heartbroken – Krista Ortiz

When God Feels Far and His Love Nonexistent

I understand why people walk away from God. Might be a strange thing to hear me say as a Christian, and not only that, as a woman who has thrown her entire adult life into starting a church in NYC, but it’s true.

I know for myself that sometimes, because of something God allows or doesn’t allow, His action or His inaction, His words or His silence, God can feel far away, and His love? Yeah… well, that can feel downright nonexistent.

And I’ve experienced this multiple times throughout my life.

Summer of 2012, as I dropped my husband off at summer camp something felt off.

We had been youth pastors for years, and I knew well the excitement and exhaustion that came from taking loads of teens to camp every summer, but this feeling was different. It would be the first year I’d be unable to attend (with our daughter only 9 months old at the time and sleeping on the ground in 100-degree heat out of the question), but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t want to leave that day. It was more than just FOMO, something felt wrong and unsettling.

As I left for home that night with our daughter, leaving my husband behind at the campsite, I watched the entire camp staff gather in the outdoor barn to worship. I could hear their voices echoing as I drove past with my windows rolled down.

It was then that I felt God speak something simple and comforting to my restless heart: “There’s no reason to fear, I am with them.”

I took a breath of relief. God is there. Everything will be okay despite how I feel (…right?).

36 hours later I received a call from my husband that would have me asking him to repeat himself again and again, because what he was saying on the other end of the line was so heartbreaking and cruel, it was as if my mind was refusing to acknowledge what he was saying could be true.

What he proceeded to tell me was that a 15-year-old boy from our youth group had slipped into the river and had been pulled under the waterfall. Another counselor, a friend of ours, had slipped in as well; neither of them had surfaced yet. It had been 30 minutes.

We would spend the next two weeks attending their funerals, and years afterward reeling with heartache and questions.

They were supposed to be having fun at camp. Even more, that week they were coming to hear from you, God. I thought you said you would be there. I thought that meant things would be okay.

Believe me when I say, I know for myself that God can feel far away and His love mind-blowingly nonexistent.

A year later, God (first) called my husband and me to move to NYC. We had committed to do everything God told us to do, no matter the cost; we sold our house, our cars, and nearly all our possessions to move where He led us (which happened to be a one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan)… only for our marriage to fall apart months after.

We were on the brink of divorce and thousands of miles away from our support system, and now I was feeling the weight of being a single mom in one of the most expensive zip codes in the world and looking up how to get food stamps so that I could get diapers should I need to leave my husband. All while knowing it was God who had led us to this place of hopelessness.

Where was God now? Where was the blessing in our obedience? My god…where was His protection?

And then there are these last few years, which have been some of the darkest and most confusing in my faith to date. After a plague-like 6 months at the start of 2020 came the cherry on top–I got pregnant miraculously, naturally, after many years of infertility, the very thing doctors had told us would likely never happen. And then, surrounded by lavender tissue paper and flowery cards, I miscarried on Mother’s Day.

It was far more than a miscarriage to me, it was a miracle lost. More than that, a miracle granted and then retracted. I had seen God in this. I thanked him every day for that pregnancy and took 18 pregnancy tests to revel in the real-life miracle God had done despite what the doctors had said. I had seen God’s power and felt His love, and then, I watched Him withdraw it and fade into the darkness. It will be 4 years in May with not a single positive pregnancy test since.

I remember a friend telling me upon hearing of this loss, and knowing the decade-long journey it had taken us to get to this place, that she had stopped mid-jog on her morning run that day around her quiet well-behaved suburban neighborhood in the South, to yell at the top of her lungs, WHAT THE HELL, GOD?

He did the miracle… and then He took it away… I just don’t see Him in this, she said to me later that day, waiting for anything I could say to relieve the tension she felt. A tidy bow? A happily ever after? A pretty verse promising better days and favorable outcomes? As a lifelong Christian herself, she was trying to understand.

But what I’ve learned is there are no bows and happily-ever-afters when you are living real-time drownings, when you are feeling the crushing weight of divorce or that diagnosis. When you experience your own personal tragedies…. (At least not yet.)

Some circumstances are just exceptionally dark and confusing. And sometimes in those circumstances, God can feel far as hell.

A man named Job felt a similar sentiment when he experienced unspeakable loss. He was a good man who had followed after God when the unimaginable and confusing shook his world to the core–in mere hours he lost all his wealth and every single one of his children.

Because of that, as one would expect, we find Job desperately looking for God in his circumstances.

He cries out with these words, “If only I knew where to find God… I go east, but He is not there. I go west, but I cannot find Him. I do not see Him in the north, for He is hidden. I look to the south, but He is concealed.” (Job 23, NLT)

No matter how hard Job tried, he was unable to find God in his circumstances. He too knew why people walk away from God. But a few verses later we find out why he was unable to find God in his circumstances. (It may be the same reason why you can’t find God in yours.)

In Job 23:17 Job goes on to say,

“Darkness is all around me;

thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere.”

You see, Job’s circumstances were so dark, so impenetrably dark, he couldn’t see.

Don’t miss this: some circumstances are so dark and confusing we won’t be able to see God in them–when there is yet another school shooting or black slaying, after delivering a stillborn or receiving that awful diagnosis. When you miscarry on Mother’s Day after 8 years of infertility, all while Sally prays for a toothpick in the morning and it shows up at her door perfectly packaged with a bow by noon, to name a few.

There will be seasons where we will feel God near and bask in His goodness and the evidence we have of His Sovereign hand guiding our lives, and then others where we have to squint to see even the slightest glimpse of Him. You may reach for Him and not find Him, call out to Him, and receive no answer.

And don’t be surprised if, in your darkest circumstances, you can’t find a trace of His presence, nor a glimpse of His heart and His love.

But know this: that doesn’t mean He’s not there.

I remember God illustrating this to me when my family and I traveled to the Lake of the Ozarks in the summer of 2020 and toured an expansive (and dark!) cave that lies beneath Thunder Mountain called the Bridal Caves.

During our tour we made our way through the most scenic caverns, the darkness lighting up almost magically as we stepped into each new part of the cave. But towards the end of the tour, our guide suggested we experience what the cave would really be like, without the man-made lights illuminating our path. As we stood there in silence, we watched as each light in the cave ticked off, until we were standing in complete and utter darkness.

I had never been in such deep darkness in my life. I’ll never forget how completely helpless I felt. Disoriented. Even more, I’ll never forget how far away our guide felt.

Before the lights went out I had seen how close he was to me, no more than arm’s length away, but in the deep darkness, it was as if he wasn’t there at all. (And the same can be true of God.)

I think back to Job’s words… I cannot find [God], He is hidden. He is completely concealed….

But after acknowledging that he can’t find God, I love the verse that follows. Job continues, “But He knows where I am going….” (Job 23:10)

Job knew that even when He couldn’t find God in the darkness of his circumstances, God never —not even for a moment— took His eyes off of him.

Just like my guide in the caves that day, when we are forced to walk through dark and difficult things in this life, God can feel far. That’s not something we should be ashamed of, as much as it is something we should expect. But just because we can’t see God’s presence, doesn’t mean He isn’t there. Just because we don’t feel His love doesn’t mean God is not attentively watching our every move even when we can’t understand His. Even when everything feels like it’s being upended, our Guide is still very much in control when the lights go out.

Scripture tells us this, saying, “Whether silent or hidden, He’s there, ruling.” (Job 34:29-30, MSG)

Whether silent or hidden, active or seemingly sleeping in our storm. Whether His love feels near and palpably present, or if He feels far and His love nonexistent,

He’s there, ruling.

He’s there… and my goal in this season is simple: to find Him in my darkness. (Writing is how I always have.)

And my prayer for you is that as I write to find God in my own dark circumstances it helps you better find Him in yours.

Because God promises He’s there.

I’m doing everything God desires, and I’m disappointed by the results.

I’m doing everything God desired me to do, and I’m disappointed by the results. Those are the words I said over the phone to my mom just over a year ago, such brutally honest words, that had I not said them out loud I might never have remembered saying them at all.

It was my response after she had sweetly inquired how I was feeling, as she has done ever since I was five.

How’s my daughter doing? She’d always say.

(And this time, after the barrage of distressing circumstances we had just endured, …well, that was a loaded question, to say the least.)

Weeping With Jesus

Perched high on a balcony, taking in my last New York City sunset, I admitted to God what I could no longer hide: that in spite of everything I was eternally grateful for, I really was just so, so sad…

That in simply a mere year and a half of living on the East Coast – the place where God had so clearly led my family and me – I had seemingly lost everything I held most dear.

With tears streaming down my face, I watched as the setting sun painted majestic hues above the East River sky, and I questioned aloud if such beauty could ever be restored in my life…my home…my heart…or my marriage…

But it was then that I realized: God wept with me.

There’s a story told in the Gospel of John in which Mary and Martha lost something precious to them also – their brother, Lazarus.

In their desperation they had sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick and they needed Him to come. Yet upon hearing the news, Jesus did something surprising…

…Nothing!

It says, “…Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was…”

Though admittedly He loved them, Jesus did NOT rush to their rescue when they felt they needed Him the most!

And in doing so, He single-handedly allowed what Mary and Martha held most dear to be lost!

When Jesus finally did arrive, Mary was overwhelmed with emotion and fell to His feet saying, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died…” Oddly enough, her words echoed much of my prayer overlooking the city that night:

…Lord, if you had only been here…my marriage wouldn’t have crumbled…my health wouldn’t have deteriorated…my life wouldn’t have imploded…

…Lord, if you had been here, maybe then I wouldn’t have lost EVERYTHING…

But then it goes on to say, “When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled within him, and he was deeply troubled…

…then Jesus wept.”

Understand this: Jesus didn’t weep because he was overwhelmed at the magnitude of what Mary and Martha were faced with. In fact, He knew with certainty that the story wouldn’t end there and that the plot would change dramatically once He entered the scene. (Which He proved, when just moments later, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!)

Nor did Jesus weep worrying that His timing was off and that He should have come sooner…He knew devastating circumstances would come, and He allowed it!

Instead, Jesus wept because He saw their pain, and because He loved what was lost just as much as they did…

And though it may not feel like it at times, God sees the extent of the pain we are faced with today.

‘Deep anger wells within him…’ when He sees the broken promises you have endured, and the scars you bear from your heart being trampled on mercilessly.

‘He is deeply troubled…’ when your most sought-after plans derail, and everything you love has seemingly taken a nose-dive into a dark abyss, obliterating your every hope and dream upon impact.

…And it is then, that He weeps with us.

Not out of fear of what we are up against or because He’s worried He doesn’t have an elaborate plan in place to rescue us. Jesus weeps because He sees YOU.

He sees you falling at His feet like Mary, defeated and wailing at the thought of all that is lost. He watches as you writhe and question where He was when your heart broke, and whether His plan for your life can be trusted moving forward…

And just like in the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, ‘Although he loves us…’ there will be times where God stays where He is – even when we feel we need Him the most!

Times when it would seem He has let our most frantic and desperate calls go straight to voicemail. And other times where He allows us to take a few wobbly steps on our own, watching as we grasp at anything in an attempt to steady ourselves, only to have us fall to our face before sweeping us up in His sovereignty.

BUT – and you can mark my words – while Jesus may not arrive IMMEDIATELY, He will come to your rescue EVENTUALLY! And when He does, what God allowed to be taken, HE WILL RESTORE!

So until we are standing in awe of God’s deliverance and basking in the intricate way He has pieced our lives back together, rest assured knowing we do not weep alone…

We are weeping with Jesus.

When God Drags You Through The Wilderness

“Get up right Now!!!! ”

Startled, my eyes opened in a fury, darting across the room with more questions than I had gone to sleep with …What time is it? …What day is it? … Please Lord, tell me it was all just a terrible nightmare…

Still disoriented, I strained to make out the figure still standing in the doorway, the lanky frame of my 3 year old slowly coming in to focus. I noted the stern look on her face was one I had never seen before…

“No mo’ sleeeeepin’, Mama! Get up RIGHT NOW!!!” she demanded.

Out of duty I complied, positioning myself upright in bed as I continued my search for answers long after my daughter dashed down the hallway praising my awakening.

My eyes fixated on the nightstand by my side, a bottle boldly labeled ‘PAIN RELIEF’ brought the events of the last 36 hours flooding back…confessions made in the dark… phone calls to different timezones that began with, ”I don’t even know how to say this…” and sitting alone on a balcony feeling the paralyzing weight of decisions that would have to be made, and yet ZERO willpower to begin making them.

As I recounted the events of that night, I picked up the bottle of pills, recalling each of the 33 hours I had been too tormented to sleep…

The piercing screams….

The sobs that went on into the night while my husband looked on helplessly…

The hours that felt like days, watching the stillness of the city transform with the rising of the sun into a bustling spectacle that offered no more than the cruelest reality; that the world never stops, even though mine so devastatingly had…

The two Tylenol PM’s that had been the only conceivable way to silence my racing thoughts…

I rolled the bottle around in the palm of my hand, pondering the irony of its promise to provide “Pain Relief” when in no way could the contents relieve me of the pain I had been confronted with.

I put the weight of my head in my hands, tightly closed my eyes, and declared to the universe that if for the last 6 months I had been ‘breaking,’ than this final blow had left me shattered.

Game over.

I had only one question left for God,

“… How did I get here? ”

His response was as infuriating as it was comforting,

“… I led you here.”

In Exodus it says, “God did not lead them [the Israelites] along the main road even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land… God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea.” (13:17-18)

You see, God led his people tirelessly through the wilderness, to a place of complete hopelessness. Even more alarming, He planned it that way!

He goes on to address the people of Israel by saying, “…And once again I will harden Pharaoh’s heart and he will chase after you. I have planned this in order to display my glory.” (14:3)

It’s as if God is saying, “Listen, I know you thought you were in the clear (finally free from a lifetime of slavery and all that ish) but mark my words, its going to get BAD! Here’s whats on the agenda: I’m going to take you on an emotionally taxing, physically exhausting journey through the wilderness until you reach a place of complete and utter hopelessness and have no where left to turn… Oh, and if thats not bad enough, it’s going to get WORSE because I am going to have Pharaoh chase you!!!

P.S. I planned it that way!

XOXO,

God

… Sound familiar?

But it’s what He said next that struck me most, “…My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh, and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers…” (14:17)

In other words, God will reveal his mighty power through the very thing that has us on our knees and is threatening to take us down!

He knows what we are up against – be it broken marriage vows, heartbreaking infertility, or a paralyzing journey through depression – whatever it is, it is in our most terrifying times that God will point us back to how strong and miraculous HE is in spite of those circumstances, and maybe even because of them!

Could He have led us down an easier route? Without a doubt.

But two things are certain: Had He not dragged the Israelites kicking and screaming through the wilderness, (1) they would have both avoided their problem altogether by bypassing the Red Sea completely AND (2) missed the chance to be front-and-center to one of the greatest miracles of all time when God made a way straight through their biggest problem by parting the Red Sea!

So when it feels like God has taken us on a roundabout journey… through the wilderness… to a place of complete hopelessness… recognize that just like the Israelites, we are also on the edge of something equally MIRACULOUS!

Because our God is greater than what we are up against, and more relentless than the enemy pursuing us! He is able to RESCUE your struggling marriage and your dwindling happiness, and like a mighty warrior, The Lord will FIGHT for you to overcome your most overwhelming addictions and illnesses!

What you have been led to, our God will see you through. So let us not cower in fear at the circumstances racing towards us, or crumble at the sight of the sea of hopelessness we are up against…

With God as our strength, we can stand our ground, face our greatest fears head-on, and watch for the miracle to unfold.

… Because that’s what God does when he drags you through the wilderness.

If I Could Write You A Letter

If I could write you a letter,

I’d start by acknowledging the bitter cold truth that no matter the strength of the relationship built, the good intentions expressed or the pinky-promises exchanged, everyone has the capacity to let you down. Everyone! You can either be anchored in that reality or crippled by it.

May you choose to love fearlessly anyway.

I’d tell you that while you’ll spend the first third of your life searching tirelessly for the person you’re going to marry, you will likely spend the rest of it working TWICE as hard to stay married. Upon realizing this, you will likely want to right hook Cinderella to the throat for not telling you such a thing! And believe me, you wouldn’t be the first one…

I’d tell you no amount of makeup, self-tanner, or fake eyelashes can make you feel worthy enough after a broken heart. At best, they will only serve to make a greater mess once the tears flow. (Mark my words: they will FLOW!)

But when they do, remember even the strong break – but the STRONGER aren’t afraid to admit it. Choosing to be vulnerable in the midst of your brokenness always feels like weakness but it looks like strength; sword-wielding, courage-blazing, dragon-slaying STRENGTH!

So never apologize for the state of your heart.

In the event that one day happiness feels so far from you, when you truly forget what it once felt like to savor the warmth of the sun on your skin, converse effortlessly, belly laugh to the point of keeling over or wake up with anticipation; just know there will be people predestined to remind you happiness is awaiting you in the future, so long as you “just hang on a little longer…”

Which you will do rather reluctantly.

But someday you will be glad you listened.

Someday… But for now, you will sob so hard you’ll fear your heart might give out. But it won’t. And that will always surprise you – and on an especially dark day will even piss you off!

Again those said individuals will remind you, “God will never leave or forsake you” and again you will struggle to believe them. Because while you cry to the point of hyperventilation into the palms of your hands – tears streaming down your face – you will also believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down on you…and doesn’t care!

But one day you will come to know God does care …only to forget it once again…

Lather, rinse, repeat.

In those moments where God seems like “the Big-Bad-Bully” on the playground who deviously ties the already-untied-shoelaces-of-your-life together so He can laugh sinisterly as you fall to your face. When you feel beat up, worn down, and rage wells inside you – tell Him!

God can handle it. ALL of it!

He can handle the “…HOW DARE YOU’s???” and the “…WHERE ARE YOU’s???” The threats you make and the fists you shake! He hears your most private pleas for the pain to be taken, for the strength needed to endure even just one… more… day and all those nights you are faced with the (often insurmountable) task of simply falling asleep.

So pray honestly. Always!

One day we will all find ourselves at the same place in life; whilst while we are so genuinely happy for others, we are also so so SO debilitatingly sad for ourselves.

When that day comes, just remember your closet is your best friend; it’s always there and will never tell of the countless times it finds you crying in a heap amidst the darkness and the denim in the name of broken dreams and hopeless nights (…It also won’t divulge you secretly aren’t THAAAT happy for others!)

You see, if I could write you a letter for the moment you find yourself slipping farther and farther away, for the moment you look in the mirror and worry the person looking back at you is becoming less recognizable to the person you once were:

I’d tell you in time you WILL get through this. That although you may not feel like it, you WILL stand triumphant over your darkest days.

Because My Love, you are so much stronger than you know.

*** A letter of hope and understanding for the day my daughter goes through the kind of heartache I am faced with today. May the Lord comfort her – and all of you – every step of the way, in much of the same way He has always comforted me ***

“The Meltdown” A Memoir

It started around 9am, Just long enough for me to sit down with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath in the name of starting (yet another) day.

… And then it began.

Construction.

Those of you who know me, know that I am truly one of the most chill human beings. Like chill to the point that I don’t even flinch when my wedding was running 45 minutes late, or when my daughter eats potato chips off the pavement in NYC!

… But THIS. This loud drilling outside my window that was literally rattling every sq inch of my apartment had me struggling to hold it together!

I tried to stay calm, and tried with all my might to distract myself …when the drilling was in the living room, I looked at it as a great excuse to get some dishes done in the kitchen… When the drilling followed me into the kitchen, I moved into the bedroom to fold some clothes…

But without fail, the drilling followed me EVERYWHERE!!!!

I held my composure beautifully

… until nap-time!

If you aren’t familiar with this nap-time that I speak of, it’s the mom’s equivalent of ‘Girls Night’ minus the blood orange margaritas and the little black dress! Nap-time is oftentimes a mother’s only time to unwind, to feel human again (if only for a moment) and to simply do whatever the heck she wants! (Can I get an amen?!?!)

However today’s nap-time would be experiencing a ‘remix’ of sorts thanks to the drilling that was going on IN HER ROOM! And while the ‘original nap-time tune’ was MUCH more to my liking (and may or may not have included watching reruns of Sex and the City and attempting to apply fake eyelashes…) I embraced it as much as I could muster, and turned on every fan in an attempt to drown out the sound, and brought my daughter into my room to lay down with her.

As if on cue, once my daughter had finally fallen asleep (…and my hand literally felt like it was going to detach from my wrist from rubbing her back for so long…) the drilling began AGAIN!!!

This time

ROOM!!!!

Insert: Full blown meltdown.

It is during that meltdown – and somewhere between thrashing around, and violently punching pillows – that I screamed out in frustration and said these exact words out loud to God…

“WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME!?!?!”

As soon as the words left my lips, Him and I both knew I was talking about much more than just construction! The words I said were few, but loaded!

They confronted God head-on asking,

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY DID YOU ALLOW my heart to be broken?

I have followed you DEVOTEDLY, I have loved you PASSIONATELY… WHY would a “God of love” allow this to happen to ME?!

Though it was far from pretty, this was the first time (in a long time) that I had spoken directly to God. Like Reeeeeally spoken to Him!

You see, I had said my ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’ and prayed before asking to pass the salt at dinner… I always bowed my head (without peeking) during church, and have thanked Him endlessly for the apartment He gave me… but even still, I had yet to confront God about the current state of my life – the seemingly irreparable state of my heart!

A little harmless construction was all it took for me to be truly honest with the Lord…

The question is, What’s it going to take for YOU to be honest with the Lord?

Jesus says, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-19

Though we may not realize it, our God doesn’t turn away from our heartbreak, our tough questions, and at times our confrontational attitude. On the contrary, He invites it!

He goes even further to say (directly to only me of course, and to my current state of unwind) “…Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”

Come to me… I will give you rest.

Let me teach you… I can be trusted.

I don’t know about you, but I so badly need rest… and even more, someone I can trust.

And though last week, we may have admirably decided to stop running FROM God, I realized that it’s just as much about running TO Him…

To throw yourself at His feet when life gets ‘noisy’ and problems arise at the most inopportune times. When there seems to be nowhere to escape, and problems seemingly follow you everywhere!

To come to Him, raw, messy, and unedited. Ask the tough questions. Scream. Cry. Demand answers. Punch Pillows, and say things that would get you kicked out of church!

Our God can handle it, ALL of it! No matter how ‘heavy’ the burden!

… And once our heart rate levels out and our voice lowers, (apologize to the pillow…) and let Him teach us.

Let Him teach us to love, to trust, and to pick up the broken pieces once again.

Let His strength take the weight that is crushing your spirit, the burden that each day threatens to tear the little you have left from your grasp. Let Him speak words of ‘gentlesness’ in a world that has unapologetically dealt it’s harshest hand. Let the God who was miraculously raised from the dead, work on your behalf to breathe life into your weary soul, and rebuild all that has been unfairly stripped away.

You see, it’s just as much about not running FROM God, as it is to decide – with every ounce we have left – to run TO Him!

For Our God can be trusted…

So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. -Isaiah 30:18

From My Weary Heart To Yours

I was shaken abruptly from my slumber. Just as quickly, the ‘seatbelt sign’ dinged on and the stewardess postponed drink orders while the pilot made apologies in advanced for the bumps that lay ahead.

The woman next to me took a deep breath and tightly grasped the arm rest, I could almost hear her thoughts…

… Please Lord, I want to get married! …don’t take me now God! I want to have children!…

I smiled to myself, closed my eyes, and eased into the comfort of my seat. Not because I hadn’t felt the same way before, but because oh, how effective a little turbulence is at weighing the status of our lives.

And while my flight was nearly being jostled into oblivion, I realized…

I just don’t give a damn.

Take me now Lord Jesus!

You see, for the last two weeks that I have been MIA since writing ‘This Weary Heart of Mine,” I have started (and given up on) over 6 self-help books. I have also avoided exactly 11 phone calls, and avoided nearly the equivalent in panic attacks.

I have cried myself to sleep, raised my voice in a restaurant (Once again!) and have used my ‘labor breathing techniques’ to physically resist the urge to punch someone in the face.

I am numb, I am heartbroken, and I deeply regret the two strong margaritas that unfortunately did little more than give me a headache and give my husband a piece of my mind (further explaining the said “raised voice in a restaurant”)

And the truth is, I am in a dark place.

So dark even, that in my insecurity I have wondered if I am too far out of God’s reach. If it’s even humanly possible to be as small as I feel, and if because of it, the Lord is unable to see me in my desperation. If this pain, caused by the hands of another, is the final blow that will have me ushered out of the ring never to return the same again…

But then I remember you, our beloved readers. Those of you all over the world, that have shared with us your stories, your heartbreak, and expressed your deepest yearning for miraculous healing over your most secret struggles.

I know if there was a base you could run to where you would finally be “safe,” that though you are terribly exhausted and out of breath, you would get there as fast as you possibly could!

If there was a debt you could pay to make it all disappear, I know you would pay it no matter the cost!

Even if it meant you’d be given only the smallest of guarantees, I know it would be enough for you to hang in there just a little longer…

But alas! It is out of your hands, and out of your control. You are up against a wall, in over you head, and with such dire circumstances looming that you aren’t sure how – or if – you will ever make it through.

I am with you…

Heartbroken,

hopeless,

and mad as hell!

… And I need Jesus more than ever.

And after two long weeks I am ready to put down the ‘Ben and Jerry’s’… and write. What exactly? I am not sure.

But with vulnerability as my voice, and God as my strength I will see this storm through.

I will fight to remind myself that even when I feel so far from God, that He is NEAR to my broken heart. (Psalm 34:18)

That when it seems my greatest plans have derailed and cliff dived into a horrific nightmare, that His – even greater plans for me – are PERFECT (Psalm 18:30)

That when my troubles are mounting, my life is crumbling, and there seems to be no hope in sight, that My God will not only meet me there in the shambles, but will OVERCOME the impossible! (John 16:33)

Dear weary readers,

There is no denying the very real war that is being waged over our souls! And yet, there also is no denying the strength of the God we serve!

I love how Perry Noble puts it when he says, “…He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God, so NEVER give up! He’s about to blow your flippin’ mind!”

All that to say, may the Lord “Blow our flipping’ minds!” … ideally, before we lose them! 🙂

***And in the case that you can’t get past the fact that I cursed…

Feel free to check back here the moment the turbulence doesn’t faze you…

We will get along much better then! 😉

This Weary Heart Of Mine

This Valentines Day, I watched while you indulged in gourmet chocolates from a tulle wrapped box, and how surprised you were when a beautiful bouquet was awaiting you on the counter… I saw the sweet valentines that are still covering your refrigerator, and the dishes you ordered from your favorite restaurant…

But that’s not what Valentines Day had in store for me this year…

My Valentines day left me blind-sighted and broken-hearted.

BUT before you decide not to read another word of my sob story, and before you come to your senses and realize your time could be better spent reading someone else’s (far more eloquent) words… I wanted to share with you something God brought to light about this weary heart of mine.

It started when I awoke to hear my daughter whimpering in her bed. When like any parent, I instinctively made my way to her side only to find that her sheets were sopping wet around her. Still groggy and disoriented, I can remember sweeping her up in my arms and making my way to the bathroom to get her cleaned up.

Moments later, after her cries had settled and her flailing limbs were wrapped in the warmth of a towel, I held her close and whispered the sincerest apology – knowing full well that both of us were opposed to baths before sunrise, and before the coffee had been brewed!

It was around that time that I fully expected my usually rambunctious toddler, to break from my arms – NAKED and running towards the living room squealing in delight at the thought of her triumphant escape!

… But she didn’t. Willingly she would stay, wrapped in my arms, the weight of her head resting deliberately on my chest.

Alarmed, I held my palm to her forehead checking for a temperature… she never flinch.

When it became apparent what she was doing the tears instantly welled in my eyes! My precious little girl was listening attentively to the sound of my heartbeat! Likely for the first time since she was born!

I studied her as she listened and saw the familiarity the sound of my heart brought, the comfort she found in its unending rhythm, how captivated she was by it’s strength...

… STRENGTH?! How could that be? My heart was weak and shaken – a far cry from the strength it possessed all those years ago!

But as I watched her listen intently to each beat I realized, not only was she the only person who truly knew the sound of my heart, but that to her, it was still as recognizably strong as ever! Even after all this time, and even amidst my current brokenness!

As I held her head close to that weary heart of mine, there was no resisting the tears that swept down my cheeks…

I was overwhelmed with gratitude knowing that ~~My heart~~ … MY GOD had never failed me!

Overwhelmed knowing that even when our hearts are crushed and our spirits are most feeble, that there will always be a part of us, up until our very last breath, that will remain strangely strong! That even when we feel we can’t endure any longer, that there will always be something alive and thriving deep within us, even still.

Like a soothing lullaby from our Creator, each beat makes sweet promises that if He was able to preserve our heart through the pain of the past, that He will indeed sustain it through the paralyzing uncertainty and fear of the future.

While the cruelest hand the world can deal may succeed in taking every material thing I have worked so hard for… while it may unapologetically and cold-heartedly tear the ones I love from my grasp, and crush every dream that I have fought so courageously for…

There is NO denying

the enduring power,

and undoubtable strength,

of this ever weary heart of mine!

“Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.” Luke 1:37

“When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn’t be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening—even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will” Ps 32:1-4

We Must Remember The Storm

Of all my most cherished photographs there is one that stands out.

There are pictures illustrating wedding day jitters, and another portraying a perfectly wrinkled newborn smirking in her sleep. There is one that captures the rare occurrence of me and my siblings embracing, and another of my daughter warily taking her first steps.

And then there is the picture I hold closest to my heart…

a picture of when I had nearly given up.

The summer sun illuminating the smile I had purposefully painted on my face doesn’t fool me. At the exact time this picture was taken my husband had been sleeping on the couch for weeks, and the broken promises within our marriage easily outnumbered the wedding gifts we had received just two years earlier! We had run out of things to say and even worse, reasons to keep trying to make it work!

…And it was going to get worse!

At the time this picture was taken, I could have never known that there were more lies bubbling to the surface, more fits of tears in store (that were oftentimes so intense, I questioned whether my heart would physically give out) And even more difficult for me to admit, a bout of depression that would have me questioning whether I could endure any longer.

The picture that holds the most significance to me is one taken amidst a raging storm in my life. A storm that pains me to remember, but I am hard-pressed to never forget!

A storm much like what was described in the Bible…

“The waters of the flood came and covered the Earth…

All the underground waters erupted from the Earth and the rain fell in mighty torrents from the sky…

The rain continued to fall…

The floodwaters grew deeper…

As the waters rose higher and higher above the ground, the boat floated safely on the surface.”

Genesis 7:10-12, 17-18

This violent storm that the Bible is referring to is the flood, and from the sound of its enormity it sounds much like the ’emotional storms’ I have found myself in!

…When bad luck seemed to fall ‘ in mighty torrents from the sky’…when my seemingly happy existence ‘erupted’ into something barely recognizable …When my trials got deeper… and deeper… and each new wave of trouble threatened to overtake me….

Yet, the Lord kept me safe.

After all I am here to tell you about it, aren’t I?

God tells us that our lives will be full of many seasons, “planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night…” but in Genesis 9:11 He clearly says, “… never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood.”

God made a promise to the world (via a rainbow) that He would never again destroy all life, and that picture of me smack-dab in the middle of my heartache proves He never did!

Even so, my heart will always break for the girl in that picture. When I look into her eyes I will always feel pressed to tell her there’s no need to disguise her pain because I know she cries every night in a heap in the closet. Oh, how I wish I could remind her that when she screams out in frustration like a raging lunatic, it’s not a direct reflection of how ‘awful she is’ but how hurt she has been!’

… And that no matter how unfair a hand life has dealt her if she can withstand the storm just a little longer, the storm will settle ‘and she will not be destroyed!‘

Our God promises a life of varied seasons, so we can be certain that at times it is going to rain! Likely even that it will POUR!

But even when life seems most bleak… we will not be destroyed!

Even when we feel most weary… we will not succumb!

Because In God’s hands we will ‘float safely on the surface’ of every storm that comes our way!

Oftentimes it takes staring deep into the heartache of our past, to speak directly to the fear that is overwhelming us in the present. So this week: find a picture of yourself in the midst of the most turbulent storm in your life, and remind yourself that our God will overcome!

He did it before, He will do it again! ( and again!)

“[God] calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves.” Psalm 107:29

If 2013 Broke Your Heart…

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… 2 Corinthians 1:8

Each Christmas, my husband and I search the city over, in pursuit of an ornament that best represents the last year of our lives.

Our Christmas tree tells ‘our story’, displaying the likes of seashells from tropical getaways, an antique bassinet in soft hue’s of pink, and an ornament in the shape of a Chinese takeout box symbolizing our first year of our marriage (and more specifically, the frequent calls made to Choi’s Chinese Food, thanks to my many failed attempts at making dinner each night!)

…and then there is a margarita glass.

One margarita-shaped ornament, that represents to us one of the most difficult years we endured. A year marked with heartbreaking tragedy, of death, of malicious lies, and cold-hearted betrayals… and the need for counseling and the occasional STRONG margarita!

I can still remember to my shock and bewilderment, when that same year was publicly declared as the “BEST. YEAR. EVER!!!” by all of my Facebook friends…

The very year that had left me broken!

New Years Eve was a blur, as I struggled to hold back tears as the ball dropped, and while all of my closest friends cheered and embraced each other somewhere in the background. I can remember struggling to pinpoint whether the tears were welling because I was so relieved to see that year pass… or because deep within, I knew that I would not be able to withstand another year of the same devastating magnitude….

Even more, fearing that I would have to!

But when it comes to sheer magnitude, it is In Isaiah 43:16, that the Lord reminds us that He did the impossible and made an escape for His people through the expanse of the Red Sea! By doing so, He reminds us also, that no matter the magnitude of the trials we are up against this year, that He has got it covered! (After all, the Red Sea was a HUGE problem for the Israelites! Roughly 1400 miles long, 220 miles wide, and 1600 feet deep if you want to be exact!)

But God doesn’t stop there! He goes on to say this…

” Forget all that – It is NOTHING compared to what I am going to do! For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland… so my people can be refreshed.”

Carving a pathway through the Red Sea, is arguably, one of the greatest things God has ever done! And yet, He is saying, “that is NOTHING compared to what I can do in your life!”

But just over a year ago, with a bout of rejection under my belt, a tragedy that had me gritting my teeth and bracing for what was next, and feeling emotionally ‘pushed to the limit’ just by having to get out of bed each morning, and paint on the fake smile needed to appease everyone around me, I can recall struggling to believe that I too, was worthy of this level of blessing in my life!

But as I packed up the last of the Christmas decorations this last week; reminiscing about the significance of each year’s ornament, and tucking each one safely away in its place, I came to my beloved margarita glass. And I smiled…

Because what I had failed to see the very first time I nestled my new ornament into the glow of our Christmas tree just a year ago, was that in that very moment, God was working to do something ‘new’ in my life! That the piece of glass hanging from the branch in the shape of an alcoholic beverage – which once, only humorously symbolized the turbulence of the previous year – now serves as a constant reminder of the overwhelming blessings we could have never known He had in store for us in the year to come!

I imagine God must have snickered to himself, when I asked Him with bated breath, to merely ‘survive’ that next year, knowing that in the very moment I made my request, that He was already beautifully orchestrating – not only the provision of all my needs – but outlining a journey that would make some of our greatest dreams as a family come to fruition!

Since then, He has traded what was left of my hollow existence, with a life overflowing with excitement! He has restored my family… my heart… and my laughter…. and replaced my broken spirit with a strength that I never knew resided within me!

I love how Beth Moore puts it when she says, “If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion, if only we’ll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner!”

No matter how badly broken 2013 has left you, our God is a god who seeks to refresh. And He is not finished! He promises to make a pathway through the lifeless deserts you may have found yourself in, and provide a way out of the most trying circumstances you are up against. No matter the depth, He will be our guide through the raging sea that is currently standing in the way of the life we most desire.

And The Lord will do something ‘new’ in our lives…

Something more miraculous than anything He has ever done before!

We need only to take a look around, and wait expectantly for the beauty of it to unfold!

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… but as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to only rely on God…we have placed our confidence in Him and He will continue to rescue us.

2 Corinthians 1:8-10