Last week, I found myself gasping for breath as I wept. Deep and heavy and messy mourning, like something died. Like something died a long time ago, but I didn’t grieve… Like, I never allowed myself to grieve.
Never, in a million years, did I expect the tears to come.
I’m alright, I thought. I just need a little fresh air, a nap, maybe a podcast or something, I said, thinking that would lift my spirits after a series of off-days last week.
But as I sat listening to the downpour outside my window that day, I realized for the first time in a long time, it was so much deeper than that. It’s as if I had been running so hard and so fast from something, for so long, and on that dark and rainy day, it – finally – all caught up with me.
You could hear my cries down the hallway.
Continue reading You don’t have to run from your feelings in the name of faith, anymore.
I’m not going to lie, God (often) has to put me in my place. And none more harsh than when it comes to my daughter.
…My 5 year-old ninja-turtle-loving daughter.
When it comes to my child, I have felt God’s correction most severe. His words to me almost cutting, even reprimanding at times. And what I’ve come to realize is it’s because God is fiercely protective of my daughter.
(God told me to tell you, He’s fiercely protective of you as well!)
Continue reading What my daughter taught me about a jealous God
There’s this trait that will one day bring you to your knees about God. I know, because it happened to me this week…
There on my knees, I found myself, tears streaming from my eyes. Partly in shock, but more than anything, unashamedly grateful.
…Grateful, for a God who goes before me.
Continue reading The one thing that will bring you to your knees about God
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I have no idea what my life will look like a week from now… a month from now… heck, don’t get me started on a year from now!
Even still, I mean it when I say this, never in my life have I ever been more certain of this: that smack dab in the middle of this uncertainty is exactly where God wants me to be.
(But that’s about all I’m certain of these days.)
Continue reading The only thing I am certain of (and it’s not a whole lot)
Your life is wrong. You’re all alone… a reject. You, are useless.
Those are the words I’ve been hearing over these last few weeks. Oftentimes so clear, it nearly stops me in my tracks.
To be honest, it’s why I haven’t written these past couple weeks. (Sigh* I’m sorry about that, friends.)
But I’ve made the decision to write, given the chance that some of you reading have felt the same sting of words this week. Cruel words, that have left you defeated and questioning if what you are doing will ever work. Haunting and hurtful words, that follow you everywhere and have you wondering if they are true (and if they’re not, then what is?)
If that’s you today, I’m here to tell you two things: The voice that is belittling you isn’t God… And you’re NOT what you are hearing.
Continue reading You’re NOT what you are hearing
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had THE WORST attitude for the last 7+ days. Just ask my husband.
I don’t know if it was the 31 days I spent alone with a puppy and a preschooler, or the move we just made to New York City, or the fact that we are currently living in a one bedroom apartment with nothing more than two air mattresses and a makeshift table made from an Amazon Prime box. But I’ve been a snappy, dare I say, b*tchy, ball of anxiety — And God put me in my place about it yesterday.
To be honest, I’ve been kind of avoiding my Bible this week. Sure, you could say I was busy, that I had ‘valid excuses’ with moving and all, but I could feel God nudging me to spend some time with Him, promising that if I did, I might find some relief or even better, an attitude change. But each time I turned Him away.
….But then last week happened.
Continue reading What has you acting so desperate?
We’re moving to NYC this weekend. And as I was packing, I was reminded of one of the most profound memories I have while living in South Carolina — the day God told me, that one day, I was going to thank Him for my suffering.
(And He was right.)
You’re going to thank Him for yours as well…
Continue reading You’re going to say thanks for the suffering
Confession: This week I almost gave up – literally, the day before – God was about to provide exactly what I’ve been so desperately praying for.
I’ve probably written about a million different things that I’ve needed God to do on this blog, but this week we desperately needed God to give us a New York City Apartment.
I don’t say this lightly, finding an apartment in Manhattan is among the Top 5 Most Stressful Things We’ve Done, to date. And for those of you who’ve followed my blog for a while, you know we ain’t weak sauce around here — We’ve survived marital dysfunction, mental illness, and a mice infestation to name a few! And yet, finding a Manhattan apartment cripples me and makes me cry every single time.
But I’m not the only one who has needed something specific from God this week. Maybe for you, finding an apartment in the heart of NYC would be a cakewalk considering what you’re up against today, and that desperate need of yours has been at the forefront of your mind all week.
Understand, that no matter how big or small what we need from God is: 1. God will do what He promised (He always does!) but, 2. Randomly awful and chaotic things will happen while we wait (they always do!)
— and the closer you get to the pay off, the more crazy it will be!
Continue reading On the Day Before Your Deliverance
I’ve lived in many cities in my life, but there’s only one I’ll likely never return to and that’s Anderson, SC.
In fact, the only thing more shocking than us moving back to NYC, is that we ever left and moved to Anderson in the first place!
After all, it was only three years ago that my life fell apart while living in NYC. It’s only been since 2014, that the words, I just don’t want this to be my life anymore, was the only response I could find whenever someone asked how they could be praying for me.
And I meant it — it was the only plausible way out of the mess that had become my life and my marriage, that the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth would have enough pity on me to slip me a get out of jail free card under the table. Or better yet, allow me to exchange my life for a new one!
…And really, that’s what God ended up doing when He moved my family to South Carolina! It was as if God plucked us from our million mph life in NYC, and Hunger-Games-hovercraft-style dropped us off in the small, borderline pulseless, town of Anderson, South Carolina.
… a pulseless, but perfect place to rebuild a family.
And that’s exactly what God did while we lived here these last two years.
Continue reading A Love Letter to the City We Will Never Return to
As I’m writing this, I’m hoping I’m not the only one who has cried faithless tears this week. That I’m not the only one so afraid of what God is asking me to do, that for a moment I entertained the thought of what it might be like to run from my destiny.
But that’s not how my week started… In fact, the week began with praise on the tips of our tongues.
- God sold our house in just under two weeks ( Whaaaaaat?!?! Amazing. )
- My husband started his new job that God miraculously dropped in his lap. (Equally amazing.)
And though my husband and I are currently living in two different states (him in New York until we find an apartment and me in South Carolina until we get everything situated with the house) we spent the better part of the week celebrating the miraculous steps God has orchestrated to get us to NYC to do what He has called us to do, and start a church in the city that scares me.
But then I began to doubt… well, everything.
All it took was eleven words. Eleven words for my faith to completely unravel this week.
Continue reading When You’re Considering Running From Your Destiny