It’s time to set this place on fire. (I need to speak with the King.)

It was New Year’s Eve, four years ago, that my life was launched into a disorienting plague-like set of misfortunes that would rattle my faith and leave me reeling.

It was then that I scribbled a secret declaration to myself and God in my journal. Because of what I was enduring and how cruel it all felt, I vowed: either I would silence my voice forever (never writing, preaching, or even posting on social media again) or, one day, I would come back louder and more honest than ever before and burn the whole place down with my honesty.

For years I have chosen silence… this abandoned blog is only part of the extent of that decision… 

but this year I’m trying something different. 

In 2024 I choose fire.

Tucked away in the Bible is a wild story with an invitation to set some things on fire, and with it, hope that our proximity to God might change if we did.

In 2 Samuel, a man named Absalom is hiding, similar to the way I have been hiding over the last few years. It is during this time that the king, his father, decides to send for him, bringing him to the city of Jerusalem. 

But that’s when something confusing happens….

The king brings him there, but why?

2 Samuel 14:28 says, “Absalom lived in Jerusalem for two years, but he never got to see the king.”

To say Absalom was confused is an understatement. Absalom would send messages asking for his father, but he would not come. Even when he tried to have others intercede on his behalf, the king still refused.

It had been years… yet Absalom never, not once, saw the king. Instead, the king brought Absalom to a place, only to–confusingly and infuriatingly–leave him there, for years. With not a single word spoken. (And I feel like God has done the same to me these past 4 years. Maybe you feel the same way.)

It’s been years since my life was rattled and my heart shaken during those dark and disorienting days of 2020. Worse than that, I’m still in that dark room, reeling. Reeling for revelation of God’s heart in this, reeling with questions–what, if anything, could be the purpose in all of this? But I hear nothing. 

God brought me here, and confusingly and infuriatingly it feels like He has left me here, with not a word spoken. 

For the record, I believe in a God near to the brokenhearted, yet I’ve learned there are some things God will allow us to walk through where we won’t be able to find even a passing shadow of His loving presence. (For a time at least.)

I believe in a God who holds the power to still the waves and the wind no matter how tumultuous they may be, but I have watched how, despite my boldest and most unceasing prayers, He didn’t.

I see how scripture models for us how we can cry out to God for wisdom and understanding. Yet, I have sat on the receiving end of God’s silence for years now, without a single revelatory word spoken around why He allowed what He did, or more frustrating, why He continues to have zero urgency in setting things right moving forward (despite all the lovely prayers prayed and people who have laid hands on me.)

It’s been years… and I have not heard God nor seen His presence in my circumstances, and, quite frankly, I’m infuriated about it. Perhaps you are as well. 

The good news is, we aren’t the only ones infuriated that we are being put off and seemingly ignored. Absalom was too, and as the passage continues, we watch the great lengths he went to *finally* get the king’s attention when quite literally, he set some things on fire. 

2 Samuel 14:30 says that after being put off by the king for years, ‘… Absalom said to his servants, “” Go and set fire to Joab’s field….’ so they set his field on fire as Absalom commanded.” Later in the passage when others inquire why he would do such an unruly and outlandishly out-of-bounds thing like setting the king’s military commander’s field on fire, Absalom’s response is both epic and simple:  “I need to speak with the king.” (verses 31-32)

I love that. I need to speak with the King. (Me too, Absalom. Me too.)

In short, Absalom was saying, clear the king’s calendar, I refuse to be ignored any longer. I will do whatever it takes to find the king even if it means setting some things on fire…. And this year I feel the same way.

For years I have chosen silence and hiding. I thought that was the appropriate, well-behaved-little Christian thing to do (especially when your angst is with God–more on this later.) I have searched relentlessly for God in this confusing place where He’s led me.… I thought for sure I would have heard something from Him by now, or better yet, that I would’ve watched His redemption sweep over my darkest days…but nothing. My continued silence has only been met with His.

But then there was that other option, God reminded me. Remembering back to the words I had penned in my journal four years ago: silence my voice forever OR burn the whole place down with my honesty… 

And this year I feel God welcoming the latter.

“Choose fire.” I can feel God saying, “Set this place ablaze with your honesty, my child.  I welcome it, I can handle it, and more than that, I will meet you there with compassion.”  

(It’s what the king did with Absalom.)

2 Samuel 14:33 says after Absalom set some things on fire, “Then at last [the king] summoned Absalom, who came and bowed low before the king, and the king kissed him.” 

Because he was willing to do whatever it took–even something unruly and outlandish–Absalom was reunited with the king. At last, and after all the years, he was finally ushered back into the king’s presence and on the receiving end of the king’s kindness. And all because he dared to set some things on fire. And God is inviting me to do the same. Even if it’s only to set fire figuratively with my honesty (though mark my words, it will be no less explosive.)

While I’ve written through a wide range of raw and unedited topics on this blog over the years (pornography, my near divorce in 2014, miscarriage(s), and my ever-evolving and dissolving relationship with my father, to name a few)

This time, the mess God is inviting me to write through are my issues with Him… *gulp*.

Even still, God is unflinching.

And while there may be curse words hurled, punches thrown, and topics covered that may have me regretting having gone that far or saying that out loud, I can honestly say that if it means that, at last, I too, could see the King in my current circumstances, if it means that after all these years of separation and dissention, that I could bask in His loving presence again, or come to understand why it all had to be this way (or at the very least, that I could see some good come from it)…if there’s –even a chance–that my (at times fiery) honesty could break through His silence, then it will be worth it. At the very least it will be cathartic.

All I know is I’m not waiting around another year to be summoned any longer.

2024 is the year I’m taking things into my own hands.

It’s time… light the match…  I need to speak with the King. 

Next Post: Where do I even begin?