it will not end for many months to come. I know God has given me the strength to see this through, and to pull my husband up off the ground, and into the fight of his life. Thank you for the encouragement to know that quietness and reserved reactions are not always what we are called to.
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