The woman I want to be

Confession: It’s hard for me to let my daughter play in the driveway, or allow her to let go of my hand in the grocery store without so palpably, believing something is going to go terribly wrong.

I check the locks multiple times a night, and I can’t tell you the last time I spoke a dream out loud. Not because I don’t have dreams (…at least I think I still have dreams…) but because deep down a part of me believes God might shoot them down like a spiked volleyball, the moment I find the courage to speak them into existence.

— Why? Because I am jaded. I am fearful. And I am coming out of such a difficult season that was so bad for so long, that I find myself struggling to embrace the good, without looking over my shoulder anticipating the next ruthless reality, that may sneak its way in and devour everything I have worked so hard for.

And yet recently, I have felt God lovingly inviting me to do something so ludicrous that my jaded heart can barely comprehend it….

3 words that are equally terrific as they are terrifying — “Enjoy your life

 

“Enjoy the life I have restored in you. Dream, embrace, and laugh without fear of the future,” God keeps saying.

To which I have replied,

…ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Surely, God remembers how impossibly jaded I am these days? Doesn’t He know all the ways I have been let down, gotten my hopes up and had my heart crushed? Now what? I am just supposed to go on enjoying my life like nothing happened?!?

Doesn’t He understand how dysfunctional I am? I see babies as liabilities, and salad bowls and napkin holders as a far-cry from preparing a couple for the reality of marriage. I mean, didn’t God watch as I packed my bags for my vacation this week, only to first and foremost print off my Will and Testament?

I’m a jaded mess. And I’m obviously physically incapable of enjoying anything (even a vacation!), I told God one morning.

But then God introduced me to a woman who was just as jaded as me. Her name was Sarah. A woman who was well past the age of having children, and who God revealed something (equally stupid) to her — that she would soon have a son.

In Genesis 18:12 her response to God was much like mine when God told me to enjoy my life (minus the word ‘freaking’)

It says,  “[Sarah] laughed silently to herself and said, ‘How can a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure?’” And then proceeded to give God some (really solid) reasons why His promise could never happen, not for her at least.

We do the same, don’t we?

We tell God we are too worn out. Too young. Too jaded. Too uneducated. Too inadequate. — and all the other reasons we are just out of reach of God’s promises.

Don’t you remember what happened to me, God? 

The people who took advantage of me?  The mistakes I made, and the dreams that were stolen? 

How could what was lost ever be restored? How could that dream ever come true?

How could I ever again enjoy such pleasure, after all that I have been through?

And here’s how the Lord responds (to Sarah and to us):

“…Is there anything too hard for the Lord?”

God goes on to make a promise, “I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son…”Genesis 18:14

Which got me thinking this week: What is God asking me to believe isn’t too Hard for Him to do? What is He nudging us to do that is more than we feel capable of doing on our own, and that has us laughing silently like Sarah, because, um… yeah right God.

For Sarah it was believing God would give her a son. For me, it is accepting the invitation to enjoy the life God has restored in me, wholeheartedly and without fear of the future.

Secondly I thought of this:

What would my life look like a year from now, if I chose to believe that nothing is too hard for God is this area of my life?

Who would I be, and what would I have in my possession that I don’t currently have, if God were to return this time next year to find me believing His promises (no matter how outlandish they may be) just like Sarah — Because that’s the woman I want to be!

365 days from now, I want God to find me walking in His presence and not cowering in my shortcomings. I want Him to find me enjoying my life and living in my potential, even if today both of those things feel impossibly far from my reach.

I want Him to finding me dreaming big and loving boldly. Embracing this wild adventure God has me on so much, that I wake before the sun rises in anticipation for the day ahead. So hell-bent on making the most of every moment, that I open up the windows when its raining, and am so captivated with what I have that I no longer desire what I don’t.

A year from now, I want God to look down from heaven and smile when I’ve gladly let the dishes wait and the laundry remain unfolded, because I am too busy sitting on the porch savoring the sunset and getting lost in my dreams about the future (maybe even going as far as to speak them out loud!)

But that’s not the woman I am today — far from it, if I’m honest!

but that’s the kind of woman God is (still) inviting me to be, no matter the jaded state of my heart.

Afterall, Is there anything too hard for the Lord?

Who do you want to be a year from now? 

What have you given up believing could ever be within your reach?

What is God asking you to believe isn’t too hard for Him to do?

 

*Speaking of enjoying my life… I am taking a couple of weeks off writing because my husband and I are headed to London for a kid-less vacay (!!!!!!!!) I think its safe to say after moving five times in the last three years (and to three different states) cough* not to mention that one time we nearly got divorced * that we deserve this vacation more than we even realize. And my goal is to ENJOY every second of it.

…Well first, I have to finish my Will and Testament… THEN I will enjoy it 😉

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7 thoughts on “The woman I want to be”

  1. You inspire me. I know who you are through my daughter and she loves you and Ricky. Just incase, my daughter is Stacey. Enjoy your life, what a wonderful, fulfillable dream!

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  2. Hello,

    Krista I cried reading this weeks post. All the fears you have ,I have, all the questions you have I have It has been so hard to feel happy and to not be afraid to let go of my daughters hand or to think in growing old with my sick husband. Happiness is not something I will ever use in my vocabulary or have in my mind because I don’t feel it , don’t get me wrong I feel happy when I see my daughter and her accomplishments but to describe myself as a happy person will be just lying. But you have inspire me, and I will join you in the 365 challenge of trusting and believing that happiness can be part of us. So please give me all the tips, ideas and suggestions. I think that your faith is making me have faith that I will be ok. Have a great vacation! Maria

    Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2016 11:33:07 +0000 To: mfmf_28@hotmail.com

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  3. Your honesty always speaks to my heart. I reread this post today to remind myself of the woman I want to be. Thank you. I know it’s not easy to share and open yourself to the critical words that might come at you, but know that this day they red my weary soul.

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