[ Originally posted 2/18/2014 – When my heart broke. ]
This Valentines Day, I watched while you indulged in gourmet chocolates from a tulle wrapped box, how surprised you were to find a beautiful bouquet awaiting you on the counter in the morning.
I saw the dishes you ordered from your favorite restaurant and the sweet valentines that are still covering your refrigerator…
But that’s not what Valentine’s Day had in store for me this year.
February 14, 2014 left me blind-sighted and broken-hearted.
Before you decide not to read another word of my sob story (and before you come to your senses and realize your time could be better spent reading someone else’s far more eloquent words) I wanted to share something God brought to light about this weary and broken, heart of mine:
It started when I awoke to hear my daughter whimpering in her bed.
When like any parent, I instinctively made my way to her side only to find her sheets sopping wet around her. Still groggy and disoriented, I swept her up in my arms and made my way to the bathroom to get her cleaned up.
Moments later, after her cries had settled and her flailing limbs were wrapped in the warmth of a towel, I held her close and whispered the sincerest apology; knowing full well that both of us were opposed to baths before sunrise and before the coffee had been brewed.
It was then, that I fully expected my usually rambunctious toddler, to break from my arms, and run naked towards the living room squealing in delight at the thought of her triumphant escape! But she didn’t.
Willingly she stayed wrapped in my arms, the weight of her head resting deliberately on my chest. She never flinched.
Alarmed, I held my palm to her forehead checking for a temperature….
Perplexed, I studied every inch, every limb, in attempt to find what was wrong….
When it became apparent, tears instantly welled in my eyes…
My precious little girl had been listening attentively to the sound of my heartbeat – likely, for the first time since she was born!
I watched her as she listened, taking note of the familiarity the sound of my heart brought. The comfort she found in its unending rhythm, how captivated she was by it’s strength.
How could that be? My world had been rocked, my heart had been shaken – I was a far-cry from the strong woman I was all those years ago!
But as I watched her listen intently to each beat, I realized not only was she the only person who truly knew the sound of my heart, but that to her it was still as recognizably strong as ever.
Even after all this time, and even amid my current heartbreak.
As I held her head close to that weary heart of mine, there was no resisting the tears that swept down my cheeks.
I was overwhelmed with gratitude knowing my heart – and my God, had never failed me! Overwhelmed knowing that even when our hearts are crushed and our spirits are most feeble, that there will always be a part of us – up until our very last breath – that will remain strangely strong.
Even when we feel we can’t endure any longer, that there will always be something alive and thriving deep within us, even still.
Like a soothing lullaby from our Creator, each beat makes sweet promises: that if He was able to preserve our heart through the pain of the past, He will sustain it through the uncertainty of the future.
And in my case, He will have to…
But while the cruelest hand the world can deal, may succeed in taking every material thing I have worked so hard for. While it has unapologetically torn the one I vowed to love from my grasp and cold-heartedly crushed every dream I fought so courageously for…
There is no denying the enduring power and undoubtable strength,
of this weary and terribly broken,
heart of mine.
“Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.” Luke 1:37
“When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn’t be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening—even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will.” Psalm 32:1-4