struggling to trust God

I’m doing everything God desires, and I’m disappointed by the results.

I’m doing everything God desired me to do, and I’m disappointed by the results. Those are the words I said over the phone to my mom just over a year ago, such brutally honest words, that had I not said them out loud I might never have remembered saying them at all.

It was my response after she had sweetly inquired how I was feeling, as she has done ever since I was five.

How’s my daughter doing? She’d always say.

(And this time, after the barrage of distressing circumstances we had just endured, …well, that was a loaded question, to say the least.)

When God tells you it’s time to shut up about it

This isn’t the blog post I was expecting to write this week, and there are three other drafts floating around my desktop as proof.

Originally, I was planning on telling you that in spite of how God blessed us last month, there are still so many questions we still don’t have answers to, so many more miracles my family needs.

I was going to tell you:

How we’re selling our beautiful home in South Carolina, only to put what feels like a trillion dollars (we currently don’t have) down on a one bedroom apartment in NYC that is double the cost of our mortgage and might not have windows in it. #TrueStory …and in the next two weeks… No pressure.
How it’s uncertain if we’ll be able to bring our dog, a dining room table, or if we’ll even have room for our bed in NYC. (I’m not kidding.)
How in the last week, the reality of all the above made me cry in the kitchen in the arms of my husband, snap at my daughter, and consume more ice-cream then I care to admit. (There are 5 tubs in the freezer.)

It’s all so overwhelming, I told God over and over this week.

And God’s response? Well, it wasn’t what I expected…

He said, It’s time to shut up about it, Krista…

Continue reading When God tells you it’s time to shut up about it

On the day my baby (would have) been born

Today would’ve been the due date of my second child.

And while I could dwell on the could-have-beens or the should-have-beens, I’ve cried enough tears over that these last 9 months.

Today, on the day my baby would’ve been born, I’ve chosen instead to reflect on the promise God made me. (It’s the same promise God is making to you, no matter what dream of yours has seemingly died.)

It all started when God came to me in a dream…

Continue reading On the day my baby (would have) been born

What would God say the morning before the $#*% hit the fan?

Last summer, my life was the picture of stability — we had just bought a house, and every picture frame and throw pillow was in its place. Our schedules were filled with the usual business trips and dentist appointments, and we were expecting another child.

…And then within a month, everything went from steady and stable, to a rickety, nausea-inducing carnival ride that seemed to plummet off the rails.

( The only thing leaving me more shaken than the actual turn of events, was what God had said the morning before they unfolded…)

Continue reading What would God say the morning before the $#*% hit the fan?

I’m giving in to God… (An announcement to my readers)

This isn’t the first time God has asked me to do something a little crazy.

There was the time He asked me to give up my idyllic life in suburbia to move to NYC… Twice. There was the time my marriage imploded and God asked me to stay with husband, and another time, when God prompted me to give – literally every cent I had – to the church. Possibly even crazier, is that God had asked me to write through it all on this blog!

In the last three years, I have written through the darkest days of depression, and when divorce seemed inevitable. I’ve lost a baby on this blog, and have written about my tumultuous relationship with my father. I’ve even written extensively about porn! (joy.)

But now, God is asking me to do something that challenges me even further, and to my very core:

….To write a blog post every week for a year.

Continue reading I’m giving in to God… (An announcement to my readers)

Three hundred dollars, a giggle & a selfie

We’re starting a church in New York City and we’d like to start an account for all the money we have received, we told the bank teller.

“Of course, how much would you like to transfer?” the woman behind the desk, inquired of our ‘growing’ church plant fund.

To which we replied, Three hundred and thirty dollars…

I let out a giggle. (I giggle when I’m nervous.) And I was nervous for good reason: three hundred dollars is barely enough to start a successful lemonade stand, let alone a sustainable church!

But as we exited the bank that day (and while the kind lady who helped us was likely telling her colleagues about the couple, bless their hearts, with the measly ‘car payment and a half’ allotted to start a church in one of the most expensive cities in the country…) we stopped at the doors and did something surprising: we took a selfie.

Yes, a selfie… To chronicle all the fear and expectancy we are feeling, yet don’t have the words to describe. To document this moment in time; where we are stepping out to do what God has asked us to do, all while lacking pretty much everything we need to do it.

Yet it is in this season of lacking – when we in no way have what we need – that I have never been more certain this is exactly where God wants me to be (and it could be where God wants you as well!)

After all, it’s where God wanted Gideon.

Continue reading Three hundred dollars, a giggle & a selfie

I wanted a boring life (but God’s not listening)

I didn’t ask God for much. I wanted to get my Master’s degree in teaching, get married to a man who wasn’t a pastor, and have three kids by the time I was thirty. I wanted to live in suburbia till death do us part, and in close proximity to a Walmart. (I love a good Walmart.)

Might sound simple to you, maybe even boring, but it’s the life my heart desired to live.

…But God is (so obviously) not listening.

Continue reading I wanted a boring life (but God’s not listening)

The most meaningful lesson about God (And arguably, one of the most painful)

God has a tendency of uprooting my life. Just when I feel like I can take a breath, make a friend or two, or even try to do something exceptionally nutty and try to have a baby or something, God decides to throw my eggs in the creek.

Let me explain…

Continue reading The most meaningful lesson about God (And arguably, one of the most painful)

Proclaiming God’s promises, anyway.

When I found out I was pregnant, they were sure I was having a miscarriage.

…But we prayed. We desperately begged the Lord for a miracle, and clung to His promises believing, God’s way is perfect, and we can trust everything He does. (Psalm 18:30, Psalm 33:4)

I had written those two verses in the palm of my hand the day I went in for my second ultrasound. I must have been repeating them so loudly in my head, because the Ultrasound Technician nearly jolted me off the table when she took hold of my arm to point out the tiny little heartbeat, flickering away on the screen.

There was my baby, healthy as can be! (And that flickering heartbeat, is now my 5-year-old self-professed superhero, whirling around me as I type.)

It was a miracle.

This time though… this time, was different…

“Krista.” the nurse on the other line said pointedly upon me answering the phone. “Krista… You are pregnant…”

Continue reading Proclaiming God’s promises, anyway.

The woman I want to be

Confession: It’s hard for me to let my daughter play in the driveway, or allow her to let go of my hand in the grocery store without so palpably, believing something is going to go terribly wrong.

I check the locks multiple times a night, and I can’t tell you the last time I spoke a dream out loud. Not because I don’t have dreams (…at least I think I still have dreams…) but because deep down a part of me believes God might shoot them down like a spiked volleyball, the moment I find the courage to speak them into existence.

— Why? Because I am jaded. I am fearful. And I am coming out of such a difficult season that was so bad for so long, that I find myself struggling to embrace the good, without looking over my shoulder anticipating the next ruthless reality, that may sneak its way in and devour everything I have worked so hard for.

And yet recently, I have felt God lovingly inviting me to do something so ludicrous that my jaded heart can barely comprehend it….

3 words that are equally terrific as they are terrifying — “Enjoy your life”

Continue reading The woman I want to be