I realize that this post may offend certain people: Good people, people who I’d probably really get along with otherwise…
But for the record, I am not sorry.
Last week’s post Worthy of Rubies was me, buttoned up in my ‘Sunday’s best’ and smiling pretty. But over the last couple of days a fire has come over me and I can’t keep silent.
You see, I hate when women stand before other women and use their platform to hide behind facades of ideal marriages, perfect specimens of children and strong opinions on the likes of breastfeeding, vaccines, and church politics…
I cringe when the Kim Kardashian’s of the world pose half-naked in an attempt to prove that they’re still sexy, when any ‘real mom’ feels like anything but! When friends on Facebook post statuses like “ …Made 6 loaves of banana bread, ran 12.8 miles, fed the homeless, and saved a cat, and was still able to get home in time to make homemade apricot pork loin and apple crisp for dinner tonight,” while the rest of us are left wondering how we even made it out of our pajamas today?!?
I don’t know when being sexy and domestically superior made us more of a woman, but let me challenge you with what I believe is the #1 misconception of a godly woman…
Years ago, I took a class in bible college that still to this day gets my blood boiling. It was a class called Christian Womanhood.
Three times a week hundreds of college freshman ladies piled into the auditorium, and who if they were anything like me, anticipated by the name of the class ‘Christian Womanhood’ that we would come to understand what it truly meant to become the godly woman the Lord desires for us to be.
Most of the girls attending the class would one day go on to become pastor wives, missionaries, and christian school teachers. Women who would have the potential to impact other women, communities and the World in POWERFUL ways!
And yet, THIS is what we learned…
– How to execute a wedding. Complete with rehearsing a mock wedding in which each of my peers played a ‘part.’ I however, sat in the audience (on the groom’s side if you want to be specific) uninterested, and unapologetic …I mean, seriously?
– The importance of making dinner for our families each night, and pointed out the convenience of using a crock pot. …Yep, it happened.
– Why we must only read the King James Version of the Bible. But I have no notes on that lesson, because unashamedly, I tuned that one out!
It was also in this class that we did an in-depth study of Proverbs 31 in the Bible. Which wasn’t bad per se, but due to all of the above (and the fact that I actually paid for this nonsense of a class!) I don’t think it would surprise anyone to know that still to this day, I have a physical aversion to any of the topics covered in that class, including the beloved Proverbs 31 woman!
Interestingly enough though, my husband came to me last week and asked me to write a devotion for our church on you guessed it – Proverbs 31! And in all honesty I fought it HARD, as if to completely downplay the significance of it in the Bible.
And yet as I pored over the chapter myself, I realized something I had never seen before, something I can assure you was NEVER taught in my class all those years ago:
Who can find a capable wife?… She is energetic and STRONG… She has NO FEAR of winter… She is clothed with STRENGTH…
Proverbs 31:10, 17, 21, 25
The Proverbs 31 woman is a lot of things- domestic and lovely, successful and well-respected, But most repeated, she is STRONG! Not anything like the passive and weak woman we are so often encouraged to be! She has no fear of winter – the difficult times to come – and is most definitely not limited to planning weddings and using crock pots!
It got me thinking go the times I have had to be strong…
When 2 years into my marriage, when we should have been comparing paint swatches for the living room and eating breakfast in bed (or whatever it is that newlyweds do!) but instead we were battling it out in screaming matches and trying to decided what we would do with the house in the event of a divorce.
…When The Lord asked me to forgive my husband, and when even more clearly, I begged God kicking and screaming to let me move on, to give me permission to break ties with the man I was petrified would hurt me once again! But how the Lord never wavered.
How I was furious and shaken, but STRONG enough to choose to please the Lord above all else and embark on a journey to learn to love my husband again. And for the record, I am so incredibly glad I did!
How years later, we faced an unimaginable tragedy in our church while my husband was away at summer camp. How I wanted nothing more then for my husband to walk through the door, so I could immerse myself into the comfort of his arms, allowing myself to freely fall into a heap of tears with the one person who shared my mutual heartache. And how it never happened…
Because upon returning home, my husband made only one request: we not cry. How instead, he wanted to watch the news footage covering the accident over… and… over… and lay on floor and listen to worship music until late into the night. How he needed me there, and how more than anything he needed me to be STRONG!
How impossible it felt (how impossible it would’ve been apart from the Lord!) but how I sought hard to find my strength in Christ, relying on Him wholeheartedly for my comfort so that I could be strong for my husband, so that in return, he could be strong for so many others as their Pastor!
Oh, how my soul longed in those moments, for a woman to have opened up and spoken to me as a college freshman about THAT! To have a woman stand before me, vulnerable about her overwhelming fears and unworthiness, but of God’s immeasurable strength available to us in spite of it!
And so if I could teach a class on christian womanhood, and if all of you reading were my exceptionally lovely students, I would tell you that the most breathtaking picture of a ‘christian woman’ is not merely a sweet, modest, well-spoken, domestic goddess – but the woman whose strength and unshakeable faith lifts up all those around her despite the circumstance or ‘winter’ she has found herself in. (Prov. 31:21)
I’d tell you that no matter how beautiful of a bride you make, that one day your marriage may feel hopeless. And to remember when that day comes, it’s not a direct reflection of the INADEQUACY of you, but the potential GREATNESS of God if we allow Him to restore the broken pieces left of our hearts, and our vows.
That one day, the strong men we marry may need OUR strength to literally and physically pick them up off the floor, and that it won’t be a damn crock pot that will save the day, but the fire deep within us to FIGHT for our marriages and for our husbands to be the godly men that the Lord desires them to be!
Because the truth is, EVERYONE can let us down. But by choosing to find our strength in Christ, there is NOTHING God can’t grant us, and NOTHING He can not restore!
We need only to turn to Him, for He is the only one capable of giving life to our broken hearts and the strength we need to keep holding on.
And it would be as simple as that.
Class is dismissed.
Krista Ortiz 
Proverbs 31 can be both encouraging and discouraging. Men, if you are hoping to marry a woman who can do all that is listed in Proverbs 31, then you are doomed for disappointment. The Proverbs 31 woman is a mature woman who has learned wisdom from God through many years of experience. She doesn’t come ready-made at the altar. Yet, the young bride who has determined to learn wisdom is already counted wise. For a further exposition of Proverbs 31 that considers the chapter in the greater context of both Scripture and life, go to this link and find the paper “The Proverbs 31 Wife: Fact or Fiction?”: http://www.graceinabundance.com/academic_papers.html.
LikeLike
My husband has a wonderful take on Proverbs 31; it’s a man’s valentine to the wife he loves. As such, in spite of her inevitable failures, this is how he chooses to see her.
LikeLike
So you’re saying it’s okay for a wife to NOT fulfill the virtues in Proverbs 31? We all sin and we all fall short of what is expected, but we should at last try to fulfill what is expected of us. Why would women be allowed to downplay these expectations because it appears too difficult?
LikeLike
John, you don’t sound like you want an answer as much as you want a fight, so you can feel justified somehow. :-
LikeLike
Did you REALLY just say that? I will be praying for you to understand the meaning of God’s unmerited Grace.
LikeLike
John, the final goal is perfection. Our goal should never be less. We are to be like Christ, and through his Spirit we are gradually becoming conformed to his image (2 Cor 3:18). We are definitely to fulfill the virtues–but these are goals. When we fall short of what God wants in our character, we have the promise of forgiveness upon confession and repentance, to which you alluded already. The difficulties come when the expectations are wrongly defined, determined by man rather than God. Proverbs 31 is about wisdom. The wisdom of a mature wife is, under normal circumstances, going to be greater than that of a new bride who has a lot to learn.
LikeLike
I agree with you, John. I also believe that those things mentioned in the Christian Womanhood class are valuable. At the same time it would be valuable to also teach about the winter storms.
LikeLike
Wow! Great article and then to see the name Carmen Bryant under comments! Hi Carmen! Greetings from Paul and Becky!
LikeLike
This really hit home but I’m still at a loss of how to respond to verbal abuse as my husband is not a Christian.
LikeLike
Kaitlyn, if you haven’t already, I suggest reading Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and seeing a good Christian counselor to help you deal with the verbal abuse. Living with verbal abuse can really wear you down and is a serious issue.
LikeLike
Why would the fact that your husband is not a Christian impact the idea that his verbal abuse is wrong? Regardless of religion, verbal abuse is not ok and it sounds like you need to have a discussion and/or get a third party involved if it is hurting you.
LikeLike
I feel like she might have included that her husband isn’t a Christian (where she is) matters because the argument/defense changes when you can’t invoke Christian principles into the matter. My husband can say the meanest things to me – and yes, he knows they are wrong, but he doesn’t see them as sinful… He doesn’t see them as heartbreaking to God… for me those things matter. Maybe that matters to her too.
LikeLike
Huh? Not a Christian? She said her husband was a pastor.
LikeLike
@Shannon Williams Hahn – the response about ‘not a Christian’ is to one of the commentator’s posts not to the blogger- Kaitlyn, a few posts above yours, is being verbally abused by a non-Christian spouse.
LikeLike
Verbal abuse is wrong, period. But we cannot expect unbelievers to live by the same standards that are intended for God’s people. In the case of verbal abuse, however, American society also considers it wrong, so we have society as a whole on our side. My personal advice, in hopes that it might help: (1) Make sure that you turn this issue over to Jesus, because he has promised that he will carry your load (Matt. 11:28-30). (2) Realize that what comes out of the mouth reveals what is in the heart (Matt. 12:34). Unless God changes the heart, any cleanup of the mouth will likely be only temporary. An abusive mouth indicates an abusive and angry heart. (3) For your own sake, try to keep from hanging onto the hurt and anger that is bound to come (Ecc. 7:9). (4) Let your husband know that you do not find his words acceptable or helpful but rather hurtful; he has crossed boundaries of what is acceptable in marriage. (5) Don’t worry about the admonition that is sometimes given that you should meekly and quietly just accept what he is doing. When we do not confront a sinner with his sin (when it is against us), we encourage him to continue in it and actually share in his guilt. (There is an OT reference to that, but I can’t find it just now. Sorry!) Do it carefully and respectfully, but do it. May God give you wisdom.
LikeLike
This article hit home for me also. I have had a verbally and emotionally abusive husband who calls himself a Christian. It has about made me have a nervous breakdown. I have been reading in Jonah. God spoke clearly to me. I’m 44 and I have never read Jonah in the way I have these last 2 weeks. Jonah wasn’t happy about fulfilling the Lord’s will even after being turned around. He felt so upset about it that he wanted to die. Jonah said it not once, but three times. Of all things, we don’t even know the rest of Jonah’s thoughts because the Lord ends the book in a question.
LikeLike
my childhood pastor use to say that as christians we live in the adversarial world. So we better have our space suits on to get through it. I’m not sure of the reference but i am learning right now is that soft answers turn away anger. Not a doormat, but a quiet spirit in the storm. my parents were unequally yoked as well and I saw my mother do this many a time. God on earth her obedience to her husband and my father did turn his life over to God.it definitely is not easy.
LikeLike
Kaitlyn,
Two examples that I can give you of how God takes things that look desperate and hard to deal with into something beautiful and amazing.
First, my grandfather before becoming a wonderful pastor had wondered out on my grandmother with several women at the time around 1930 and having an illegitamate daughter in the process. However, my grandma was a strong Christian woman who stood by him and guided him to Christ through her love for him. Now, 80+ years later, two of my uncles are pastors, two were deacons, my dad a wonderful Christian man, and my aunt a Christian too. So out of 9 children (2 of which are mentally handicapped) 6 are serving God the best they can. From a man who changed and led his family to Christ, eventually.
Second, my previously mentioned aunt, she is still in a very abusive (verbally, physically, mentally) marriage. Her daughter living through that until she graduated high school has seen her mom treated awful. However, my aunt taught her to love unconditionally. Now, my cousin is 34 has a wonderful Christian home that didn’t start out that way and has two wonderful children who know Christ and serve him. My aunt’s husband is still in bondage to sin, but she requests prayer for him every Sunday.
So even though it looks grim at times, just like this article says HOLD ON TO GOD and BE STRONG IN HIM! He will never leave you or forsake you and he will take care of these things in time. Two wonderful stories in the Bible to illustrate (there are many more) is Job and Joseph. Joseph is in Genesis. God will heal you marriage and take care of you because you are his child.
Hope this is helpful and may God bless you. 🙂
LikeLike
I can understand. I see all the posts and blogs about marriages working out and overcoming adversity. My husband and I are divorcing because I can’t take the verbal abuse, outright laziness, and disregard for the fact that we are now parents. I wish there were more blogs about marriages like that. Its gets so confusing as to what to do at times…but I know I have a little boy that deserves so much better than the situation I was in.
LikeLike
There is such truth to your words. As women, we need to be encouraging each other in our failures and the depth’s of our dispair. Not by holding them up to some perfect model which not one person can attain.
In an attempt to be a more godly, submissive wife, I once attended a women’s Bible study about just that. It was facilitated by an older woman in the church whom I admired. (And still do). However, what this Bible study mostly promoted was how to be the perfect, domestic housewife…who was incapable of discussing her husband’s day because, frankly, she wasn’t bright enough to understand the stress of his day-to-day life. As a professional career woman who had my own day-to-day life in the office, I decided to quit half-way through the class. During each session, I found myself arguing with the tenets being taught, and decided I was too much a deterrant to the others attending. I now wish I had stood my ground, if only to have provided another (less idealistic) point of view.
LikeLike
I think everything you have written here is really great, except your first paragraph. I feel like in the Church we too often assume offense instead of grace from our brothers and sisters. God clearly put this on your heart and He has walked you through the trials to prove His point. Why would that offend anyone? I just feel like to the World we too often present this picture that the Church is a bunch of bickering children that will get their heckles up over a crock pot. That is not how Christ said the World would recognize His Church. This is the third blog I have read by a wonderful, grace filled sister that started by saying she was sure she was going to offend other Christians. Their blog went on to be loving, gracious, wise, ect., but their assumption was this would offend other Christians. It really breaks my heart that this is how we view each other inside the Church and we feel the need to broadcast it to the world. Also, if a brother or sister is offended, it speaks more to their immaturity and their need for discipleship from more mature believers, not a need for public shaming.
LikeLike
Nice but you killed it for me with the use of profanity near the end in your description of the crockpot. Christians must! Hold themselves to a higher standard especially with words. I was thinking of women I could share this with until that point. You lost all credibility with one 4 letter word.
LikeLike
Someone looses all credibility because of using one word? You certainly hold yourself up to some pretty high standards. It’s just a word, get over it. The message is still the same. Sometimes you nee to add a little seasoning to the meal to get the full potential out of it.
LikeLike
Sawyer get fucken for real! You lost me at profanity! It’s self righteous people like you that chase normal people from God and give him a really bad name! You know it is people like you that will not inherit the kingdom of heaven as you sit atop your human high fluten throne. Oh my I said a curse word! Dumb ass! The only God you all worship is the human one that tells you how to have a relationship with God. As for women and God if your man cheats or is verbally abusive to a divorce extent you women who stay with that trash are the women who enable men to stay assholes and treat us like crap. Same goes for men who allow women to do the same to them. It is a vicious cycle when if everyone just said enough humans would start to act accordingly. Shame on you enablers. You can still forgive while your walking your ass out the door. Get real humans you have distorted my father and look at the us now! Thanks a lot! Oh and if you think he is not an angry God and will eventually get fed up with your drama and antics and fake ass concern for humans and his world, you wait and see! Noah did! Misconceptions of a Godly woman! My point exactly! It is always about humans isn’t it! It should be misconceptions of God! You humans have only so much time before he is totally fed up with your fake devotion to him. It’s not about pastors who should not even be on a pue or band members up there flaunting there music pretending its nothing about them. If it is nothing about yourselves and all about God! I challenge the pastors and band members to sit among the people and give testimony only and make CDs not have idol mind set. Don’t play on the stage for weak people to worship you instead of God. Pastors become people and open a place that has all giving testimony instead of telling one another how one must believe in God! Blasphemy! Go read your bible yourself take it as a word to you from God directly from him not some human! If you don’t understand some yet then wait it is not time read it later when God needs you to understand and your husband or wife get angry because you don’t believe it the way they do then you know they don’t care about God they are freaking our because they are losing power over you! Power is what satin wants and you humans all of you want control and power and recognition for everything! You will see….
LikeLike
http://www.openbible.info/topics/swear_words
LikeLike
Satin? I’m not sure a fabric has any opinions on the matter 🙂
LikeLike
Well said….you are so right..
LikeLike
Amen! My thoughts exactly. Cursing is not exceptable. I liked the story until that point.
LikeLike
You mean acceptable, you twit.
LikeLike
PaLeese!! That description of her crockpot makes her REAL. Christian women are not so “goody two shoes” that they cannot use the D word (especially to describe an inanimate appliance). I disagree with you on this one.
LikeLike
Shut up
LikeLike
You consider “damn” to be a swear word. You have to be kidding! I
LikeLike
I agree with Sawyer!! There was no reason to add profanity. Yes your passionate about the message, but mixing the truth of the gospel with something that is profane is not okay. You can’t say “let be real” or we are all “normal” people, to give an excuse to curse. The reality of it is the Word of God says, that we should be separate from this world and that we should represent Christ in everything that we do. As Christians anyway. If you’re not professing Christ that is a different story.
LikeLike
Keep up the good work, Krista.
LikeLike
Since we are all so busy pointing the finger, isn’t there a bible verse that states, “when a brother has offended you go to him in private?” So if we want to argue about being biblical, we should start with that. I think some of you peeps have wrapped yourself in what you think is your Utopia, but this is the real world, like it or not, care or not, you are one day going to see or hear something yourself. I think this woman has a legitimate concern, (though I do not condone swearing.) I do too, I mean just look at society today! the proverbs 31 woman is a joke! You either have your weird ‘lets go hide in the mountains and spin our own cloth’ kind of people or the ‘courting is like so old fashioned, like get up with the times’ kind of people. (sorry if I step on toes) There are precious few who actually could ever fit the bill in a SMALL way. I think some of us need to pull our big kid pants on, be the adults we think we are and you know what? Actually take the time to appreciate the gems that krista is serving you on a silver tray (though there may be one spot or tarnish on it)
Keep writing Krista!
LikeLike
That’s a good response…. there is a balance. And there are times in my marriage where being calm around 5:30pm with a darn crockpot meal ready is the best thing I can do for my marriage 🙂
LikeLike
*slow clap*
Where can I sign my daughter up for this class?
Seriously though, thank you for saying it. The church spends (for good reasons) a lot of time discussing the ways men have fumbled their God-given roles, but much less energy is spent encouraging women to be strong. Home Ec. won’t cut it any more, with so much piling up against modern Christian families. Bravo.
LikeLike
This is beautiful, thank you for expressing what so many of us need to hear.
LikeLike
It is usually because of our own inadequacy that we turn bitter eyes and ears towards our sisters who have been given strength and joy from the Lord for a day, and are able to rejoice for it. We are challenged in God’s Word to “rejoice always” and to “Build each other up.”
If you can’t rejoice with those who are, I believe that you lost sight of your anchor and instead are holding tight to jealousy and self-pity. These will only cause your life, friendships, and marriage to capsize.
Consider the ant my dear, not only does she keep the crock pot going even in the tough times, she keeps her eyes on what she must do, and not on what the other ants are doing… Just a thought.
Crisis, illness, tragedy and death are a result of our own sin, it is our fault. Only because of Christ’s sacrifice, have we any reason to hope and live in joy. Please don’t begrudge another’s joy in their meager accomplishments, rather taste the stew in their crockpot and exclaim with joy the truth, that it is the best ever and you would like the recipe. Not only will this help you make or even keep a friend, but it will delight your tired husband when you finally decide to dust off your own crockpot. Ultimately it reflects the Love of the Lord.
As for your college class…concider how much time and effort was taken to prepare and teach you some practical skills that can bring others joy. Instead of gleaning every bit you could, wondering how the Lord might use this info in your future service for Him, you chose instead to have a sour, hurtful attitude and not participate. You chose to discourage those that were serving you rather than building them up…therefore the Holy Spirit couldn’t work….
LikeLike
Nooooo…..she’s not bitter, or jealous, or anything of the sort. She’s bristling at a false-gospel. It is outright heretical to claim that works such as these define “godliness” for anyone, especially for an entire gender. God doesn’t sit over us with a checklist from “Fascinating Womanhood” to determine our level of godliness. Now, if YOU want to turn on your crockpot, be our guest!!! But when you start telling every other woman that it’s her Christian duty to do so, you become a modern-day Judiazer, a false-prophet, and it would be the duty of each one of to say, “If this is a requirement, then Christ died for nothing!”
LikeLike
I don’t believe this is just a female issue either. I am tired of being told how strong and “manly” I am supposed to behave as a “Godly” man by a chiseled 2.4 family guy taking a break from leading an expedition to climb a glacier in between running a church outreach program for forgotten puppies whilst his modelling contract is on hold so he can finish his Astrophysics PhD. I have no desire to lead, I am an encourager, I am sensitive, I find pleasure in the simple things, the small things… I am tired of basically being fed a souped up prosperity gospel that says that my true calling by God is to be a hugely successful XYZ and live life at the edge. I’m a nurse. Frankly, I would challenge any of these “macho” guys to have a go at doing my job, I could do with a laugh :).
LikeLike
Godliness is defined the same for both male and female–matching our character with that of God. Roles are generally defined by society, including Christian society, and may or may not be in tune with godliness. God’s expectations are clear in Scripture, but unfortunately, too many expectations that we hear are determined by things–or people–other than Scripture.
LikeLike
We all fall short of Christ’s example and expectations for us, but that does not excuse any of us to ignore certain passages from the Bible because they are to hard or perhaps don’t represent a modern take on a woman’s role in society. If that’s the case then all of the Old Testament could be considered irrelevant and outdated. So either we must all do exactly what is expected of us in the Bible, or we use the Bible as a moral guide and make logical updates to how it applies to modern society and our own individual roles.
No marriage if flawless. No relationship is without a fight. Instead of dwelling on the words of the Bible written thousands of years ago, perhaps try to understand the character of Christ and life a life that reflects Him. Much of the Bible is outdated and you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t think so. The problem with most churches is they preach “Cookie Cutter Christian” values which have been interpreted, changed and passed down through the generations. The focus is on finger-pointing those sinning and not about the mission of Christ.
A woman should be strong, but she will fail
A man should lead, but will also fail.
We all need to realize that none of us are perfect, none of us should compare ourselves to other women/men, but instead to Christ and humble ourselves knowing we all will party in Heaven if we follow the lead of Christ and just love.
LikeLike
John M., Thank you So a Much!!! You’re so Correct and if we actually look at ourselves from the perspective you just pointed out as how we truly should and focus in Christ alone… We can focus on a more positive conception on how we should be in Life and what’s the Most Important while we are living on Our Temporary Earth… 😇 were not perfect and God made us each different for his Glory!!!
LikeLike
I have so much to say about this post but I will simply say “thank you” for as I sit here in my robe at 2 in the afternoon after a long night of ups and downs while taking care of my husbands mother, I needed to hear how strong I am and believe it. Thank you again.
LikeLike
You are strong. You are strong. You are strong.
LikeLike
Your voice carries across all the noise to me. You are strong!
LikeLike
Okay, THANK YOU for Our Class session today reminding how God is in Control and as long as we put Our problems in his Hands, Faithfully, Believing wholeheartedly… He will and can do the Impossible in Our a Hearts!!! I needed this today and OUR PRECIOUS LORD CONTINUES TO SPEAK TO ME!!! Thank you Sweet Lord and Krista!!!!
LikeLike
Thank you so much for this. While reading your post, I honestly thought I was reliving all of the recent events in my marriage. The past year of our marriage has been nothing short of, dare I say it, hell. But every time I pull up my bootstraps to move on, God pulls me back & tells me I can stand the pressure. As a pastor’s wife, there are no classes that can prepare you for nosey church members, demanding women’s groups, & women just longing for a pastor to talk to about their deepest secrets. There are no classes that can tell you to never confide in a church member because they could turn on you in a minute. There are no classes to teach you how to effectively prioritize marriage, family, and church. Through these tough times, though, I realized I have one thing I thought I lacked: strength. I am strong because of my circumstances. As my husband suffers through depression over resigning from a ministry he loved, I have to be strong & faithful when it’s almost impossible for him. Again, thank you for not only speaking to me, but speaking from your heart.
LikeLike
As a recovering preacher’s kid (I deal with “stuff” by using humor), I am going to pray for you, Erin. I know what it is like to live with the man who carries the weight of a congregation on his shoulders. My father had a lot of trouble prioritizing US over the church because it was hard to separate church from God. It caused a lot of conflict that didn’t resolve or get better until I was old enough to talk about where I was, how I felt and where I’d come from. Thankfully, my dad listened and became a better husband and father – making him a better preacher.
I pray that your husband’s depression resolves (even if that means counseling and medication on top of spiritual healing)… I pray that you will be strong and faithful and a light for him in his darkness and that Satan will LEAVE YOU ALONE while you do that.
LikeLike
Erin! Thank you so so much for sharing your story. You totally got the message of my post, and your story resonated with me in much of the same way! Thanks for reaching out. It is such an encouragement knowing that we are not alone in those same feelings of loneliness and marital dilemmas! 🙂 Thanks again!
LikeLike
extremely alienating for unmarried women. to the single woman (or this one anyway) these thoughts come across in the same way that those facebook posts (i just fed the homeless, baked 6 loaves of banana bread, saved a cat, etc etc) come across to you.
LikeLike
Just intrigued… how was this alienating? I didn’t feel that she was banging her chest about her strength. I felt that she was trying to encourage women (yes, mostly married because the woman in Prov 31 is married) who are trying to live up to a nearly impossibly standard of perfection. How did it come across to you?
LikeLike
smug.
LikeLike
Keep talking!
LikeLike
I would say I agree with a good bit of what you said, especially about finding our strength in Christ. And I agree that your class should not have been called “Christian Womanhood”, but “Home Economics” or something like that instead so you would have known not to take it.
However, I would like to ask you to be very careful. When you say things like, “The Proverbs 31 woman is a lot of things; domestic and lovely, successful, and well respected. But most repeated, she is STRONG! Not anything like the passive and weak woman we are so often encouraged to be. She has no fear of winter – the difficult times to come – and is most definitely not limited to planning weddings and using crockpots!” you end up falling into the trap of anti-Christian feminism. Now, I am NOT saying that women shouldn’t be strong. We absolutely should. But you have made a false dichotomy by saying that, when we’re planning weddings and using crockpots, we’re not being strong. And you very clearly used the terms “limited to”. Be careful about that. You just insulted every woman who enjoys those things, and who, by the way, works very hard in doing/using them, and who sees those things as her humble service (Christ-like – isn’t that “strong” enough?) to the Lord, her husband (if she has one), and others. You may not have meant it this way, but you sound like you’re saying that domestic work is not beautiful to the Lord, that it’s not a service to Him, that it doesn’t please Him. But I would say that ALL the work Christians do, whether in “official” ministry or not, is worship, and therefore, good and STRONG.
I like G.K. Chesterton on this:
“If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home,…but if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets cakes, and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute.”
So, please, out of love for your Christian sisters, who DO find their strength in Christ, and who take their callings very seriously, please do not use terms like “limited to”, “passive”, and “weak” in reference to those things. You are fighting the enemy’s battle for him when you do – dividing the Church and further alienating women who already are hated by the world’s feminists. They don’t need it coming from inside the Church, too.
And just to be clear, I’m not elevating homemaking over other callings, nor am I saying that ALL women need to be planning weddings and using crockpots – no, each woman’s godliness is worked out in different ways (but it IS worked out; godliness is not just spiritualized, non-tangible “heart work”). All I’m saying is those things CAN be used to worship Christ in our daily lives and make us stronger in Him as we daily, humbly serve.
LikeLike
You summed up my heart as well SDG! Grace upon grace :-). Whatever we do, let us do it heartily, as for the Lord and not for others (Col. 3:23).
LikeLike
Amen SoliDeoGloria! Perfect take on this, and graciously strong response. I’ve been shot down multiple times for pointing exactly this out on Facebook in terms of this post. Really, the only thing more disheartening than a feminist is a Christian feminist. But God is the Lifter of our head 🙂
LikeLike
Woah woah woah. Let’s take a second to consider that feminism is not necessarily a bad thing. Christian feminists, as far as I’m concerned, do not believe they are better than men or that women shouldn’t be domestic. Christian feminist see, in the Bible, evidence that women are not here as a punching bag, a welcome mat at the front door, or a wall that you can hurl words at without a concern for their impact. They see that the Bible shows that we each have a purpose here. They simply recognize exactly what you, I presume, recognize. That women have options and choices. God will lead you to where you will be most productive for him, and our goal is to follow. Hopefully we will follow without being distracted by cultural limitations. The pendulum was, in the past, of the belief that women BELONG in the home only, do not have the potential to have careers and take care of their children at the same time, and as a previous poster mentioned, don’t have the intellect to understand the stress their husband deals with at work. The pendulum is swinging the other way these days claiming that women cant POSSIBLY be doing good work by remaining at home, that we all have to make 80k a year, be a size 4, amazing in bed, and the most fantastic mother and cook in the world. I think both extremes are damaging and detrimental. Christian feminism embraces the idea that we each have our own individual path that God has chosen for us, and in pursuit of Him, we follow that path. It embraces the idea that cultural “norms” need to be questioned; they need to be ignored in pursuit of Gods plan for you.
LikeLike
Yes…I couldn’t agree with you more! I posted a similar comment, but not as beautifully! I think I will end this blog on your note as I am finding the reading of comments discouraging at best.
LikeLike
Thanks for this post. I think so many of us are trying to live up to perfection while serving God and end up feeling defeated. I agree with one of the comments before mine, that we all need to be living a life that emulates Jesus, but we have the Old Testament for a reason and I’ve always loved that scripture. My grandmother was one of “those” ladies – the ones that seem to be able to meet all those expectations beautifully, but when you ask her about it she talks about what was sacrificed, what was prioritized, and that through all she did, she made sure that God was glorified. I’m on my second marriage and still feel like quitting some days, but God is merciful and knows our limitations. I still strive to “be” that Prov 31 Woman, but I also don’t beat myself up if I fall short. And I’ve always loved how STRONG the Bible makes her to be… I just wish more people read it that way.
LikeLike
Thank you Evelyn for reaching out and sharing some of your story. I appreciate your perspective!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Country Girl In the Big City.
LikeLike
Is that what you think you are? Strong? Being married to a man who has hurt you yet you choose to stay, being married to a man who doesn’t support you enough for you to be able to express your true emotions? I don’t believe that’s strong, if anything I’d say you are a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s not a partnership when you are the person suffering, and to do all of that in the name of God – I really feel for you.
LikeLike
This comment is what’s emotionally abusive, Kimberley. My jaw dropped open at the cruelty of it. What could possibly be the purpose of saying to another woman, who is finding her own strength, in her own situation, in her own way, “Is that what you think you are? Strong?” You are saying: no, you are not expansive and powerful and capable as a woman, you are small and victimized and weak. That is your voice. I hope you feel good about the way you’re using your voice.
There is not one marriage in the world that doesn’t consist of two imperfect people who have hurt each other in some way or another but choose to forgive, to love, to stay. I don’t think the “don’t cry” incident had to do with not “supporting” his wife–it had to do with not handling his own grief at two deaths very well, and not being able to deal with his wife’s grief along with his own. Hurtful, yes. Emotionally abusive, no.
I “really feel for you,” too, and the difficulty of your mission to diminish other women’s strength.
LikeLike
I agree with Kimberley. My concern is that this kind of article encourages women to stay in abusive relationships. It’s actually really scary.
LikeLike
There is a HUGE difference between an abusive relationship and one that involves two very imperfect people. My husband is, literally, one of the nicest people on the planet. He would never even DREAM of being abusive, but that doesn’t mean he has never been inconsiderate. There have been times (and still are times) in our marriage where he’s reached his limit and I need to be there for him (and vice versa). There are times, as she mentioned in her article, where my husband and I have had yelling matches. They occurred mostly at the beginning of the marriage when we were still trying to figure everything out. We were so passionate about making the perfect marriage, and we got so caught up in our version of the perfect marriage, that we fought hard to make each other fit that mold. We are slowly learning that its not about having the perfect marriage, but of pursuing what God wants for our marriage, that we fight less. We still argue, but we FIGHT very rarely. That kind of “figuring it out” does not mean he was emotionally/physically abusive. In fact, I was part of the yelling matches too…. I was inconsiderate at times, too…. It means we are both imperfect and sticking it out was something I’m glad I did. Him and I both showed immense perseverance in not giving up early on in our marriage, and I’m thankful that God was there through it all. God help us if we, as women, start yelling “abuse” every time a man doesn’t treat us like princesses on little dainty pillows. How about we just simply look them in the eye and say “that’s enough. I love you, but that’s enough”. I’d rather be THAT person than someone who ditches a marriage because he’s going through a phase. Hitting or emotional abuse is another issue altogether, and it fills me with heartbreak (and rage) that some women out there stay in those relationships thinking they “deserve” it.
LikeLike
Wow! Just wow!
Thank you for allowing yourself to be open ad vulnerable to whatever reaponse the public would give! I greatly appreciate this post!! Thank you
LikeLike
You made some great points. Then you shut me down like someone was telling me I can only read from the KJV by your adjective to describe the crockpot. Just unnecessary (my opinion…no ill-will…disappointed in the word choice when describing a strong, godly woman).
LikeLike
***You made some great points. Then you shut me down like someone was telling me I can only read from the KJV by your adjective to describe the crockpot. Just unnecessary (my opinion…no ill-will…disappointed in the word choice when describing a strong, godly woman).
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing this!! Love hearing the truth!!
LikeLike
That was powerful. I feel the same way. Thank you for speaking your mind and sharing your heart. HUGS.
LikeLike
this was just outstanding! thank you so much for writing this!
and… wow! how did you last thru that class?
LikeLike
Did I miss something about domestic abuse in this post? She talked about her husband hurting her, but why do people assume this means more then emotional hurt????
LikeLike
Thank you Krista for this!!!!!!!
LikeLike
This is brilliant. Mind blowingly brilliant.
LikeLike
Man, way to lay it all down sister! I appreciate your candid, simple and passionate words. Keep on doing what you’re doing….sharing the truth. God bless you and your family.
LikeLike
I love you! I was born in the 1950’s, took Home Economics in high school, and was never asked what I wanted to be when I grew up because it was ASSUMED that I would be a wife and a mother! Well, I did become a wife – FOUR TIMES! I have 2 children who are now adults that I raised without their fathers involvement, physically or financially. With God’s help, I overcame addiction, abusive relationships, and other hardships. I AM STRONG but more importantly, I AM LOVED BY GOD!!
LikeLike
Sarah,
awesome comment. I like that. Ppl don’t want the whole word of God, just the ones they can use that fits their life style.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing this! Love it. Comments section: Instead of bickering, please, choose to love one another. Anything that takes your eyes off of Jesus and his love for you, is just a distraction from His goodness. Don’t take the bait. 🙂 the point of the article is to find your strength and fulfillment in Him, instead of to-do lists and standards/expectations put forth by the world. All we need is to see Him and who we are in Him, the rest of it will all be worked out. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you so much for this !!! I am struggling in the worst way with my marriage and as a Christian woman I want Christian advice on it but it seems everywhere I turn it seems like my particular problems aren’t addressable and I am (as a Godly woman) suppose to suck it up !! I do not believe God wants this !! Will be following your blog
LikeLike
I’m not offended but I didn’t like the article and I am not sorry about that either.
Why as women do we find it such a personal offence when another woman has a great and productive day and posts about it to FB? Instead of making it about ourselves with feelings of inadequacy, can’t we be happy for each other? It’s not competition and we should spend more time encouraging and building one another up instead of hating on each other for perceptions of ‘overachievement’. It’s not always a facade – sometimes we have to acknowledge our big achievements to get through the days we can’t get out of our PJs.
I also find it interesting that you have a problem with women hiding behind strong opinions of vaccines breastfeeding and church politics. We seem to have no problem with men having strong opinions about issues that are important to them, but women can’t? Which is kind of ironic considering this article seems to be a strong opinion about how women do life in general. You are entitled to your opinion, but you are using that opinion to condemn other women for the same thing.
And husbands, no matter who they are, do not have the right to request any emotional reaction from their wives. You are entitled to your own reaction – crying is good and healthy and provides release. It is part of how God made us, yet your husband requested you don’t behave in the way that humans were created. There is nothing weak about crying. It is healthy. His request that you not cry was not only unreasonable, but fits the profile of abuse. I think it is a sad reflection of that when most of the comments go on to discuss women living with verbal and emotional abuse from their husbands. It is really not a healthy message. Women should expect more from their husbands than that.
LikeLike
“here is nothing weak about crying”
Amen.
LikeLike
I’m fortunately enough to teach junior high girls in a Christian School. Every year I teach them that God wants them to be strong, not masculine, but strong women. I love your post!
LikeLike
I have to say something because this is incredibly irresponsible advice to give to people. I’m wondering if you know anything about psychology with the suggestions that you have offered for how to deal with tragedies? The worst thing one can do when dealing with issues is to not allow themselves to feel the emotions that they need to feel. This would include your advice on worshipping god instead of crying. Suppression of emotion only leads to deeper problems. Distracting oneself from dealing with the problem by singing songs of praise, praying, or thinking of what you should be thankful for instead, is only deflecting the issue. It is not offering real world solutions to the problem. It is very troubling to me that this is advice that other people are actually thanking you for and taking to heart. Our society continually pushes the myth that a lack of emotion represents strength. This is a trope we see over and over in Hollywood, news, and any other form of media as well as real life. This stems from sexism. In our culture, it is thought that to show emotion is feminine. However, there is not evidence to prove that showing emotion is a trait possessed by females. In our society, being masculine is seen as the ultimate goal. Males are seen as superior. So to cry, or express any sort of emotion would be inferior, feminine. I’d like to instead suggest that anyone that wants to cry, or feels depressed, confused, numb, etc should allow themselves to fully feel this way. It is a part of being human. Life is not always good and when tragedies and tough times occur, we should be allowed to fully experience this. Talking to a licensed therapist can also be beneficial. We should instead look to science which offers us proven facts on how we should deal with tragedy rather than reverting to blog posts and ancient books.
LikeLike
Unfortunately science can no more explain emotions and how to deal with them then it can explain where the world came from.
LikeLike
Well done Krista, I commend your honesty and courage. Pity so many of our brothers and sisters are focussed on rules rather than peoples pain and struggle. (I had the read the article 3 times to realise what ‘word’ they were even talking about). Its honesty like this that truly enables us to connect with others in the world, and is so sadly lacking in our Church family.Good on you.
LikeLike
Yep.
LikeLike
Proverbs 31 woman is real, can be real, will be real in the hearts of the righteous woman! Some women are not even Christian live up to this list most women complain about everyday.. A Proverbs 31 woman lived her life and accomplished her ways through seasons and help of others while she encouraged them.. Get it together people.. All women should be praying to be her
LikeLike
Sounds like the author has an aweful attitute. My wife is equal to me in everyway, however if we have the same skillsets how can we improve the quality of eachothers lives? I have never understood master of the home to be an insult.
LikeLike
This was a wonderful article.. but I have to say, the cuss word you threw in there near the end surprised me, and not in a good way.
LikeLike
P.S. not trying to be overly critical, I just felt it was unnecessary and took away from the other very inspiring things you said.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing this!
From a man’s perspective!
if only my wife would read and learn from it… shigh…
I feel sometimes the world isn’t fair. Good men get weak women, and strong women get dumped by bad men.
LikeLike
I totally understand this article. Walked the walk and talked the talk for 30 years! My husband abandoned our marriage and I wondered for 4 years now what God had in mind after I had gone through so much. He was strengthening me for the fight ahead on my own.
LikeLike
I agree – I am a Christian woman married to a Christian man and have been verbally abused for over 20 + years. It is hard to admit it – I stayed silent as I often felt it was a failure of mine and I was embarrassed. It is not always as simple as being a good, hard working, praying woman who dedicates all to God and family. In my case the harder I tried to be the Proverbs 31 woman, the more my husband resented me for it. He left seven weeks ago – never have had the peace in our home before. Divorce is wrong, but so is the way my kids and I were treated. Sometimes I feel very alone in the sense that there is little support for those of us who have been in prayer and done the right thing. A loveless, lonely and abusive marriage can not always be solved by an obedient wife.
LikeLike
danakoch-I am praying for you and with you.
LikeLike
Wonderfully said!
LikeLike
Wow!! Truly an amazing article, beautiful and true take on the Godly Women
LikeLike
Wow! Your article speaks such truth and I couldn’t agree more! Thankyou for writing with such frank honesty, I love that!
LikeLike
Fantastic piece, really great. Watching many relationships, including my own, go down the toilet has made me realise how little education there is, especially for men, around what a woman wants and needs from her partner and what their roles really are together. I don’t think in the main that the church is doing enough to address this, or society in general for that matter.
Great to see you sharing this vital stuff
LikeLike