Krista – Page 10 – Krista Ortiz

From My Weary Heart To Yours

I was shaken abruptly from my slumber. Just as quickly, the ‘seatbelt sign’ dinged on and the stewardess postponed drink orders while the pilot made apologies in advanced for the bumps that lay ahead.

The woman next to me took a deep breath and tightly grasped the arm rest, I could almost hear her thoughts…

… Please Lord, I want to get married! …don’t take me now God! I want to have children!…

I smiled to myself, closed my eyes, and eased into the comfort of my seat. Not because I hadn’t felt the same way before, but because oh, how effective a little turbulence is at weighing the status of our lives.

And while my flight was nearly being jostled into oblivion, I realized…

I just don’t give a damn.

Take me now Lord Jesus!

You see, for the last two weeks that I have been MIA since writing ‘This Weary Heart of Mine,” I have started (and given up on) over 6 self-help books. I have also avoided exactly 11 phone calls, and avoided nearly the equivalent in panic attacks.

I have cried myself to sleep, raised my voice in a restaurant (Once again!) and have used my ‘labor breathing techniques’ to physically resist the urge to punch someone in the face.

I am numb, I am heartbroken, and I deeply regret the two strong margaritas that unfortunately did little more than give me a headache and give my husband a piece of my mind (further explaining the said “raised voice in a restaurant”)

And the truth is, I am in a dark place.

So dark even, that in my insecurity I have wondered if I am too far out of God’s reach. If it’s even humanly possible to be as small as I feel, and if because of it, the Lord is unable to see me in my desperation. If this pain, caused by the hands of another, is the final blow that will have me ushered out of the ring never to return the same again…

But then I remember you, our beloved readers. Those of you all over the world, that have shared with us your stories, your heartbreak, and expressed your deepest yearning for miraculous healing over your most secret struggles.

I know if there was a base you could run to where you would finally be “safe,” that though you are terribly exhausted and out of breath, you would get there as fast as you possibly could!

If there was a debt you could pay to make it all disappear, I know you would pay it no matter the cost!

Even if it meant you’d be given only the smallest of guarantees, I know it would be enough for you to hang in there just a little longer…

But alas! It is out of your hands, and out of your control. You are up against a wall, in over you head, and with such dire circumstances looming that you aren’t sure how – or if – you will ever make it through.

I am with you…

Heartbroken,

hopeless,

and mad as hell!

… And I need Jesus more than ever.

And after two long weeks I am ready to put down the ‘Ben and Jerry’s’… and write. What exactly? I am not sure.

But with vulnerability as my voice, and God as my strength I will see this storm through.

I will fight to remind myself that even when I feel so far from God, that He is NEAR to my broken heart. (Psalm 34:18)

That when it seems my greatest plans have derailed and cliff dived into a horrific nightmare, that His – even greater plans for me – are PERFECT (Psalm 18:30)

That when my troubles are mounting, my life is crumbling, and there seems to be no hope in sight, that My God will not only meet me there in the shambles, but will OVERCOME the impossible! (John 16:33)

Dear weary readers,

There is no denying the very real war that is being waged over our souls! And yet, there also is no denying the strength of the God we serve!

I love how Perry Noble puts it when he says, “…He is a grave-robbing, water-walking, miracle-working, death-defying God, so NEVER give up! He’s about to blow your flippin’ mind!”

All that to say, may the Lord “Blow our flipping’ minds!” … ideally, before we lose them! 🙂

***And in the case that you can’t get past the fact that I cursed…

Feel free to check back here the moment the turbulence doesn’t faze you…

We will get along much better then! 😉

This Weary Heart Of Mine

This Valentines Day, I watched while you indulged in gourmet chocolates from a tulle wrapped box, and how surprised you were when a beautiful bouquet was awaiting you on the counter… I saw the sweet valentines that are still covering your refrigerator, and the dishes you ordered from your favorite restaurant…

But that’s not what Valentines Day had in store for me this year…

My Valentines day left me blind-sighted and broken-hearted.

BUT before you decide not to read another word of my sob story, and before you come to your senses and realize your time could be better spent reading someone else’s (far more eloquent) words… I wanted to share with you something God brought to light about this weary heart of mine.

It started when I awoke to hear my daughter whimpering in her bed. When like any parent, I instinctively made my way to her side only to find that her sheets were sopping wet around her. Still groggy and disoriented, I can remember sweeping her up in my arms and making my way to the bathroom to get her cleaned up.

Moments later, after her cries had settled and her flailing limbs were wrapped in the warmth of a towel, I held her close and whispered the sincerest apology – knowing full well that both of us were opposed to baths before sunrise, and before the coffee had been brewed!

It was around that time that I fully expected my usually rambunctious toddler, to break from my arms – NAKED and running towards the living room squealing in delight at the thought of her triumphant escape!

… But she didn’t. Willingly she would stay, wrapped in my arms, the weight of her head resting deliberately on my chest.

Alarmed, I held my palm to her forehead checking for a temperature… she never flinch.

When it became apparent what she was doing the tears instantly welled in my eyes! My precious little girl was listening attentively to the sound of my heartbeat! Likely for the first time since she was born!

I studied her as she listened and saw the familiarity the sound of my heart brought, the comfort she found in its unending rhythm, how captivated she was by it’s strength...

… STRENGTH?! How could that be? My heart was weak and shaken – a far cry from the strength it possessed all those years ago!

But as I watched her listen intently to each beat I realized, not only was she the only person who truly knew the sound of my heart, but that to her, it was still as recognizably strong as ever! Even after all this time, and even amidst my current brokenness!

As I held her head close to that weary heart of mine, there was no resisting the tears that swept down my cheeks…

I was overwhelmed with gratitude knowing that ~~My heart~~ … MY GOD had never failed me!

Overwhelmed knowing that even when our hearts are crushed and our spirits are most feeble, that there will always be a part of us, up until our very last breath, that will remain strangely strong! That even when we feel we can’t endure any longer, that there will always be something alive and thriving deep within us, even still.

Like a soothing lullaby from our Creator, each beat makes sweet promises that if He was able to preserve our heart through the pain of the past, that He will indeed sustain it through the paralyzing uncertainty and fear of the future.

While the cruelest hand the world can deal may succeed in taking every material thing I have worked so hard for… while it may unapologetically and cold-heartedly tear the ones I love from my grasp, and crush every dream that I have fought so courageously for…

There is NO denying

the enduring power,

and undoubtable strength,

of this ever weary heart of mine!

“Come to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.” Luke 1:37

“When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn’t be afraid of anything. Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening—even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will” Ps 32:1-4

If You Trust God, Why Are You Still Talking About It?

I have my Dad to thank for some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

Growing up he taught me you could never be too picky about boys or cars (and that Ford’s were out of the question!) He told me to find a man who loves his mom, and that “you are only in trouble if you get caught” the night he spotted me out of the corner of his eye, piling hoards of toilet paper and silly string into my car all while making empty promises that I was “NOT going t-peeing!”

But one day his light-hearted encouragement changed to a different tune.

I remember the night he sat across from me in a dimly lit restaurant. He knew full well what was going on in my life at the time, but had invited me out that night because he wanted to hear it from me!

My words were almost apologetic, though there was nothing I could take back even if I wanted to. I was just a girl whose life in no way resembled the dreams I imagine my father had hoped for me all those years ago…

And for that I felt like a failure.

He listened intently, nodding in affirmation as I shared about the unfavorable hand life had dealt me, while not saying much in return. Yet the few words he did speak were ones I will never forget…

After ‘surveying the damage’ he asked poignantly, “So what if it gets WORSE?!”

I was taken aback by his callousness.

…Worse?!? I struggled to grasp where he was going with this, and wondered whether he knew that his attempt at encouragement was terribly backfiring.

I stumbled over my words as I searched for the right response to his seemingly cold-hearted question. “Well, I mean… I guess I’d just have to trust God then wouldn’t I?” I said sarcastically as if to dismiss his absurdity.

“Do you trust Him now?”

“Of course Dad!” I snapped defensively, dropping my fork with a clank, not caring who around me heard.

“If you trust Him, then why are you still talking about it?”

(Silence.)

As a side note: oftentimes I question the validity of reality shows due to the fact that, “Who in their right mind would sob and scream in the middle of a restaurant?!?” But then I am always reminded of what occurred next…

The tears flowed freely…the wild bubbling of the lobster tank next to us couldn’t mask the heightening tone in my voice… the ‘ugly tears’ flowed causing my mascara to send trails down my cheeks… and I was forced to turn away and fidget with the salt shaker every time the waitress came by to refill our drinks, only to return to my Sob-Fest once she had left…

My Dad would go on to explain his position and remind me how much he loved me. He even hugged me tightly on our way out, though I stubbornly arched my back in resistance!

He acknowledged that he had made me ~~mad~~ furious… And he was right!

He was right about how infuriated I was – and whether I liked it or not at the time – he was right about the fact that if I indeed trusted God as much as I said I did, I wouldn’t feel the need to stew in my problems hopelessly!

It’s a tough pill to swallow but he’s right.

If we truly trusted God we’d stop talking about the hopelessness of our situation…

If we trusted God we’d confide more in Him and less in Google. And we would certainly dwell less on the statistics that are, or are not, in our favor…

If we trusted Him we wouldn’t insist on bringing our petition to Him frantically, over and over, as if He didn’t hear us the first time, the second time, the third time…well – who are we kidding? The BAZILLIONTH time!

There is an Italian saying, “Il bel far niente,” which means, “the beauty of doing nothing” and for years that has been my faith mantra every time my panic takes over and I attempt to do things in my own strength! (Though whether I chant it over and over while rocking back and forth in fetal position, is none of your business! 😉

This mantra reminds me to stop talking, stop controlling, stop manipulating the situation to work in my favor, and stop excusing my lack of faith under the guise that I am ‘weighing my options’…

It helps me remember that while I can say the right prayer over and over, have the best intentions, and hide behind the most eloquent blog post, that I can still lack a tremendous amount of faith! And that oftentimes the strongest test of faith is one where God asks you to do absolutely nothing!

In the Bible the Israelites were asked to do the same thing in a moment of complete desperation…

“…Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today…. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.“ – Exodus 14:13

God’s only requirement was that they stand still and watch His deliverance unfold!

In Psalm 46:10 again it says, “Be still and know that I am God.” (and in Krista’s Expanded Version – with added emphasis and a healthy dose of God-given attitude – it says, ‘put down the peanut butter, set aside the wine, get your butt off google, and FOR THE LOVE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT and know that He is God!’)

You see, last week we prayed for God to open our eyes…and whether or not we choose to believe it, He heard us. The first time!

He also wanted me to extend the message that He is eternally grateful for all the times we’ve felt the need to ~~repeat~~ …er, ‘better clarify’ our prayers to Him in our attempt at helping Him get it right, but that going forward, He only needs us to ‘stand still and remain calm.’

So together let’s lean into the uncertainty of the future, take a deep breath, and wait for the Lord to rescue us today.

And not a thing more!

…though if it takes us rocking back and forth in fetal position, I won’t judge! 🙂

The Prayer I Have Never Prayed

Last week I was the picture of strong faith.

I must have put a big smile on Gods face, when early in the week I sat in the same diner where I had once questioned God’s plan for my life (You remember the one: where what I lacked in faith, I stuffed my face with mediocre chocolate cake on the corner of 52nd and 8th)

This time however, I sat in the diner praising God between sips of coffee, and thanking Him for all the ways He has shown up for my family this last year. Even solemnly swearing to never allow my faith to ‘slip-up’ like that ever again!

… and surely it wouldn’t, I was much more seasoned now!

Later in the week, I gave some wise-beyond-my-years encouragement to some friends who were lacking in the ‘faith department,’ and gave them some pointers and a Bible passage that I had found just a couple of days earlier.

Verses that God must’ve brought to my attention for them, and so obviously, not for me! Right?!

… After all I was a frickin’ faith warrior!!

That is, until my lease agreement arrived in the mailbox.

I will spare you the details. Just know that there is NOTHING that will elevate a New Yorker’s stress level like an impending lease renewal!

There is only one major requirement for living in Manhattan – other than possessing a piss-poor attitude – and that’s money, money, (and according to my new lease) MORE money!

… More money than the non refundable $8,000 I had to put down on this apartment… more money than the monthly rent I pay that is DOUBLE my mortgage back home… more money for the apartment that has been at the source of my most traumatic posts and my need for therapy, thanks to 1.) Mice (PLURAL) 2.) The pure madness that ensues when one’s child gets the stomach flu and vomits on literally EVERYTHING and you don’t have a washer and dryer... Oh, memories.

I think you would agree, my apartment is NOT worth MORE!

… And those 3 pieces of paper awaiting our signatures, was all it took to throw me over the edge, and spiraling out of control into a fit of faithlessness! And since I am such an overachiever in my lack of faith, it was only fitting that my full-blown panic mode would lead me to question whether God even wanted me in New York City in the first place!

But then I remembered those verses that I had read this last week – the same verses I had humorously, believed God couldn’t possibly have had in mind for me! (Insert: dramatic scoff)

In 2 Kings 6:15-17 there is a story about Elisha and his servant.

When the servant got up early the next morning and went outside, there were troops, horses, and chariots everywhere. “Oh, what will we do now?” the young man cried to Elisha.

“Don’t be afraid! For there are more on our side than on theirs!”

Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young mans eyes, and when he looked up He saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.

Much like mine, the servants faith was shaken out of nowhere! One day he was going about his business (maybe even gloating at the ‘mighty faith warrior’ he saw staring back at him in the mirror…) and then all of a sudden he was crying out in overwhelming fear! And if he was like me, drowning his sorrows one spoonful of peanut butter at a time…

What struck me most though was Elisha’s prayer… a prayer that I had never prayed before!

A prayer for God to open our eyes when we are most fearful, and when we’re struggling see what He is doing in our lives. When worry, stress, and our lack of faith, have us THISCLOSE to giving up on the life God has so beautifully designed for us (at times, over only silly things like an increase in rent!)

When it seems that the troops are closing in and we feel hopeless at the circumstances ahead of us, a prayer asking the Lord to reveal to us – the even more powerful army – that He has ready to wage war over our dreams, and at times for our mere survival!

We need only look to Him…

It says that, “when [the servant] looked up he saw that the hillside was filled with horses and chariots of fire…”

It is when the servant took his eyes off of what was overwhelming him – and looked up – that he became less focused on what was threatening to take him down, and more focused on what the Lord had perfectly orchestrated to make him stand triumphant!

The truth is, these last few days I have stared dead-on at the circumstance ahead of me. The mascara has run… the peanut butter has been consumed… and unfortunately no matter how long I study the lease agreement the number never changes….

In my panic I have contemplated running from the very city that I know deep down God has called me to, and yet never once did I look up to Christ for the comfort and reassurance that I so desperately need! Never once have I prayed for the Lord to open my eyes, and wipe away every last ounce of faithlessness that has been clouding my vision of His perfect plan for my life!

Like Elisha said, “Don’t be afraid! For there are more on our side than on theirs!” So no matter the enormity of the troubles we are up against today, and no matter how hopeless we may feel, Our God has got this! And He will dominate anything that stands in the way of us and the life He has beautifully laid out for us! (… In much of the same way that the Seahawks DOMINATED the Broncos! Sorry, shameless plug! *Cough* GO HAWKS! Alright, back to Jesus–)

…And so I will look to the Lord and pray the prayer I have never prayed,

“Heavenly Father, Open our eyes…

And if next time you can remind me this truth BEFORE I put my foot in my mouth, all the better!” 😉

Marriage: This Is NOT What I Envisioned…

I don’t know about you, but the last few weeks have been a little chaotic around here.

There has been one massive NYC snow storm complete with 10 inches of snow and painfully low temperatures, 2 bouts of the flu, and an innumerable amount of diaper leaks… on my lap!

I have also – rather impressively I might add – gone through two boxes of Kleenex… of which the remnants are still scattered in and around my bed!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I caught my hair on fire while trying to light a candle, my daughter saw a picture of an elephant and called it “Mama,” and I tragically learned that ALL Fruit Loops are the exact same flavor! Oh, the cruelty!

All that to say that after two weeks of making a permanent home in my sweatpants, ordering takeout, rocking the messy bun (with special emphasis on messy!), and spending many days sprawled out on the couch watching countless episodes of ‘Scandal’ on Netflix, I came to realize something…

I am not as cool as I once was!

6 years ago, I was tan & toned, and I wore high heels more regularly than some brush their teeth! I had aspirations of putting meals on the table that would make Mario Batali swoon, and I believed that every outfit would be best accessorized with a coordinating bow for my daughter and a flawless coat of nail polish for me!

All this is laughable considering that my current chipped nails are tinged with yesterday’s blue play dough, and my daughter is running around – without a bow mind you – but with only one pigtail intact that looks more like a growth on the side of her head! … And seriously, WHERE ON EARTH ARE HER PANTS?!?!

Sigh. I digress…

There is no denying that my life is in no way reminiscent of a Harlequin Romance Novel, and that my parenting style would be nothing to write a book about… which is what often leads me to question if THIS is what my husband knew he was signing up for when he said ‘I do’ all those years ago!

… if spit up, stretch marks, messy buns and sweatpants were even on his radar?

And now that they are, if I still have what it takes to make him happy?

Oooooooh shoot! It’s about to get REAL!

As a little girl I used to day dream about love and marriage. I can remember passionately kissing pillows as if they were Disney characters, poring over elegant wedding gowns in bridal magazines, and meditating on advertisements depicting romantic getaways where couples are shown tossing their heads back and laughing joyously, as they soak together in hot tubs in the shape of champagne glasses.

And yet it would seem that the romance-filled, passion-infused, lifelong commitments we dream of exist only until we are actually in one!

Sadly once you’re married, a “successful” marriage is often weighed merely by whether or not you are ‘still married’… ‘Still in love’ and ‘still happy’ with our spouse only seems to be an added bonus!

Recently though, while watching on old Barbara Walters interview she did with Ronald Reagan, I was caught by something he said that I will never forget…

Ronald Reagan’s marriage to his wife Nancy was always in the spotlight. Even to this day it is remembered by them always walking hand in hand, leaving each other love letters, and by the fact that they never stopped courting.

Reagan said his wife gave him “…a marriage that was like an adolescent’s dream of what marriage should be,” and then he quoted this powerful statement by Clark Gable:

“There is NOTHING more wonderful for a man than to approach his own doorstep knowing that someone on the other side of the door is listening for the sound of his footsteps.”

Usually I envision the moments before my husband gets home a little differently …timers going off… me scrambling to retrieve dishes from the oven… chasing a pants-less child around and attempting to put a bow on her head…. and hurriedly changing out of my sweatpants and hiding the evidence before my husband walks through the door…

But like Clark Gable so beautifully communicated, it’s about the significance of truly valuing our spouse! It’s about offering the gift of welcoming him home each day just as he is.

It’s about desiring to be the first person to high-five your husband when life has worked in his favor, and being the sounding board he can rant and rave to when it’s not! Maybe even throwing in a curse word in agreement to reeeeally drive home the fact that you are on the same team! 😉

Our husbands don’t care if the kid has a flipping bow on her head, or, if on occasion, the sweatpants beckon (… though I speak from experience when I say finding kleenex in the bed might be a problem!) He doesn’t care what new shade of lipstick we are wearing, or what Pinterest-inspired feast we have slaved over; our husband’s want US!

They want our respect, our admiration, and our constant support!

So no matter what the climate our husbands are walking in from – whether they drag themselves in sopping wet from an impending storm, frazzled and disoriented from an especially turbulent day, or radiating big smiles and good news on the tip of their tongues – let’s remember there is not a more wonderful gift we can give the men in our lives, than to be on the other side of the door awaiting the sound of their footsteps…

… For as long as we both shall live.

We Must Remember The Storm

Of all my most cherished photographs there is one that stands out.

There are pictures illustrating wedding day jitters, and another portraying a perfectly wrinkled newborn smirking in her sleep. There is one that captures the rare occurrence of me and my siblings embracing, and another of my daughter warily taking her first steps.

And then there is the picture I hold closest to my heart…

a picture of when I had nearly given up.

The summer sun illuminating the smile I had purposefully painted on my face doesn’t fool me. At the exact time this picture was taken my husband had been sleeping on the couch for weeks, and the broken promises within our marriage easily outnumbered the wedding gifts we had received just two years earlier! We had run out of things to say and even worse, reasons to keep trying to make it work!

…And it was going to get worse!

At the time this picture was taken, I could have never known that there were more lies bubbling to the surface, more fits of tears in store (that were oftentimes so intense, I questioned whether my heart would physically give out) And even more difficult for me to admit, a bout of depression that would have me questioning whether I could endure any longer.

The picture that holds the most significance to me is one taken amidst a raging storm in my life. A storm that pains me to remember, but I am hard-pressed to never forget!

A storm much like what was described in the Bible…

“The waters of the flood came and covered the Earth…

All the underground waters erupted from the Earth and the rain fell in mighty torrents from the sky…

The rain continued to fall…

The floodwaters grew deeper…

As the waters rose higher and higher above the ground, the boat floated safely on the surface.”

Genesis 7:10-12, 17-18

This violent storm that the Bible is referring to is the flood, and from the sound of its enormity it sounds much like the ’emotional storms’ I have found myself in!

…When bad luck seemed to fall ‘ in mighty torrents from the sky’…when my seemingly happy existence ‘erupted’ into something barely recognizable …When my trials got deeper… and deeper… and each new wave of trouble threatened to overtake me….

Yet, the Lord kept me safe.

After all I am here to tell you about it, aren’t I?

God tells us that our lives will be full of many seasons, “planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night…” but in Genesis 9:11 He clearly says, “… never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood.”

God made a promise to the world (via a rainbow) that He would never again destroy all life, and that picture of me smack-dab in the middle of my heartache proves He never did!

Even so, my heart will always break for the girl in that picture. When I look into her eyes I will always feel pressed to tell her there’s no need to disguise her pain because I know she cries every night in a heap in the closet. Oh, how I wish I could remind her that when she screams out in frustration like a raging lunatic, it’s not a direct reflection of how ‘awful she is’ but how hurt she has been!’

… And that no matter how unfair a hand life has dealt her if she can withstand the storm just a little longer, the storm will settle ‘and she will not be destroyed!‘

Our God promises a life of varied seasons, so we can be certain that at times it is going to rain! Likely even that it will POUR!

But even when life seems most bleak… we will not be destroyed!

Even when we feel most weary… we will not succumb!

Because In God’s hands we will ‘float safely on the surface’ of every storm that comes our way!

Oftentimes it takes staring deep into the heartache of our past, to speak directly to the fear that is overwhelming us in the present. So this week: find a picture of yourself in the midst of the most turbulent storm in your life, and remind yourself that our God will overcome!

He did it before, He will do it again! ( and again!)

“[God] calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves.” Psalm 107:29

God Doesn’t Need Your Help

Growing up as a Pastor’s kid had many perks.

Empty wooden pews transformed into our playground. And it wasn’t uncommon for regular competitions testing upper body strength and physical endurance to ensue as we competed to see who could army crawl their way from the pulpit to the back row the fastest!

Vacant Sunday School classrooms (which we had access to, thanks to the master-key we were always able to get our hands on!) were always filled with endless entertainment thanks to glitter glue and infinite amounts of goldfish crackers.

And the day that was always sure to get this PK’s heart racing in excitement was the one in which we would take ‘The Lord’s Supper.’ More specifically, it was when the hundreds of people who had once filled the pews were now heading home with their families for the afternoon, and a little plastic cup with a shallow pool of leftover grape juice marked the place where they sat. It was there that I would wait. Wait for when my father was far too busy cleaning up and locking the doors, to notice me shamelessly walking the aisles and drinking the last remnant of juice…. from each cup… in every row…. until I had savored the last drop of each and every one!

Sorry Mom, I do sincerely hope this isn’t the first time you have heard this.

But above all else, I am most thankful for the skill I have mastered over the course of my many years growing up in the church… the uncanny ability I possess to spot even the most subtle of judgements.

How did I acquire this gift you ask? Because judgement is as prevalent in church as fake smiles, panty-hose, and renditions of Amazing Grace!

Over the years, I have overheard the backhanded comments towards the ‘tattooed couple’ sitting in the back row of the balcony; I have sat at, then excused myself from, a table of people who had nothing better to do then to whisper about the same-sex couple in the booth behind us; and I have endured innumerable prayer requests shared ‘with a heavy heart’ that are laced with malice and gossip.

Sadly, even to this day, I have friends and family who at the hands of such judgement, seem to believe that one must “exude perfection, lest you be judged…”

But this last week, while reading the Book of Hosea, God spoke to the most superficial and judgmental person in me…

Hosea illustrates both God’s uncontainable fury towards sin, and His passionate love and loyalty for His people in spite of it! It begins with the story of a man named Hosea, who is married to a prostitute named Gomer, and whose three children are the product of his wife’s unfaithfulness. A man, who if you were asking just me, had every right to judge! And to light some junk on fire, if you know what I mean!

But God had a plan to deal with Gomer’s straying when in Hosea 2:6,14 He says, “I will fence her in with thorn bushes. I will block her way with a wall to make her lose her way… But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. I will return her vineyards to her, and. transform the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope”

I found it interesting that never once does God ask Hosea to ‘grab her arms, while He grabs her legs…’ so-to-speak. Instead, He makes it very clear that He has a plan and, more importantly, that He’s got it covered! He will fence her in… He will block her way… He will win her back… He will lead her and transform her…

And that, ultimately, He doesn’t need our help. (GASP!)

I believe many of us Christians begin to think a little too highly of ourselves. We start seeing ourselves as the ‘Robin’ to God’s ‘Batman,’ and we falsely believe that the Creator of the Universe needs our help rescuing lost souls…often times one “strategically placed” Bible verse at a time! We resort to pitchforks and engage in spiritual debates; yet in these verses it seems God never asked for the help we so free-handedly offer.

Kinda stings, doesn’t it?

But then God does ask something from Hosea! And what He instructs him to do is surprising…

“Then the Lord said to me, ‘Go and love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover. THIS will illustrate that the Lord still loves Israel.'” – Hosea 3:1 [Emphasis added]

You see – at this time Israel, much like Gomer, was full of wickedness with a tendency to fall back into its “unbecoming” ways. This was a nation whose people were far from God and indulged in every sin imaginable. But God’s most passionate desire expressed in the book of Hosea is to show the unrighteous and immoral people of Israel that He still loves them in spite of it!

(Now for the record, this post will in no way directly address cheating spouses. Nor is that my expertise! After all, like I said earlier, I lean towards lighting things on fire! 😉

I am talking about the epidemic Christians have believed for far too long! The belief that we are to embark on a passionate crusade against the way other people are living their lives. A journey, that the Lord made very clear to me this last week, I was never invited on to begin with!

My job, like Hosea, is to love.

To ‘go and love’ those who are the cause of my anguish… to ‘go and love’ the person I just don’t ‘connect with’ and who I avoid at all costs in the church lobby… to ‘go and love’ those who have been given too many chances and who are SO undeserving….

You see, there’s a man that stands every day in Times Square with a megaphone…

A man with a message, standing in one of the most prominent areas of our country to speak words he believes are of great significance. So he amplifies his voice loud enough so the 170,000 people walking past him can hear what he has to say.

But the message he has hand-selected to introduce our God to the streets of New York City is always one of condemnation, rage, and disgust with the sin of this city. Even worse yet, our hopeless future as sinners because of it!

And you know what? I don’t think he is a bad person.

I believe just as much as him, that ~~the world~~ … that WE – desperately need Jesus more than ever! Furthermore, I know that some could argue that the man with the megaphone’s fury against sin and alternative lifestyles, parallel much of the same outrage that God had for Israel at the time…

I fear however, that he is playing the wrong role.

In Hosea, we learn that it is God who can, and will, judge. And ultimately, it is only God’s perfecting love that can “transform …”

But like Hosea, we are only asked to love.

So, we too must decide what message we are going to proclaim to the world. What will be our chosen words to the people who pass by us each day?

Will it be a message that arrogantly puts people in their place and, in doing so, broadcasts that the Almighty God we serve lacks the strength to fight for His people on His own? Do we truly believe that our God is so weak that He needs flawed human beings like ourselves to be His backbone?

OR… are we going to remember the truth found in Hosea and believe that the Lord, in all of His power, will Himself fight for His people? And will we remember that the best thing we can do as His devoted followers, is to choose each day to speak a message that sounds like hope and feels like an outpouring of love to all of His people?

This is the message that beautifully illustrates the fervent love God has for even the most undeserving and unworthy, no matter how far they have strayed from Him!

Because I realized this last week:

It’s not about us as Christians standing by to do nothing. It’s about stepping to the side to allow God to BE everything!

It’s nothing personal, God just doesn’t need your help.

If 2013 Broke Your Heart…

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… 2 Corinthians 1:8

Each Christmas, my husband and I search the city over, in pursuit of an ornament that best represents the last year of our lives.

Our Christmas tree tells ‘our story’, displaying the likes of seashells from tropical getaways, an antique bassinet in soft hue’s of pink, and an ornament in the shape of a Chinese takeout box symbolizing our first year of our marriage (and more specifically, the frequent calls made to Choi’s Chinese Food, thanks to my many failed attempts at making dinner each night!)

…and then there is a margarita glass.

One margarita-shaped ornament, that represents to us one of the most difficult years we endured. A year marked with heartbreaking tragedy, of death, of malicious lies, and cold-hearted betrayals… and the need for counseling and the occasional STRONG margarita!

I can still remember to my shock and bewilderment, when that same year was publicly declared as the “BEST. YEAR. EVER!!!” by all of my Facebook friends…

The very year that had left me broken!

New Years Eve was a blur, as I struggled to hold back tears as the ball dropped, and while all of my closest friends cheered and embraced each other somewhere in the background. I can remember struggling to pinpoint whether the tears were welling because I was so relieved to see that year pass… or because deep within, I knew that I would not be able to withstand another year of the same devastating magnitude….

Even more, fearing that I would have to!

But when it comes to sheer magnitude, it is In Isaiah 43:16, that the Lord reminds us that He did the impossible and made an escape for His people through the expanse of the Red Sea! By doing so, He reminds us also, that no matter the magnitude of the trials we are up against this year, that He has got it covered! (After all, the Red Sea was a HUGE problem for the Israelites! Roughly 1400 miles long, 220 miles wide, and 1600 feet deep if you want to be exact!)

But God doesn’t stop there! He goes on to say this…

” Forget all that – It is NOTHING compared to what I am going to do! For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland… so my people can be refreshed.”

Carving a pathway through the Red Sea, is arguably, one of the greatest things God has ever done! And yet, He is saying, “that is NOTHING compared to what I can do in your life!”

But just over a year ago, with a bout of rejection under my belt, a tragedy that had me gritting my teeth and bracing for what was next, and feeling emotionally ‘pushed to the limit’ just by having to get out of bed each morning, and paint on the fake smile needed to appease everyone around me, I can recall struggling to believe that I too, was worthy of this level of blessing in my life!

But as I packed up the last of the Christmas decorations this last week; reminiscing about the significance of each year’s ornament, and tucking each one safely away in its place, I came to my beloved margarita glass. And I smiled…

Because what I had failed to see the very first time I nestled my new ornament into the glow of our Christmas tree just a year ago, was that in that very moment, God was working to do something ‘new’ in my life! That the piece of glass hanging from the branch in the shape of an alcoholic beverage – which once, only humorously symbolized the turbulence of the previous year – now serves as a constant reminder of the overwhelming blessings we could have never known He had in store for us in the year to come!

I imagine God must have snickered to himself, when I asked Him with bated breath, to merely ‘survive’ that next year, knowing that in the very moment I made my request, that He was already beautifully orchestrating – not only the provision of all my needs – but outlining a journey that would make some of our greatest dreams as a family come to fruition!

Since then, He has traded what was left of my hollow existence, with a life overflowing with excitement! He has restored my family… my heart… and my laughter…. and replaced my broken spirit with a strength that I never knew resided within me!

I love how Beth Moore puts it when she says, “If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion, if only we’ll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner!”

No matter how badly broken 2013 has left you, our God is a god who seeks to refresh. And He is not finished! He promises to make a pathway through the lifeless deserts you may have found yourself in, and provide a way out of the most trying circumstances you are up against. No matter the depth, He will be our guide through the raging sea that is currently standing in the way of the life we most desire.

And The Lord will do something ‘new’ in our lives…

Something more miraculous than anything He has ever done before!

We need only to take a look around, and wait expectantly for the beauty of it to unfold!

We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it… but as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to only rely on God…we have placed our confidence in Him and He will continue to rescue us.

2 Corinthians 1:8-10

A Very Manhattan Christmas

Living in Manhattan makes for an interesting Christmas to say the least.

While I could spend this entire post talking about the magic and wonder that is the Holiday Season in New York City, and I could describe to you in great detail the intricate beauty of the store front windows at Macy’s and Saks Fifth Avenue (like the actual Saks store that’s on Fifth Avenue!), or the glow of the Rockefeller tree shining down on the ice skaters below… there’s no need to! You have an abundance of movies and television shows that can portray the very same thing!

I could tell you all about how my husband and I ‘bumped into’ Mariah Carey singing Christmas carols one night, or how after the city’s first snow, we spent the weekend sledding in Central Park… but that’s nothing you couldn’t see on my Instagram.

I know my readers, and you want the dirt!

And as always, I can deliver!

Manhattan is much like the friend you have, that is always fancy and dressed to the nines. And although you may not see it, there is a whole other side that they don’t go flaunting to the world (a side which includes sweat pants, retainers, and zit-cream, I would presume). And just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!

Manhattan is much of the same way. A life well-balanced in glitz, glamour, and TRASH! Bright lights, high society, and CAMPING. And for the record, I have never been one to camp!

Sex and the City could very well be the culprit, by portraying the streets of NYC as endless flowing cosmopolitan’s, and high-end fashion! But those of us who live in Manhattan know that between the months of December and March, we forego all glamour to embrace the likes of rain boots and down jackets that reach past our ankles.

So forget what Sex and the City taught you… in the winter, bears hibernate, birds migrate, and New Yorker’s take on the look of an Eskimo.

… And for good reason! Although the 254 million cars out there successfully serve to limit the effects of the raging wind to nothing more than a light jostle for it’s passengers; we “walker-type” feel the pierce of the arctic gusts deep within our limbs, and see each new burst as a threat to losing our footing and breaking every bone in our bodies (the bones we will so desperately need to carry our Christmas tree on our backs, 10 blocks back to our apartment!)

That very same snow that others drive through effortlessly – thanks to 4 wheel drive and the comfort of having the heat blasting on high – we have the privilege of trudging though, wearing innumerable layers and bad attitudes, in order to get to the corner store to replenish our beloved ranch dressing.

We also loathe the Post Office, but not for the same reasons you might! Standing in long lines is the least of our worries… too often, we are more worried for our safety! We aren’t sure exactly why, but there is always yelling involved, and it’s entirely likely that the sweet 90-year-old man standing with us in line – who, just minutes before, was offering your daughter a sucker – is now calling another man something that rhymes with ‘sucker’, and is threatening to cut his body in a million pieces and hide his remains in the crawl space of his Lexington Avenue apartment.

Merry Christmas!

And although New Yorker’s have A LOT they could ask from Santa this year (like finally getting an apartment bigger than a walk in closet, and the miracle it would be to have an absence of rodents IN that apartment!) I think it’s safe to say, if it takes sitting on an old man’s lap from New York City, than we will gladly settle for coal. I don’t care how cute and jolly that Santa looked in the Macy’s parade, I know better than to trust a New Yorker. Even on Christmas!

You also know you are living in Manhattan if – in your attempt to outsmart the crowds, the need for Santa, and the Post Office nazis – you have purchased every gift from your Amazon Prime account (which no doubt, every New Yorker has!) But then like me, find that once they are delivered, you have no recollection of what the contents are of each package, and who they are for!

Not to mention that your Christmas tree (and more specifically, the gifts under it) look a little less merry than would probably be desired…

And if I were honest, there is only about a 23% chance (at BEST!) that I will get around to wrapping all these

All around the world, ‘Tis the season for baking cookies, caroling, and spreading Christmas cheer… And in Manhattan, for judging people by the (unnecessarily large) size of their umbrellas, taking in the scent of pine wafting through the streets (as opposed to the usual fragrance of urine), and the over abundance of weirdos rocking Santa hats!

And yet interestingly enough, we love it.

Some of us couldn’t imagine spending the holidays anywhere else! While others of us travel out of the city with high hopes of normalcy and family, but in time, will be itching to get back to the madness… And that will always surprise us!

It might even cause us to secretly wonder to ourselves, if the city has made us unfit to live anywhere else, ever again…. And in a way, we will be proud of that.

Because no matter how much peace and quiet our souls are so desperately longing for, one thing is certain, the city will always call us back and welcome us home with bustling streets and honking that will go on into the night… Which upon returning, will make us smile.

And when it does, no matter how volatile the weather (or our fellow New Yorker), no matter how overwhelming the masses of tourists, or how long the lines are sure to be at the grocery store… the pharmacy… the veterinarian… and anywhere else we need to go for that matter! We will know with complete certainty, that there is no where else we would rather be in 2014…

Than living in New York City, baby!

From Manhattan,

I want to wish you all a very VERY Merry Christmas!

You’re Right, You Are NOT Worthy

It’s interesting how often times you can read a whole paragraph, or listen to a whole message, and only one word stands out.

In my case, after writing my ‘Misconceptions of a Godly Woman’ post, Rachel and I awoke one morning to find our emails FLOODED with comments! Lots and LOTS of words expressing a wide range of emotions and opinions! And yet, only one word stood out to me…

Judas.

One word flippantly used to compare me, to arguably one of the greatest traitor’s in the Bible. A man who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and turned him over so that He could be beaten beyond recognition, and crucified on a cross for a mere 30 pieces of silver.

I was a Judas? Why, because I cursed a crock pot and admitted my life wasn’t the perfection promised in Disney movies?

The emotions welled up inside of me, that one word etched in my mind for weeks!

There may have been tears, and there certainly were a few prodding questions to God asking, what on Earth He was up to, and whether I could find the courage to be THAT authentic again. But above all else, I momentarily questioned whether God would still want to use me. Especially when it was obvious that I had so MANY shortcomings!

But this wasn’t the first time I had encountered a bout with the feeling of unworthiness… I’ve basked in the grandeur of a towering cathedral before, which is always sure to make me feel small. That, and anything that requires an organ, memorized scripture, or pantyhose! 😉

It’s like the night my husband and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. We tried with all our might to portray poise and sophistication while looking up with interest at pieces like the marble statue of Emperor Caracalla, and the Gilded Bronze Buddha. But in all actuality, we had a much more enjoyable time touching things with clearly placed ‘Do Not Touch’ signs, and whispering inappropriate comments that had us holding back giggles that would have otherwise, echoed to the ceiling.

It was obvious, we were so out of place. So unworthy!

But this last week, while searching my heart, the Lord did something that surprised me…. He didn’t even attempt to downplay or dismiss the insecurities that had been mounting over the last few weeks, He affirmed them!

“You’re right, you are NOT worthy… “ He would say to me.

He spoke those words as I was looking over a portrait and studying each of the disciples that sat beside Jesus the night of The Last Supper; the same 12 who were chosen by Him to carry on His ministry after His death.

I saw Matthew the tax collector, regarded by many as a criminal due to his dishonest past, and who was deeply hated by the Jews.

I saw Peter, who had once miraculously walked on water with Jesus only to be submerged by waves of doubt. A man, who in the end, would deny ever knowing Jesus (even cursing when he did it!)

Then there was Thomas, a man who continually struggled to believe God’s promises. Known especially, for asking to touch Jesus’s wounds because he needed proof that Jesus had risen from the dead.

And then there was Judas, the cold hearted traitor who Jesus knew would go on to betray Him that very night. Who even still, was welcomed to sit at the table.

Some disciples were loyal, devoted and faithful. While others were intense and violent, with explosive tempers and fiery personalities! Some were haunted by a dark past, while others were wary and frightened by the uncertainty of the future.

But one thing was certain, All were NOT worthy, but each were chosen!

Even Judas.

In Matthew 26:27, while Jesus was sitting at the table that night with His – so very ordinary – followers, it says,

Then He (Jesus) took the cup and gave thanks and offered it to them saying, “Drink from it, all of you…”

Too often we focus our attention on everything about ourselves that separate us from Christ – all the reasons why we couldn’t possibly be used by Him! And yet, we fail to see that The Lord is offering Himself to us even still, no matter how great our shortcomings!

I love how Mary Fairchild puts it when she says (speaking of the disciples), “Not one was a scholar or Rabbi. They had no extraordinary skills. Neither religious, nor refined, they were ordinary people just like you and me.”

The truth is, The Lord isn’t even just settling for us! He could have chosen anyone! He could have had the pick of the litter, and chosen religious warriors whose prayers were way more impressive (thanks in part to a handful of well-placed THOU’s and THINE’s), people whose past was a lot less controversial, and whose story was much more “church appropriate” (and at the very least, someone who was grammatically sound…)

But He didn’t.

Our God knows exactly who we are, even down to what we’ve ashamedly done in the past, and everything we will do to let Him down in the future! And yet, He has hand selected our past, our temperament, and our story to be used by Him!

We are unworthy yes, but we are chosen!

Jesus is offering Himself to you…

the only question is, will you receive Him?