It started around 9am, Just long enough for me to sit down with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath in the name of starting (yet another) day.
… And then it began.
Those of you who know me, know that I am truly one of the most chill human beings. Like chill to the point that I don’t even flinch when my wedding was running 45 minutes late, or when my daughter eats potato chips off the pavement in NYC!
… But THIS. This loud drilling outside my window that was literally rattling every sq inch of my apartment had me struggling to hold it together!
I tried to stay calm, and tried with all my might to distract myself …when the drilling was in the living room, I looked at it as a great excuse to get some dishes done in the kitchen… When the drilling followed me into the kitchen, I moved into the bedroom to fold some clothes…
But without fail, the drilling followed me EVERYWHERE!!!!
I held my composure beautifully
… until nap-time!
If you aren’t familiar with this nap-time that I speak of, it’s the mom’s equivalent of ‘Girls Night’ minus the blood orange margaritas and the little black dress! Nap-time is oftentimes a mother’s only time to unwind, to feel human again (if only for a moment) and to simply do whatever the heck she wants! (Can I get an amen?!?!)
However today’s nap-time would be experiencing a ‘remix’ of sorts thanks to the drilling that was going on IN HER ROOM! And while the ‘original nap-time tune’ was MUCH more to my liking (and may or may not have included watching reruns of Sex and the City and attempting to apply fake eyelashes…) I embraced it as much as I could muster, and turned on every fan in an attempt to drown out the sound, and brought my daughter into my room to lay down with her.
As if on cue, once my daughter had finally fallen asleep (…and my hand literally felt like it was going to detach from my wrist from rubbing her back for so long…) the drilling began AGAIN!!!
Insert: Full blown meltdown.
It is during that meltdown – and somewhere between thrashing around, and violently punching pillows – that I screamed out in frustration and said these exact words out loud to God…
“WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME!?!?!”
As soon as the words left my lips, Him and I both knew I was talking about much more than just construction! The words I said were few, but loaded!
They confronted God head-on asking,
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHY DID YOU ALLOW my heart to be broken?
I have followed you DEVOTEDLY, I have loved you PASSIONATELY… WHY would a “God of love” allow this to happen to ME?!
Though it was far from pretty, this was the first time (in a long time) that I had spoken directly to God. Like Reeeeeally spoken to Him!
You see, I had said my ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’ and prayed before asking to pass the salt at dinner… I always bowed my head (without peeking) during church, and have thanked Him endlessly for the apartment He gave me… but even still, I had yet to confront God about the current state of my life – the seemingly irreparable state of my heart!
A little harmless construction was all it took for me to be truly honest with the Lord…
The question is, What’s it going to take for YOU to be honest with the Lord?
Jesus says, “…Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-19
Though we may not realize it, our God doesn’t turn away from our heartbreak, our tough questions, and at times our confrontational attitude. On the contrary, He invites it!
He goes even further to say (directly to only me of course, and to my current state of unwind) “…Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”
Come to me… I will give you rest.
Let me teach you… I can be trusted.
I don’t know about you, but I so badly need rest… and even more, someone I can trust.
And though last week, we may have admirably decided to stop running FROM God, I realized that it’s just as much about running TO Him…
To throw yourself at His feet when life gets ‘noisy’ and problems arise at the most inopportune times. When there seems to be nowhere to escape, and problems seemingly follow you everywhere!
To come to Him, raw, messy, and unedited. Ask the tough questions. Scream. Cry. Demand answers. Punch Pillows, and say things that would get you kicked out of church!
Our God can handle it, ALL of it! No matter how ‘heavy’ the burden!
… And once our heart rate levels out and our voice lowers, (apologize to the pillow…) and let Him teach us.
Let Him teach us to love, to trust, and to pick up the broken pieces once again.
Let His strength take the weight that is crushing your spirit, the burden that each day threatens to tear the little you have left from your grasp. Let Him speak words of ‘gentlesness’ in a world that has unapologetically dealt it’s harshest hand. Let the God who was miraculously raised from the dead, work on your behalf to breathe life into your weary soul, and rebuild all that has been unfairly stripped away.
You see, it’s just as much about not running FROM God, as it is to decide – with every ounce we have left – to run TO Him!
For Our God can be trusted…
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. -Isaiah 30:18
8 thoughts on ““The Meltdown” A Memoir”
Once again, you make me think. And I wonder how to find the balance between “waiting for His help” and “running TO him”. How much of it is on me to “RUN TO” and how much can I allow myself to “wait for”… I guess I will keep asking Him.
Thank you for every post you write…You are being used by God and I thank Him for you right now.
He can handle those questions too… 😉 Thanks for your constant encouragement Bev!
I couldn’t find my children in the woods yesterday and it was sheer panic, not something I normally resort to either. All I could say was “Oh God, Oh God!” I realized my deep, and my pathetic need for Him.
Reblogged this on lampinthedarkness.
It is in these moments when God teaches us total dependence on Him, because without Him, there is no one to put us back together after our meltdowns, after our brokenness, after our despair. We don’t know where or how God is moving to bring about whatever His plan is and this is where total dependence on God lays. I hope and pray you will be able to see the journey you are going through someday and see how God orchestrated all this for His honor and glory and for your sanctification.
Thank you SO much for this post. I had the worst week ever last week (well, in a long, long time, anyway). I had fallen three times (wed/thu/fri), peed myself a couple times (I can’t believe I’m admitting this on YOUR blog), went to the ED (who ever changed it from ER to ED!?! whatever.) in the Camas Fire Dept. Ambulance (and they sent the bill the very.next.day!) but I remember getting SO MAD at God because He didn’t help me. I cried out as I was falling, and He didn’t send a miracle. So I got pissed (while sitting in it too, sorry, TMI) and swore and asked WHY?!? But at the end of the storm, I found beauty in it…so many people reached out to me and blessed me and are/were there for me. I am NOT alone…I am not immune because I’ve been through worse, I don’t get a free pass for trials, even though some think I should be (lol, seriously, right?!?). I just rest in Him and RUN to Him because that’s the only running I can do right now. Choices. I choose to take it one day at a time, sometimes I just have to take one moment, one breath at a time. I’ll get through this. As Max Lucado said, You’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don’t be foolish or naive. But don’t despair either. With God’s help, you will get through this. Peace out. (well, that last part was my own addition, lol) love you girl, jewels ❤
Thank you for sharing your heart Julie. I am so comforted knowing that I am not the only one who has -in a moment filled to the max with emotion- shaken my fist at God. And How cool it is when he opens our eyes later to the blessings he has for us in the midst of it! Thanks again for sharing. And for accepting my apology for not posting pictures of my new apartment yet! 🙂