When I found out I was pregnant, they were sure I was having a miscarriage.
…But we prayed. We desperately begged the Lord for a miracle, and clung to His promises believing, God’s way is perfect, and we can trust everything He does. (Psalm 18:30, Psalm 33:4)
I had written those two verses in the palm of my hand the day I went in for my second ultrasound. I must have been repeating them so loudly in my head, because the Ultrasound Technician nearly jolted me off the table when she took hold of my arm to point out the tiny little heartbeat, flickering away on the screen.
There was my baby, healthy as can be! (And that flickering heartbeat, is now my 5-year-old self-professed superhero, whirling around me as I type.)
It was a miracle.
This time though… this time, was different…
“Krista.” the nurse on the other line said pointedly upon me answering the phone. “Krista… You are pregnant…”
I stayed silent on the other end of the line, thoughts racing through my head. Not because we weren’t trying to get pregnant (we had wanted another baby for four years!) But because I knew what she didn’t know: I had been bleeding for weeks!
Fear, like a rushing wave, swept over me.
In the weeks to follow, there would be ultrasounds, biopsy’s, and blood work.
…. MORE ultrasounds…
….and so. much. more. blood work!
Again, we prayed. We begged the Lord for a miracle — believing He could do it again if He wanted.
…but this time, sadly, there would be no miracle.
Instead, three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a (very dangerous) Ectopic Pregnancy. Losing the baby was unavoidable. Potecting my own life was now at the forefront.
It was then, that the question was posed: Is God’s plan still perfect? Can I trust everything He is doing — even in a moment like this?
As I sat in a dark room staring at my reflection in the window, I watched as nurses and doctors rushed in around me. I watched at they robed themselves with shields and gloves to protect themselves from the chemo — the poison they would be directly injecting into my body, that would ultimately kill my baby and save my life.
It was this, or surgery to remove the baby (and with it my fallopian tube.) There were no other options, and “absolutely no time to waste” the doctor had explained.
This is not the way it was supposed to be… I thought to myself as they began administering the chemo, my hands balled-up in a fist by my side, tears streaming down my face.
Moments later, I loosened my grip to find eleven words staring straight up at me… I had penned them on the palm of my hand earlier that morning, just like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter. Barely legible (and in this dark moment, barely believable) they read: God’s way is perfect, and we can trust everything He does.
“Do you trust every-single-thing I am doing in your life —even now?” I could feel God asking, as the poison ran hot through my veins, “…Do you believe My plan for your life is indisputably perfect, no matter how painful?”
The truth is, in that moment, I didn’t know…. But I made a pivotal decision: To proclaim God’s promises, anyway.
Two of the most indisputable words in the english language are ‘Perfect’ and ‘Everything.’ So when God says, ‘His way is perfect’ He is literally saying His plan for our life – no matter how painful – is without a single flaw. (Without ONE flaw, people! #MindBlowing.)
Not only that, when God declares that we can trust everything He does, He is saying just that! We can trust every-single-thing He is doing in our lives, no matter how dysfunctional or disastrous it may feel in the moment.
It’s a ballsy thing for God to promise… but let me tell you, it’s an even harder thing to believe.
A hard thing to believe when ultrasounds aren’t met with the hope and heartbeats we prayed for. When biopsy’s uncover scary test results, and you are pricked and prodded and feel like God has a personal vendetta against your womb (when for so many others, having a baby is as simple as picking a paint color!)
But when God is (frustratingly) quiet, and a very real part of us worries if He can really be trusted will — we choose to proclaim God’s promises, anyway?
Will we squeeze our eyes shut and repeat His promises over and over in our head and heart, when we secretly lack the faith to believe they could ever be true.
When we don’t understand — WHAT THE H — God is doing, and why it all has to hurt so bad, will we pen God’s promises in the palm of our hand, even if we can barely utter the words of them through our tears.
I don’t know what has ravaged your heart and left you reeling. It could be minuscule compared to what I have been through this last month, or it could very well put my heartache to shame. What I do know is this, whether today’s uncertainty is met with the miracle we have been begging for, or the outcome we most dread, God promises we can trust every-single-thing He is doing in our lives.
Even when we would rather be anywhere other than in the mess we are in today, God promises — In His perfect plan — we are exactly where He always knew we would be.
No matter how chaotic…. no matter how (seemingly) hopeless… our world is held by a God who knows what He is doing.
It’s barely comprehendible sometimes, I know —
but I want Him to find me proclaiming those promises, anyway.
God’s way is perfect. (Psalm 18:30)
We can trust everything He does. (Psalm 33:4)