I was shaken abruptly from my slumber. Just as quickly, the ‘seatbelt sign’ dinged on and the stewardess postponed drink orders while the pilot made apologies in advanced for the bumps that lay ahead.
The woman next to me took a deep breath and tightly grasped the arm rest, I could almost hear her thoughts…
… Please Lord, I want to get married! …don’t take me now God! I want to have children!…
I smiled to myself, closed my eyes, and eased into the comfort of my seat. Not because I hadn’t felt the same way before, but because oh, how effective a little turbulence is at weighing the status of our lives.
And while my flight was nearly being jostled into oblivion, I realized…
I just don’t give a damn.
Take me now Lord Jesus!
You see, for the last two weeks that I have been MIA since writing ‘This Weary Heart of Mine,” I have started (and given up on) over 6 self-help books. I have also avoided exactly 11 phone calls, and avoided nearly the equivalent in panic attacks.
I have cried myself to sleep, raised my voice in a restaurant (Once again!) and have used my ‘labor breathing techniques’ to physically resist the urge to punch someone in the face.
I am numb, I am heartbroken, and I deeply regret the two strong margaritas that unfortunately did little more than give me a headache and give my husband a piece of my mind (further explaining the said “raised voice in a restaurant”)
And the truth is, I am in a dark place.
So dark even, that in my insecurity I have wondered if I am too far out of God’s reach. If it’s even humanly possible to be as small as I feel, and if because of it, the Lord is unable to see me in my desperation. If this pain, caused by the hands of another, is the final blow that will have me ushered out of the ring never to return the same again…
But then I remember you, our beloved readers. Those of you all over the world, that have shared with us your stories, your heartbreak, and expressed your deepest yearning for miraculous healing over your most secret struggles.
I know if there was a base you could run to where you would finally be “safe,” that though you are terribly exhausted and out of breath, you would get there as fast as you possibly could!
If there was a debt you could pay to make it all disappear, I know you would pay it no matter the cost!
Even if it meant you’d be given only the smallest of guarantees, I know it would be enough for you to hang in there just a little longer…
But alas! It is out of your hands, and out of your control. You are up against a wall, in over you head, and with such dire circumstances looming that you aren’t sure how – or if – you will ever make it through.
I am with you…
Heartbroken,
hopeless,
and mad as hell!
… And I need Jesus more than ever.
And after two long weeks I am ready to put down the ‘Ben and Jerry’s’… and write. What exactly? I am not sure.
But with vulnerability as my voice, and God as my strength I will see this storm through.
I will fight to remind myself that even when I feel so far from God, that He is NEAR to my broken heart. (Psalm 34:18)
That when it seems my greatest plans have derailed and cliff dived into a horrific nightmare, that His – even greater plans for me – are PERFECT (Psalm 18:30)
That when my troubles are mounting, my life is crumbling, and there seems to be no hope in sight, that My God will not only meet me there in the shambles, but will OVERCOME the impossible! (John 16:33)
Dear weary readers,
There is no denying the very real war that is being waged over our souls! And yet, there also is no denying the strength of the God we serve!
I love how Perry Noble puts it when he says, “…He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God, so NEVER give up! He’s about to blow your flippin’ mind!”
All that to say, may the Lord “Blow our flipping’ minds!” … ideally, before we lose them! 🙂
***And in the case that you can’t get past the fact that I cursed…
Feel free to check back here the moment the turbulence doesn’t faze you…
We will get along much better then! 😉
Krista Ortiz 
Ahhh!…thank you for being real. God is never “not at work”…may He accomplish all He needs to during this time and bring you to the next level of His plan…
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Thanks Laura, you are so right! Though we may not be able to see what he is up to, God is orchestrating something wonderful on our behalf. Thanks for reaching out!
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Thank You for your words…. I will be in prayerful agreement with you, God is in control.
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Thank you for reading and praying alongside me Marlene! Praying God reveals himself to you also!
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Thank you! I’ve been in a dark place also. I’ve been diagnosed with Celiac’s disease, which meant no gluten, then a severe hidden corn allergy has emerged. I’ve had daily allergic reactions ranging from hives to anaphylaxis. Medications I once could take like Tylenol and benadryl now require a script and special compounding pharmacy, so no corn starch or corn derivatives are used. For 100 benadryl it’s $45.00, I use to pay $4.00 at Wal-Mart. My diet as of now consists of chicken, apples, potatoes and tap water. I’m desperate for a breakthrough, wisdom and healing.
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I am Praying with you for that breakthrough Faith!
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OH sister! I love your transparency. Who hasn’t been there? Those two margaritas are always headache-inducing! 😉 Looking forward to reading what He does next in your life!
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hahaha! Thank you Kelsey! 🙂
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Never forget that your willingness to be so open and transparent with your life is God’s work in the lives of people (me). I’m so refreshed by your honesty and excited to see what God does next. Standing with you until your steady once more.
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Thank you Sylvia! Transparency is a funny thing isn’t it? It kind of makes me want to throw up… haha! I SO very appreciate your encouragement!
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As you have given me much encouragement the brief time I’ve been a reader, I now lift you up in prayer during this difficult time. Sometimes when I am struggling, feel as if I’m on a ship being furiously beaten by waves in a great storm, it takes all my strength to just cling to the mast. Sometimes in the storms we face, that’s all we can do, cling the mast, the mast being the promises and love of God for us. May you be granted strength and peace during this difficult time.
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Oh Debra, I am so thankful for your prayers and for your encouragement. That is EXACTLY how I feel. You hit the nail on the head! I know that God will meet me there, “clinging to the mast” …He always does, doesn’t he? 🙂 Thanks again for reaching out!
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Ahhhhh, thank you for your transparency, Krista! How I appreciate it and my heart echoes a resounding YES!!!! I am clinging to the promises of God through this period of my life knowing that God will redeem for His splendor…and He will blow my flippin’ mind in the process!
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He will Deanna!!! And I hope to hear all about it when He does! 🙂
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It’s hard now, but find hope in what you’re facing and how you will overcome through our Overcomer! It’s in the trials, the struggles, the fear and pain that we are refined – we come out better than ever. The process is so gut-wrenchingly painful but the result so rewarding and absolutely worth it. And know that you are not alone.
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you are SOOOO right Stephanie! Thanks for reaching out! 🙂
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Oh Krista, I can relate to everything you write. I will have you in my prayers, I’m sure God is doing something beautiful out of all this 🙂 thanks for writing and sharing your heart with us , it makes me feel I’m not alone ❤
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Citlali, one thing I know for sure is you are NOT alone! Thanks for having the courage to reach out! I will have you in my prayers also! 🙂
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Be ENCOURAGED! I so appreciate your voice and find myself waiting on the edge of my seat for your next post. I’ve been able to share your various posts with friends who are “going through.” I always receive the same, “thank God,” “this was RIGHT on time” response. Your battle, journey, trials — are not your own. There is a greater work being done in and through you. May the Holy Spirit continue to guide you, word your mouth, order your steps, and COMFORT you through this time. And through it all, continue to share your testimony 😉
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Tiffany, I wish I could adequately describe how much your encouragement means to me. Days like today it feels nearly impossible to push ‘publish’ and i feel overwhelmed with all the reasons why I should not keep writing…. my life isn’t “pretty enough”…. I curse…. I drink margaritas… and I am in a dark place… God surely, couldn’t use ME?!? But you are proof that (somehow…in some way…) He does. So thanks for that reminder! 🙂 I will be praying God blows your mind in the coming weeks also!
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Krista, I can understand completely and it’s funny how God moves in the moments of our desperation, when it all seems darkest. I just want to encourage you because things will change. It won’t be this way forever. Two weeks ago I was doing a Beth Moore study on the Psalms of assent and I couldn’t even get through the first Psalm in the study, Psalm 120. I was supposed to write out in my own words what that Psalm meant to me but I couldn’t because I was so angry at God. All I wanted to write was ‘God you suck!’ You see, what’s going on at my house is I have a stalker living next door who spys on me and my kids every time we walk out of house. Plus, the man has purposely gotten roosters to torment me. He even decapitated one once and hung it just outside of my yard. So when I was reading that Psalm and it was talking about living among Meshek and the tents of Kedar, when I am for peace, but they only want war! I understood the Psalmist’s sentiment and I was crying out to God for him to do something! And as I sat outside in my gazebo crying, my neighbor came outside and was spying on me at that moment! (Thankfully my curtained gazebo hid me from his view so he couldn’t see me cry) As I’m pouring out my heart and anger to God it was like the devil had to drive the point home and I was screaming out in my heart, “God do something!” Well, God did something when my husband came home the next day and told us we were moving, in a totally “backwards” way too! We are leasing a new house so we can finish fixing up ours, so we can hopefully sell it or lease it out, and using our savings to possibly pay two mortgages, so we can get out of Meshek and the tents of Kedar. This caused me to PANIC! Suddenly, God was moving too fast for me and not in the way I wanted Him to. We are supposed to sell our house, find a new one, close on said houses and move in all peaceful like. But that’s not what God told my husband to do. BUT…..in just a few days God provided the new house and God opened the door so we can refinance and not have to pay our mortgage on our current home for the next two months. We move into the new house on Friday. Two weeks ago today, I was crying out for God to do something and the very next day He did, but it was in that moment of desperation where I couldn’t take or endure it all anymore. Now, I’m in this whirlwind of activity, and it seems God is moving so fast I cannot keep up. So keep your head up because pretty soon that whirlwind is coming to move you and change your circumstances.
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Malinda! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing your circumstances and how God showed up for you! That is such an encouragement to me (and to those reading!) Your story is a great reminder that God sees our hurting, and is currently working to do miraculous things in our lives! Thanks for sharing every word. I hope to be able to ‘shout it from the rooftops’ via this blog when my God rescues me…. I know he will! 🙂 Thanks again!
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Krista, I am right where you are!!! It has been this way for some time. I think I’m on the right track, very proud of myself, and then the world caves. I, too, can only hold on and look up! Maybe it’s the despairingly hard winter we have had in the midwest, or maybe it’s because I am in midlife. ALL I CAN CLING TO is the Word of God, alive and active, promising, correcting, adjusting, and guiding me (I’m encouraging myself here). Reminding myself of HIS love and HIS faithfulness. I remember a dear friend of many years who once told me, “When I wonder if I’m too far from God, it’s evidence that I’m NOT.” See, if He’s still on my mind, I’m ALWAYS within reach! I’m praying for you. Your words have reached into some dark places in me and allowed His light to shine. Thank you for reaching beyond yourself. It matters!
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Karen, how comforting it is to know that we are not alone! Thank you for sharing your heart. It means so much to me. God will show himself to us in time… and I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait! 🙂 Thanks again!
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I love you. And you voice. And this whole blog. It is like you are always speaking the things on my own heart. Thank you for all the encouragement.
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Thank you Erin for reading and sharing your thoughts! That means so much to us!
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Krista,
Don’t stop writing- your words not only bless us readers- encouraging us to embrace faith in a very real life, but they are also an act of worship to God. As you pour out your soul, even the very painful and broken parts God receives your sacrifice, your worship.
I will pray that as you continue on THROUGH this storm that God will show you evidence of His presence and give you sustanence to get through it. On the other side is His glory.
Press on sister! We are cheering you!
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Aw, thank you for your prayers. I can feel the cheering!!! 🙂 And I am thankful that God can use my silly words to bring even the smallest amount of encouragement to someone else.
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Thank you. It is nice to find another someone who follows Jesus without having all the answers. I love the raw reality of your words. You are such a blessing.
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if you find someone who has all the answers point them in my direction! I could use some! 🙂 Thanks Kim for reaching out and being an encouragement to me!
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Just read your post and honestly… I was thrown back a bit with the “d” word and two strong margaritas! But I moved past it as I saw your pain. I have no idea what you are going through, only relating because of the storms I’ve been through. There is comfort in knowing that storms come and then… THEY GO… I just read a quote today from one amazing guy, Tigger!… “Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce.” Words don’t always bring comfort, but truth in the words can set us free! Happy Bouncing!
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Thank you Eva for sharing that! And for relating the best that you can to my “rawness” 😉
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Reading your blog always seems to lift my weary spirit and remind me that God is bigger than whatever is going on in my life.
Thankyou
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I am so glad Katie! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
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Thank you for keeping it real and being honest. While I am not presently in such a place right now, I’ve been there many, many times “at the hands of another.” I also know that I can be right back there tomorrow, too. Keep working it out with God, sister. I so wish that we were put on this earth to have all of our own wishes granted, but it has not worked out that way for me or most of the people I know. We have battled alcoholism, pornography, diabetes, chronic asthma, bipolar disorder, depression, panic attacks and heart surgeries as a family and also with some close friends. i got so very down a couple of times that I really didn’t think I would ever get back up again. Things are not the same as before after going through all these things, but honestly, those struggles with those family members is what brought me crawling to the feet of Jesus once and for all. I don’t know if this helps you at all either. I just want to let you know that I can relate, I care, and I am praying earnestly for you right now.
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It actually does help a ton so thank you! There is so much comfort in knowing you are not alone- that others have struggled through the same things, not had there greatest wishes come true, and that God met them there in the mess! Thank you for your willingness to share your story with me, and for caring and praying for me! Seriously, I just feel so blessed by everyone that has reached out! So thank you for being one of them girl! 🙂
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Thank you. I found your blog recently and every post breathes life to me and encourages me. This post especially. I wish I could grab a few margaritas with you and chat. I’m in the struggle at the moment myself waiting for God to show up & heal my broken heart. Thank you for the rawness and honesty and I hope that the fact that your struggle is bringing so many comfort and encouragement would also encourage you.
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thank you Sarah for the reminder! You are right, that IS such an amazing encouragement to me! I am praying for God to show up in your life also, and that He would restore your heart! Thanks a ton for reaching out to me! 🙂
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There is not much I can say that others have not. I know what it is like to be completely crushed in spirit. To be hiding in my closet with the lights off rocking myself for comfort and telling God, ” NO!” ( Yes, that literally happened,,,,,more than once) because what I was going through was far more than I could handle. Or so I thought. I questioned God, begged God, yelled at God, accused God, pleaded with God. My self esteem was in the trash thanks to the “hands of another”. The enemy did not miss the tremendous opportunity to come in and fill my head with so much sorrow and doubt that all I could do was cry like I have never cried before. I don’t wish that on anyone, and I will tell you that I am so much stronger because of that time. I have learned what real love and forgiveness are. I have learned what restoration feels like. I have felt the warmth of a new days Sun and I can tell you that it never felt so sweet and comforting as it did when I went THROUGH my storm and came out victorious. I don’t mean victorious because it all went away and like magic I was better. I mean victorious because when the enemy tried harder than he had ever tried to ruin my family, my life, my love for God, he FAILED. God stepped in and I was victorious because it did not take me under. I did not stay in that dark place of despair. I am forever changed. It won’t be my last storm, I know that. We will never be that lucky while we are digging our feet in the dirt we call Earth and still sucking air. But God is faithful to remind me that eternity is MINE. It is permanent and it is beyond good. That my storms will come and go but God’s promise to me is FOREVER. Thank you Jesus. I pray that God will go to the deepest place of your heart ( you know, the place where you feel all the tearing and blood leaking out. Yep, thats the place ) and speak his soothing balm over your wounds and remind you that victory is YOURS because Jesus loves you so much.
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Kristin, I apologize for not responding sooner but YOUR WORDS… oh man! Everything you wrote was just exactly what I needed to be reminded of last week. If I could put it on my fridge I would! 🙂 I can’t say thank you enough for your willingness to share your pain and how God kicked butt to get you through it! God truly used your words to bring comfort to my heart, so thank you!
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Wow, Krista. I am so glad to hear that this word has helped you. That is what life is about! I know sharing is hard. I never thought I would EVER talk about the things I persevered through last year. I wanted it to go away and never come back. I wanted to go away and NEVER come back!! But there is victory in standing still, strong and sure under God’s wing and staring the enemy in the face and saying, “Christ has already won me, you lose!”. God has had to remind me of two things.
#1: Who my enemy is and who he is NOT:
My enemy is NOT my spouse ( although there have been serious days I have doubted that fact ), my enemy is NOT my friends, NOT my children, NOT my parents, NOT the cashier at Wal-Mart who is rude to me on a day when I feel like if one more thing goes wrong I am literally going to lock myself in my closet and NEVER come out and not care in the least bit if I starved to death. ( Yep, that was a real thought too! ). God reminded me that my enemy IS ANCIENT. Yes, ancient. He knows more than what I could imagine. He is the author, master, and wielder of deception and pain. There is no one better than Satan when it comes to knowing exactly how to destroy my heart, my life, my soul. He has watched me and you since they day we were born and he knows what will hurt the most. He will use my husbands human-ness and fleshly sinful nature to destroy my heart, He will use my children’s rebellious spirit to talk back and disobey on a day when I am truly overwhelmed just with the task of breathing, He will use my good intentioned parents to call to offer “advice” on a day when all I hear is criticism. And even though all that is very true, God needed to show me a different angle to who my enemy is NOT. He is NOT the teller of my truth, he is NOT the author of my life, he is NOT the one who decides my victory! He is NOT my creator, and he is NOT the lover of my soul. But there is ONE WHO IS!! Praise God. Satan is a killer. A killer of dreams, hopes, plans, love, spirits and souls. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE WINS!!! He only wins Krista if we let him. And by that I mean that we MUST remember who our SAVIOR is. God is mighty to save. We must CHOOSE to stand firm on God’s promises even when we feel the earth give way under our feet and the excruciating pain of our heart shriveling up in our chest. We must CHOOSE to believe God is who he says he is and that he is faithful to us and that HE IS IN CHARGE. He created all things and that includes Satan. I thank God for that fact because that means that he really is sovureign over all things.
#2: Women are precious and wonderfully made:
This is just as important as the last truth God wanted to show me. Since the beginning Satan has seen a woman’s worth and beauty. He has seen that God took his time when he chose to create Eve and all of her daughters. God put much thought, time, care, love and wonder into the creation of you and me. WE ( you and me!! ) literally are the sparkle in our Creator’s eyes. We are the curve in his smile, the skip of his heart beat, the passion in his loving nature. God holds you and me in his hands with gentle care because HE KNOWS we are worth more than the finest jewels his hands have ever created. This angers our enemy. Satan has been lying to women since the beginning. As soon as Satan saw the wonder that God made in a woman he knew he had to take us out. We are powerful because God created us to be so! Satan has spent every waking moment of my life trying with ferver to drown me in sorrow and pain. To point out with a magnifier every stretch mark, every wrinkle, every bruise, every stain. And I don’t just mean on my physical self ( although there is plenty of that to be seen and he likes to remind me daily ). No, he also reminds me of every flaw of my heart. Every painful stretch mark that spans my heart and proves of the times I have wondered too far and been stretched by the pain of wrong decisions ( mine and others ) and although God was faithful to me to cover me and bring me back, I did not escape untouched, unstretched, unblemished. Satan’s sole mission is to convince us as women that we deserve pain, that no one will truly love us, that we don’t deserve FAITHFULNESS, that we don’t deserve true friendship, that we are not beautiful and desireable. IF can convince us that our struggles are our own, that God is not for us and ready and able and WILLING to help, if he can convince us that we are alone in our unbearable pain and confusion, AND IF he can keep us in a place of feeling shame and embarassment so that we don’t share and encourage one another, than he will win! He will render us useless for our great Creator and his glorious Kingdom. Let you and I remind each other what is really at stake here and what is really going on behind it all. My dear sweet sister, YOU have the victory. I have the victory. Pain is for a while, perfection with Christ is forever. Our foe WILL go down in a lake of fire never to return and YOU WILL sit next to Jesus with your crown of jewels and I will sit next to you. There will be a moment when we see each other face to face and smile because we will have made it! I look forward to that day:)
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Krista,
Praying that you will find peace, real peace….hugs coming your way. Please don’t stop writing. Di
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Thanks Diane! Your prayers mean so much to me! And I am doing my best to not stop writing! Like Dory in ‘Finding Nemo’ but instead of “just keep swimming…” its “just keep writing…” 🙂
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Hi Krista,
Ironically, I just heard this song for the first time today, and after crying at my work desk while answering phones I red this post. So I want to share it with you. I know so well how in times of struggle and hardship it’s sometimes so maddening to hear ppl say, just praise the Lord. But when the deafening noise dispels a bit, I hope you can *hear* this song.
Thank you for your posts and writings, they are a wonderful gift.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yFDfzyaCbXc
Xoxo
Galina
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Galina, I am sorry for not responding sooner! I just noticed your comment and THAT song! Oh wow! That’s all I can say! So amazing!!!! Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing that with me! Truly touched my heart. He is enough for me…
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No worries 🙂 it was meant to be so… His timing is always perfect eh?
xoxo
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God restores, that is where we find ourselves and He does not allow us to remain in the same place.
Thanks for sharing.
-stephen
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